Tales of the Robot Monkey

SummerFest Recap, Day 2

2011-06-29T10:35:00.005-05:00

Well, only 22 days late. Ehh, deal with it. I've been distracted. Today's soundtrack while I write this is Seabird's "Til We See The Shore" (which honestly, reminds me a little of Augustana). Also enjoying Champion's "Chill Em All" (a nice little electronic thing).

On with the recap: nothing extracurricular here other than before we got to SummerFest, we stopped for lunch at Soma's. Soma's is a great sushi place on Washington where we proceeded to have some great sushi (which is saying a lot for me, since I typically don't like sushi) and quite a few "sake bombs". Nice experience, nice happy hour prices all day Sunday. I recommend it if you're in the area on a Sunday.

So we go from Soma's to Steven's apartment (who is just a few blocks from the park), have a drink or two and proceed to walk to the festival. We get there just in time to catch some of Yeasayer.

Yeasayer is a great band. My only regret was not getting to see more of them. The hazards of doing one of these with a group...oh well. But what I did see reminded me of what a great album "Odd Blood" is. Would love to see this experimental outfit again.

At this point, we had given up all of hope checking out any of the smaller acts...which brings me to my biggest complaint about this thing: scheduling the lineup. By putting the main acts back to back, they pretty much assured that most people were not gonna sample some of the smaller offerings. If you wanted to see Chromeo, followed by Cut Copy, you were not gonna have time to wander around and check out other smaller groups. Next time, maybe the organizers can stagger the big acts, either by putting a blank slot in the spot or a smaller act or acts between the bigger artists. Minor quibble but still, kinda limits your time. But I guess that's a testament to the strength of the lineup this year.

Moving on, next up was Chromeo. They were a huge hit with our group, even the peeps who had never heard them before. Strong show, really like their brand of electrofunk. Very cool show. The lead singer (David Macklovitch or "Dave 1") knew how to really get the crowd into it.

Next was a local rap/noise act called B L A C K I E. Was not a big fan of this so we took the opportunity to catch a respite from the heat. So, shade and cold drink was the name of the game. We chilled out for a little bit and then went back and got a good close seat for the next show.

The next to last show was Cut Copy. Next to Weezer, I was most excited about these guys. I had stumbled upon their stuff a couple of years and really dug their electropop/80's new wave/synth rock sound. And these boys from Melbourne, Australia did not disappoint. They put on a great energetic show that was easy to get involved in. In fact they had people on the side of the hillside jumping up and down. It was cool to turn around and see that. The only downside was the heat and stuffiness had been ramped up and I saw the first signs of genuine irritation from fellow attendees. Nothing major, just a little flair. People were pushing and trying to force their way to the front. But it disapated as quickly as it appeared.

And now we arrive at the highlight for me: Weezer. This show was just awesome, start to finish. Tired, exhausted, hot, knowing I still had a lot of steps to take before I ended up in my bed asleep and waking at 4:30 am, I did not want their set to stop. They were that good. They played their well known stuff (though they saved "Buddy Holly" for an encore), a lot of their album songs that I love, "Suzanne" a B-side from the mid-90's and a they covered Radiohead's "Paranoid Android" (freaking awesome and it blew my mind!). I was in heaven. My throat was sore from screaming along the lyrics to every song, I was hot, hungry and had a headache...but content in that moment. That's what is amazing about music and it's power over us. It can connect us to hundreds of thousands of our friends as we share a moment. Or it can connect us with the band and take us to a place where we are all alone in a moment where nothing but us and the music exist.

Cool moment: During one of the songs, Rivers Cuomo had moved on the stage to our side (I was real close). I yelled out and pointed at me, he smiled and pointed back at me. The only thing cooler would have been to get a high-five (which some lucky fan got later) but I was happy. It was a moment I will always treasure.

So, all in all, a good experience. I was exhausted and spent the next day recovering after I got home from work. But it was so worth it. Hopefully the lineup is good next year and I can afford it. And hopefully, I will have someone to go with and share the experience.

SummerFest Recap, Day 1

2011-06-07T08:08:00.007-05:00

As I sit here today, music is on my mind. For a myriad of reasons, I suppose. One reason is I'm sitting here listening to The Farewell Drifters new album "Echo Boom" (which I am thoroughly enjoying...not at all what I was expecting and I am happily surprised). Another reason is decompressing from Free Press Summer Fest 2011. And that is the gist of today's entry.

I had the privilege of attending this event in the gloriously spectacular area of Eleanor Tinsley Park near downtown Houston. My sister-in-law joined me and she had a friend who was kind enough to open her apartment to us (which is great because I ended up leaving my truck parked there for the duration). Her friend even offered to drive us to the Fest and pick us up afterwards. We took her up on her offer. So we drive over to the park and just happen to see some of my sister-in-law's friends walking, so we get out and join them. I'm already enjoying the vibe being generated but the companionship and all the attendees in general. This was to be a theme for the weekend. This was about people having fun and not getting trashed and starting crap.

So after a slight speed bump getting in and waiting in a really, really long (but fast moving) line, we enter. We begin our walk to the Main Stage (which unbeknownst to me at the time, is where we would end up for the majority of the weekend) and as we walked, we looked at the various booths, stages and vendors. It was a cool scene (though sadly, not literally).

We get to the Main Stage and setup close to the middle, close to the stage. Not long after, we are rewarded to a great show by Big Boi (one half of OutKast). Wow, such a good unexpected show. Look, I don't know about you but I've witnessed a lot of Hip Hop/Rap shows and it's a mixed bag. Sometimes they're good shows but more often than not (and I mean 8 times out 10), they're nothing more than self celebratory circle jerks where the main act keeps pulling their posse into the show and letting them perform. Or the sound is so bad, it's like the subway automated voice yelling at you. Not fun. And even though Big Boi did pull some fellow performers on stage to perform with him or instead of him briefly, it didn't diminish the show but rather enhanced. And there were no sound issues (which was to be that way for the most part at the Main Stage for the weekend). Big Boi threw down some classic OutKast with "ATLiens", "Ms. Jackson" and "I Like The Way You Move" (though I've always considered it a Big Boi song more so than OutKast) and some new stuff off his solo effort. It was a nice mix and worked very well and the crowd really responded, despite the heat. Funny aside occurred here: about two songs in, I felt someone tapping my shoulder. I turned and saw an old friend that I went to High School with. I have seen and hung out with her many times since but just found it funny to run into her there (this would happen again 3 other times with her).

So after Big Boi, we went to procure refreshments. Long lines and crowds were to be a recurring theme but in 99% of these interactions, they were positive and everyone was polite and respectful. Which still amazes me with the heat that things didn't get ugly. Thank goodness for small miracles, I suppose. So drinks acquired, we moved back to the Main Stage (here on, know as "MS" for laziness sakes) to catch the always amazing Ms. Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. This time, we just copped a squat on the hill rather than join the unwashed masses. The Dap-King's brand of updated soul/funk was refreshing to hear and Ms. Jones knew how to shake her "groove thang". It was a great show and I'm glad I got to see it.

Next, we walked around a bit, met up with more people (including one very hot chica...yow! Not that there weren't a ton of very attractive females there and more than a couple I talked to and maybe even got some numbers...well, never mind :P), had Meeting #2 with my friend and relaxed a little before the next show. And the next show was Beirut. Beirut, as I knew they would be was amazing. Such a distinct sound and any band that can play the instruments they do, and weave together such disparate sounds together will always interest me and get my respect.

And then we reach the final act of Day 1: Ween. Now, I'm not a big Ween fan. In fact, we had planned to leave early and get started on the rest of the evening early. Plus, I was getting hungry and I preferred not to buy food there, so I was ready to jet. But then Ween, took the stage and I actually found myself enjoying it. Ended up staying for most of the show when the group decided it was time to leave, so we left. There were some other events that occurred but I haven't received permission from the parties involved to relate them so for now, those stay private.

Lessons learned on Day 1:
- I need to not wait so long to eat, especially if "adult" beverages are involved (I know, I know!)
- Houston in June is extremely hot (okay, being a resident for my entire life, this is nothing unknown)
- Apparently, I am still attractive to the opposite sex and still have a little game
- Ween is much better live
- Big Boi can put on a good show and I would see him again
- My magic powers still work

Day 2 to be continued in the next installment....

Bah, bah...this is the sound of blogging...

2011-06-01T10:36:00.004-05:00

So, I decided enough time had passed and it was time to post another entry. Since my last entry, life went a little haywire for me. I won't bore you with the details, but that said, it's been a life changing four months. Some bad, some good. Bad situation that I'm pulling positive from.

Unfortunately, my writing output has slowed a little. On here and other projects I was working on. But I hope to be coming out the other end of that. Wish me luck. So onward...

As I sit here writing this, I'm listening to the new Death Cab For Cutie album and digging it. More upbeat than their previous efforts. I like it. Of course for me, most Death Cab albums are like getting underneath a worn and comfortable blanket on a cold and rainy winter's day. There's just something familiar and comforting about them. This one is no different. From Ben Gibbard's vocals to Chris Walla's guitar, it just continues to work. Though I would still like to have another Postal Service album as well. Oh well, beggars and choosers blah blah blah.

So speaking of music, I will be attending Free Press Summer Fest this weekend and am incredibly excited. My first time to check out Weezer live. Lots of really cool bands. I can't wait. Just wish I could share it with my festival partner but that is not possible at this time. *sigh* Oh well, make the best of it, I always says....Felt like I was turning into some turn of the 19th century English scoundrel mentoring some Oliver Twist/Jim Hawkins type of street urchin for a second there. I'm too tired, methinks.

Alright, my brain is already tired from a lot of outside forces so we end it here for today. But I'll leave you with this thought: Lady Gaga scares me. Don't know what it is exactly about her looks but she reminds me of Marilyn Manson and it freaks me out a tad bit.

A weekend for choices and a project undertaken...what's not to like?

2011-01-14T08:19:00.003-06:00

So, I finally sat down and began vigorously writing this past week. Don't want to say too much about it as it is still in the fetal stage at only about 10 pages. But it feels good to have the ideas flowing out of my brain onto the page. Usually they just flow out to nowhere. Yay for progress, I suppose. But I like how it feels. What I've written so far seems very organic, not forced. I've set for myself what I feel is a very easy-to-reach goal of writing two pages a day. So far, so good.

This weekend will involve a gathering of cousins for fun and frivolity. I'm excited as this is not something that happens very often and we're attempting to make it a more regular thing. It's retarded since we grew up together and now that we're all grown up, we all live no more than 10 miles from each other (some like 5 minutes away!). Every family gathering we talk about getting together but nothing happens, so here we go. Actions, not words! Huzzah!

Also happening this weekend, my wife said something to me yesterday about going out this weekend. As I have expressed on these very pages previously, I am total cinephile. Unfortunately, through a combination of kids, time and lack of funds, this happens so rarely it's more of an occurrence than a happening. But this weekend, we are gonna indulge that desire and do it. But now, the question becomes: what to see? There are three things up that I really want to see. It's hard to pick just one. My three choices are "Black Swan", "The King's Speech" or True Grit. Each has things pulling me to it but right now, I am leaning towards "The King's Speech". Every year, I bemoan the fact that when the Oscars arrive I haven't seen any of the nominated films. Not this year. This year...it's personal.
Those last few sentences you should imagine with the movie trailer guy's voice saying it; a close up of my face, eyes squinting with intensity; and ominous and cinematic music behind me.

So, if you were voting for a movie for me to see, what would it be? Give me your reasons. Next week sometime, I'll post what I went to see and my pitifully inadequate review. Good weekend to you all and to all, a good weekend.

Be a better lover and please her with your enormous foot...

2010-12-13T09:38:00.005-06:00

Ha! I could hear you pondering, wondering "Will the infamous Robot Monkey post another blog before the year ends? Will he continue any of the supposed ongoing columns, like 'Date Night' or 'The Best of... List'? Is it true his tears will heal a unicorn of flatulence?"

First, the answer to your last query...yes, they do. Also, they act as a unicorn aphrodisiac, which yes, is slightly disturbing.

Second, to your next question...undecided. I honestly am just gonna play how I feel. So, maybe.

And thirdly...well, you have answer, don't you? Oh snap.

Now that we have the formalities out of the way, on to the hilarity. Or as I like to call it, the insomnia killer. Yes, it's true. My brand of humor has been know to induce vomiting or sleeping, varying from person to person. Enjoy!

Well, I have had an interesting week last week. And when I say interesting, I mean boring. One of the highlights that I feel compelled to share is clearing out my junk email inbox. Normally, this is done with the minimal of paying attention to subject lines. I usually just look at the addresses, looking for legitimate emails that slip through the cracks. This past week (for whatever reason) I paid closer attention than I normally would have to the subject lines listed herein. I was rewarded with a menagerie of bizarre subjects to emails that I would never have believed. So without further ado, here are some of the subject lines I actually had in my junk email. No addresses or anything though since I'm not gonna give them free advertising. They are presented here, unedited with all punctuation, grammar and spelling left as is.

(Note: Some of these are sexual in nature and contain some adult language. Reader discretion advised.)

"Engorge her with your mansword"
"Have a much huger erection than she wants"
"Ass rimming the easy way"
"No white rabbit but gold is coming your way"
"Caution! A money opportunity!"
"Someday your prince will come"
"Enlarge your bust 3 times!!!"
"Kan you helps a man fellow?"
"What keeps you young? luving rabbit style!!!!"

And the award for most bizarre goes to...

"Hot latinas banged by Germans"

I'm sure my junk mail is no different than yours but usually I just scan it and don't really read it. Wow.

If we don't talk again before the holidays, Happy Christmas and A Valid New Year!

Shalom!

Once again, sailing the Seas of Bloggery...

2010-07-21T12:20:00.004-05:00

So, yeah....lameness.

Let's see: my last couple of blog entries have been posts have been about my lack of a new blog entry. And the last one was apparently last year.

Lame. I know.

So, no more promises. No more lame excuses. No more references to absences on the Seas of Bloggery. Just the blogs. Take 'em or leave 'em. Enjoy them or don't. Now, on with the show.

SO, my wife and I have been trying to find new ways to spend time together. But we're kinda poor and have three kids, so going out is not always an option. So I had an idea. Cinema is one of my passions. Food is one of hers. So I thought, "Why not marry the two?" And the idea of a regular thing is born: dinner and a movie...with a twist. The idea is this: I will pick a movie she has never seen and she will fix a meal in the same theme. This way, we both expose the other person to a new experience while simultaneously sharing our passion with each other. Help us learn a little about each other. I wish we had thought of this years ago.

Nevertheless, we are both excited. For our first date, I select Fellini's 8 1/2, one of my favorite films. Of course, I had a slight ulterior motive in selecting an Italian film.

I have been requesting Chicken Parmigiana (one of my favorites) for some time now. I thought by selecting Italian, I would push her into my corner. Imagine my surprise (and disappointment) when she immediately informed me, that her meal would not be Chicken Parmigiana. Ahhh, man. Instead, she decided on Braised Ribs, polenta and asparagus (which I abstained from since I am not a fan of asparagus). She was going to make tiramisu for desert but apparently the story was out of ladyfingers. Sad face. So, Sunday night arrives. We put the kids in bed and sit down to enjoy dinner, the movie and most importantly each others company.

First, the meal. The ribs were great. The polenta...eh. Reminded me of something akin to oatmeal or grits, that same kind of consistency and texture. Didn't hate it but was not my favorite. It did well mixed with ribs and the gravy from the ribs. All in all, a very enjoyable meal (but still not Chicken Parmigiana...I know, I know, I'll shut up).

Next, the movie. I love this film. I haven't seen it in a couple of years which allowed me to watch it semi-fresh again. Marcello Mastriantonio is Fellini's alter ego in this essentially and is great. Claudia Cardinale is absolutely radiant in her small role as herself and as Mastriantonio's vision of the ideal woman. The movie waltzes from reality to fantasy that by the end of the movie, the lines aren't so much blurred as erased completely. A brilliant portrait of ego, creative block and the pressures of living up to high, almost unreal, expectations. Several films owe their birth to this movie: Stardust Memories, Living In Oblivion, Nine (a musical adapting the movie) and a host of other films. A great film, consistently on top of many "Best of" lists.

Afterwords, we talked about the film: if she liked it, what we liked or didn't like, what did particular things represent, overall impressions, etc; Overall, it was an enjoyable evening of good food, good cinema and good companionship. What more can you ask for?

....except for maybe Chicken Parmigiana :P.

Failing is also half the battle...

2009-11-09T09:44:00.003-06:00

So...yeah.

Here's the wiki entry on this.

Then, insert me and a snapshot of this blog under the definition. Yikes.

Has it really been since April since I posted an entry? Just a short paragraph but still a lame ass entry.

Sorry. I wish I could say I'm gonna turn it around and start contributing to this thing religiously but we both know that ain't gonna happen. So, I'll just say this: I will strive to update this thing at least 2 times a month. Any more than that? Well, let's just call anything more a bonus. And in the interest of fair play, since you guys pay good money for this blog, I won't even count this one. So see? You already got bonus this month.

And yes, before one of the 3 or 4 people who actually read this thing, I will finish my list of my favorite albums (course, I have to find my handwritten list first...)as well as my end of year list and other stuff.

So check this spot again soon....

And you stay classy, Internet.

Don't judge me...

2009-04-09T06:13:00.002-05:00

Okay, I found the list. Give me a "Hell Yeah!" like I was Stone Cold Steve Austin...whatever that means. So, I should be able to finish this asinine list, which should make some people happy and cause the others to stop bugging me. The rest will probably just get the runs. Oh well, nothing new there. Give me some time and hopefully by next week, I begin finishing this list. And after that's done, I have another list to start but MUCH, MUCH shorter and definitely less intensive. So, to all, a Happy Easter.

I confess....

2009-03-26T09:32:00.003-05:00

Alright, as the title implies, I have a confession to make. When I started this new series of my top 100 albums, I have to admit it was not spur of the moment. I had actually taken the time to write out a list. Why is this important, you may ask? In the interest of being a lazy bastard, I put everything on the list so I wouldn't have to come up with them again. And now you're probably asking why I am telling you this? Or you're saying, "Stop putting words in my mouth!" Either way, as you've noticed, I haven't updated this thing in a month and while I have several good reasons, some of which include laziness, tiredness, apathy, being really busy, the main reason being that I can't find my written list. The first couple of entries (as has been stated) were already printed on my MySpace blog site, so all I had to do was clean it up a bit and move it over here. So, gentle readers (all two of you), please be patient as I get this underway again (hopefully with the assist of my list).

A mixed bag, 80-71...

2009-02-25T11:06:00.003-06:00

Greetings, fellow inhabitants of this island Earth. It's time for another entry into this mess of a blog. Suck it down and enjoy. Let's continue this little list, shall we? So here we go: "The T.R.M's list of Greatest Albums: 80-71".

80) Black Sunday - Cypress Hill
Love me some Cypress Hill and this was easily their best. There are some delicious songs on this thing. Whether you prefer to listen to this while "enjoying the herb" or in the car, this freaking album does not disappoint.

79) Battle of Los Angeles - Rage Against The Machine
While I may not agree with all of their politics, no one can deny these guys are not supremely talented musicians who have a point of view they don't back down from and you have to admire them for that. And the music and lyrics just flat out blow your mind. One of my all time favorite bands.

78) Ten Sumner's Tales - Sting
Sting is just an amazing musician, either with The Police or as a solo artist. And for me, this is my favorite solo album of his. I still listen to "Fields of Gold" to this day and the images it evokes are as real as memories.

77) Sixteen Stone - Bush
Love 'em or hate 'em, you can't deny that these guys know how to rock. But more than just a bunch of guys making some commercial rock, or latching on to the flaming tail of bands like Nirvana, these guys know how to put out good music and this definitely is one of their best.

76) The White Room - The KLF
I remember when this came out in the 90's and I just thought, "Damn, this is a weird album". And the ideals presented here, are still pretty out there. But these guys still did some cool experimenting in the mixing and we are easily the beneficiaries.

75) Mother's Milk - Red Hot Chili Peppers
This is the one that introduced me the Chili Peppers and I love it. For me, it was a good starting point but I love where these guys evolved to.

74) Hellbilly Deluxe - Rob Zombie
This was Rob's first solo effort (though honestly, he WAS White Zombie). Some great songs and a truly multi-talented artist. Not everyone's cup of tea, but I like him.

73) Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia - The Dandy Warhols
A great psuedo pop-rock album. Love the Warhols. Obviously, this had some good, radio friendly tunes on it. This is my favorite album of theirs.

72)
Never Mind The Bollocks - The Sex Pistols
The first great punk album and easily the best. Their only album, they seemed to be a self-fulfilling prophecy of nihilistic degeneration. Kinda bittersweet that they self destructed, one almost wonders what coulda been but also fears the caricature they could have become.

71)
Automatic For The People - R.E.M
Next to "Out Of Time", their most commercially accessible album. I love this thing. Just a great album that is at moments touching, uplifting, depressing and happy. Good thing.

That's all for now. Hopefully this thing isn't too lame. If it is, well, you're reading it. So, drop it and go read a book....

The next round, 90 - 81. So calm down, already...

2009-02-19T11:00:00.002-06:00

Well, I have returned, fellow revolutionaries. It's time for another installment at this jumble of words I call a blog. Again, I continue with my list of "The 100 Greatest Albums--According to Me: 90-81" So without further ado, onward....

90) Give Up - Postal Service
I freaking love this album. Originally just a side project for Death Cab for Cutie's Ben Gibbard and Dntel's Jimmy Tamborello, it's taken on a life of it's own. Getting their name from the fact that their constantly mailing tracks and samples to each other, this project just sounds so good. Just about everybody has heard at least one song off this album. Bonus cool factor: Jenny Lewis (lead singer of Rilo Kiley and solo artist in her own right) shows up.

89) Parachutes - Coldplay
It may seem weird to say now, but I remember when this album first dropped, no one I knew personally had this album or knew of these guys. That soon changed. I just loved it the first time I listened to it, I immediately listened to it again. Great album with some seriously great tunes. I'd say these guys have done okay for themselves.

88) This Desert Life - Counting Crows
One of my all time favorite bands. Of all their albums, this is my least favorite. Having said that, I still love this one. After all, it does have two of my favorite Counting Crows songs(that's another long list): "I Wish I Was A Girl" and "St. Robinson and His Cadillac Dream". Bet your bottom dollar the Crows other stuff shows up on here.

87)
Cracked Rear View - Hootie And The Blowfish
I know, I know. Back before their band's name became a funny one liner ("My name's not Hootie!") and "Fairweather Johnson", these guys were blowing up the country. There are so many good songs on this album (and not just the radio ones that got WAAAYY overplayed), I always found a new song on this album to like. Mainstream? No doubt. Still an entertaining listen? You betcha.

86) Let Your Dim Light Shine - Soul Asylum
Another 90's gem. After making their name known with "Grave Dancer's Union" and the hit "Runaway Train", I wondered what these guys would do next. I soon found out with this album. So many good songs. Their last great album, in my opinion.

85) Siamese Dream - Smashing Pumpkins
Coming in at the tail end of the whole "grunge" thing of the early 90's, these guys were one of the few with staying power (until they ultimately broke up...obviously). This album was their way of saying "Howdy, we're here to blow up your head." A great album best listened to loud.

84) Audioslave - Audioslave
A rebound band made up of the remains of two classic bands (Soundgarden and Rage Against The Machine) that lasted through 3 albums before succumbing. Their first album was easily their best, with each subsequent album making a weaker entry. At first apprehensive of the idea, I gave it a shot. After the inital shock of hearing Chris Cornell instead of Zach de la Rocha in front Tom Morello's guitar, I thought "These guys are pretty good". And after that, I really liked the band more and more. I still prefer RATM, but a good album is a good album.

83)
Turn On The Bright Lights - Interpol
The very first time I heard this album, I fell in love. There was some dark sounding sonic energy emanating from this, but I just dug it. "NYC" is just one of those songs I can listen to over and over. Their subsequent albums have been good as well, but nothing beats your first.

82) Elephant - The White Stripes
One of my favorites (although another Stripes album shows up on the list). Jack White is an amazing artist and with Meg, he has created a very special thing. Garage rock has never sounded this complex. Every song on this album is an assault on your senses, but you won't mind surrendering.

81)
Vegas - Crystal Method
Another influential electronic album for me. This one is just so good. From start to finish, it takes you on a journey through time and space but you never leave the earth. Definitely their best album.

And that's it for now. I'll post the next one in a week or two. Until then, fight the power and don't let "The Man" get you down. Whatever the hell that means.

Yeah, well, your top 100 albums suck too...

2009-02-10T08:34:00.005-06:00

Well, today is easily the heights of laziness. In an earlier blog (see here), I mention about how I started this list awhile back, being harassed about it's unfinished nature, yada yada yada, so here it is. I literally just cut and pasted it (though I made some minor tweaks,like linking it and added some album pics), but now that I've moved it, I have to finish it eventually. So here it is, in it's rough entirety.

Side note: My blog this was originally one was on Myspace and I called it "The Queen's Grande Almanac".

Howdy, folk type people, sorry it's been so long between installments. I have been focusing on writing other stuff and...well, quite frankly, I only have so much juice to go around. But I'm here, I'm back for the moment, dwell on the moment and smell the freshly laundered ideas and enjoy the moment.

So, what to talk about in this entry? Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm gonna cheat this time. It's not gonna be some wandering dialogue of my thoughts (though it may give you peak deeper inside me, an idea both scary and disturbing).

I have been reading and seeing people give their top 10 or whatever lists for 100 years (or thereabout) and I said, "Screw it, I could do a better list." Especially both VH1's and Rolling Stone's top 100 album's of all time lists. And that's what I'm gonna do. Not all at once or anything but spread out over several installments of this damn thing.

Now, my requirements and guidelines for this list.
1) To qualify, an album must be a couple of things:

A- 90% or higher listenable (is that even a word?). In other words, you can listen to it from start to finish without skipping more than 2 or 3 songs.
B- Bears up under repeated listens. It's one you can easily see slipping it into a player anytime.

2) This is my list, not anyone else's. There will be stuff on here people might go, "What?" It's not a list of what everyone considers the most important works of music. Say for example I don't add The Beatles "Abbey Road" but I have the Spin Doctors "Pocketful of Krytonite" on the list (Don't worry, that doesn't happen), it doesn't mean I think "Pocketful of Krytonite" is more important in the big picture, I just happen to prefer it to "Abbey Road" (again, not the case). This is just the reasoning that is behind what's on here. Don't agree or don't like my choices? Let me know your thoughts and opinions. Or make your own damn list. Or both.

3) And lastly, these are in no definite order. The only album ranked in importance is #1 because it definitely is my favorite album. Everything is just random order (though I will admit, I did save albums I consider more classic for later in the list, near the top).

So without further delay, here goes the first installment. "The Robot Monkey Top 100 Albums of All Time...so far, at least....Number's 100-91"

100.) Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
One of the first of the bands to come out a couple of years ago, capturing that punk/pop/new wave sound like the Killers and Bloc Party. I love this album, it just has such a carefree attitude with a dark underside. Every song seems to hint at a larger story.

99.) Kasabian - Kasabian
Another along the same lines which came out about the same time as Franz Ferdinand. I just plain like this album. Kasabian seems to come out of the gate swinging (their sophomore effort, "Empire", was pretty good). Can't wait to see what comes next.

98.)
Ganging Up On The Sun - Guster
This one has some great songs which are instantly enjoyable. Just can't enough of it. Like start to finish, I love this album. Chilled out, rocking, it just seems to cover all it's bases.

97.)
Her Majesty - The Decemberists
The first appearance of one of my favorite bands on this list. This album has great songs on it and what I love about these guys is their ability to tell a story without it turning into your typical "story song". What's really interesting is you can see the Decemberists evolution from album to album. Folk rock has never sounded cooler.

96.) Psalm 69 - Ministry
This was my first really industrial/metal album. Though I'm not a huge fan of the genre (preferring individual bands than the movement), I love this album. When I first graduated high school and went to college and started taking road trips, I listened to this album a lot and was always amazed how quickly the trip seemed to go.

95.)
The Mirror Conspiracy - Thievery Corporation
Just a great, sit back with an adult beverage or spark a spliff and chill out kinda album. A great mood enhancer. Almost hypnotic in it's effect on me. Eclectic but not jarring. I can't recommend this enough. A great group.

94.)
On and On - Jack Johnson
This was a bit tricky for me, trying to try and decide which Jack Johnson album I would include on here (although I did pick another one or two as well). It was tough. I finally decided on this one because it has the most songs on it that I like. That's it. Nothing too profound. Great album from a freaking awesome artist.

93)
Blue Light, Red Light - Harry Connick, Jr.
Another tricky one for me (this one and "We Are In Love") and again, it came down to which had more songs I liked. Also, this was the first Harry Connick album I was introduced to. Thanks to my friend, Robbie Seay, who is not a bad artist himself (Check out Better Days, out now). He introduced me to this album.

92.) Bringing Down The Horse - The Wallflowers
Bob Dylan's son Jakob does alright for himself on this album. He has his father's soul but sings better. A great album. I didn't really keep up with any of their subsequent albums, but this one absolutely killed. So many great songs.

91.)
Exit Planet Dust - Chemical Brothers
The first Chemical Brother's album I ever listened to. Connected with it instantly. These guys (along with Fatboy Slim, Crystal Method, Bentley Rhythm Ace and Prodigy) really kicked off the '90s surge of great electronic music, mostly out of England. It just starts out with a powerful beat and doesn't let up until the album ends.

And that's it for now. Next time, number's 91-81. Tune in.

My Soundtrack...

2009-01-08T11:44:00.006-06:00

I did this awhile back with friends on MySpace. Can't remember what my original answers were, but here's my answers now.

It's a fun little exercise. If your life needed a soundtrack, what songs would cover what moments. Here's mine:

Opening Credits: Chicago - Sufjan Stevens

Waking Up Scene: The Sound of Settling - Death Cab For Cutie

Getting Ready Scene: Young Folks - Peter Bjorn and John

Car Driving Scene: Rolling - Soul Coughing

High School Flashback Scene: Einstein On The Beach - Counting Crows

Nostalgic Scene: One Man Wreaking Machine - Guster

Angry Scene: Killing In The Name - Rage Against The Machine

Agony, Painful Scene: Hysteria - MUSE

Break-up Scene: Fond Farewell - Elliot Smith

Sad, Breakdown Scene: The Transfiguration - Sufjan Stevens

Nightclub/Dance Scene: Diving - 4 Strings

Buddy/Sidekick Scene: Broken - Jack Johnson

Dreaming of Someone Scene: The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson

Contemplation Scene: The Legionnaire's Lament - The Decemberists

Love Scene: Rangers - A Fine Frenzy

Kissing Scene: No One Has To Know - Eliot Morris

Relaxing Scene: Lebanese Blonde - Thievery Corporation and First Breath - Explosions In The Sky

Action/Fight Scene: Around The Horn - The Bronx, Scum of the Earth - Rob Zombie and Smack My B**ch Up - The Prodigy

Victory Scene: Treehouse - I'm From Barcelona

Closing Credits: New Day - Robbie Seay Band

Obviously, I reserve the right to change this at any point as my mood changes or come across something better.

So, what would YOUR soundtrack be?

2009-01-06T10:59:00.004-06:00

So, I'm visiting one of the many sites I frequent about two months back and it takes me to the Spike TV website for "The 25 Dumbest Band Names". I'm expecting a mountain of hilarity, some gut busting examples and I get stuff like (Are ya' ready? Ya' ready for this?) U2! Bwahaha! Isn't that crazy? Or how about this one? Red Hot Chili Peppers! Isn't that stupid? Hahahah- oh wait....no. No, it really isn't funny. Or witty. Or even dumb. (You can see it for yourself here.)

But it did get me to thinking. What would I say were the dumbest band names? Now bear in mind, there are some bands with weird names that I like or even fit the band But some are just head scratchers. Allow me to present band names I think are dumb. Of course this list is subjective to the reader blah, blah, blah.

Backstreet Boys - I remember the first time I heard of these guys back in the late 90's. It was a night at Subway. I was with my good friend Craig (see here and here
for a recounting of his birthday I did early on in this thing) and this poppy, soul sucking music started and I asked Craig who it was. He said, "The Backstreet Boys". I responded, "Hmm". I do remember thinking "Backstreet Boys? Could be some hardcore mofo's...or a really bad and obvious gay joke." So...make your own joke here.

Nsync - Alright, for some reason, all the boy bands have really stupid names. So this list could turn into a "Boy Bands All Stupid Name List". Which, really, would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Or shooting boy band members with a fan so that their shirts flow around them. The only reason I single out Nsync is because I always hated their stupid name. When I first saw it printed, I was like "Huh"? Then, when I realized it was "in synch", I wanted to punch their parents for not using birth control. I mean really: how dare they?

Mott the Hoople - I know, some people consider this band classic but I always thought they had a weird name. They apparently took if from a novel about a circus freak. Pretty self explanatory, really.

Eh, I've lost interest in this one. If anyone has some ideas, post them and I'll comment on them.

"Do the work for me, minions!" Seriously, it's brain taxing and I've got better things to comment on. Call it a cop out all you want, but...uh...you, uh...smell like poo.

And now, my favorite Eastern European boy group: Shisten Zugulagz Vixiy Kraznazrly (Translated: The Gathering of Singing Virgins of the Worker's Paradise and Car Wash. I think.)

Another best of list, but one that doesn't suck...

2008-12-23T15:47:00.009-06:00

You know, I'm sitting here and I'm seeing people's best of lists and I'm like, "Dang it, I should make my own list." Yeah, that's pretty much it. Nothing too sexy. Well, there's another reason. It's an appeasement tactic. See, I used to blog on my myspace page. I was writing a series of blogs chronicling what I thought was my picks for the 100 greatest albums of all time. Well, I never finished it. And now, my cousin, who was reading it, has given me grief about not finishing the list yet. I may eventually transfer it over here and finish it up. So in lieu of that for now, I present to you my Christmas gift and end of the year wrap up:

My 10 Best Albums of 2008. Enjoy.

10) "Oracular Spectacular" - MGMT
This is a great album. Electropop indie rock, this album gets started with "Time to Pretend" and just doesn't let up until "Future Reflections". At times sounding like some mash up of Pink Floyd and MUSE by way of the Secret Machines, it wears it's Synthpop label proudly.

9) "The Bedlam in Goliath" - The Mars Volta
I love The Mars Volta. Very eclectic, mixing a lot of different styles, this album just pounds. While "De-Loused in the Comatorium" is still easily their best album, this might be a contender for second best.

8) "Hold On Now, Youngster..." - Los Campesinos!
First heard these guys on their EP "Sticking Fingers Into Sockets", which I fell in love with. Imagine my delight at finely getting and hearing their full album. If your a fan of Architecture In Helsinki or just fun music, then give them a listen.

7) "HAARP" - MUSE
I love, love, love MUSE. One of my favorites bands. And normally, I would probably not do a live album of previously released material. But MUSE is one of the best live bands I have ever heard. They literally rocked my face off. If you haven't had the pleasure, this may be the closest you get.
BONUS: It comes with a DVD of two Wembley Stadium concerts in London which many considered the live event of the year.

6) "Vampire Weekend" - Vampire Weekend
I really dig these guys. They've got a pop sensibility that reminds me of the early Beatles. They are a cool, fun group.

5) "Age of the Understatement" - The Last Shadow Puppets
When you've got the mixture of Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys, Mile Kane of The Little Flames and the Rascals, James Ford of Simian Mobile Disco, the London Metropolitan Orchestra and Owen Pallett of the Arcade Fire, it's something I want to check out. And in this case, it is worth checking out.

4) "Radio Retaliation - Thievery Corporation
Another one of my favorite bands. These guys have taken music to dizzying heights. Blending different styles together to create great, very chilled music. And they don't disappoint here.
A side note: Saw these guys at ACL Fest two years ago. Fantastic. They put on such a good show.

3) "Acid Tongue" - Jenny Lewis
I have been a fan of Jenny Lewis with her band Rilo Kiley and in her incarnation with the Watson Twins. This album is a little jazzy, a little bluesy but really cool. Jenny Lewis has a great voice, a little smoky, a little sexy, very enticing.

2) "Narrow Stairs" - Death Cab For Cutie
This was tough. This one almost got the top spot. I can't help it, I love Death Cab. Or any of Ben Gibbard's side projects. And this one has it's share of great songs, from the dark, troubling beauty of "I Will Possess Your Heart" to "The Ice Is Getting Thinner". A complete album. Unfairly or not, I guess the deciding factor is this just isn't my favorite album from them (that honor going to 2003's "Transalanticism"). And now the top album of 2008 (in my opinion of course, and let's face it, you're reading my list so my opinion is all that matters...)

1) "Fleet Foxes" - Fleet Foxes
This is my top album of 2008. Hands down. A journey into baroque pop and indie folk. Like the best elements of the Beach Boys, Animal Collective and My Morning Jacket, it flows into your ears like some choral syrup. Like hot chocolate for your soul on a cold winter's night. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

Honorable mentions that almost made it:

"At Mount Zoomer" - Wolf Parade

"All or Nothing" - The Subways

"The Stand Ins" - Okkervil River

"Innerpartysystem" - Innerpartysystem

"The Red Album" - Weezer

"One Day As A Lion" - One Day As A Lion

"Off With Their Heads" - Kaiser Chiefs

"Perfect Symmetry" - Keane

"Intimacy" - Bloc Party

Happy 2009 Everyone!

Osama and Pop Tarts: In Cahoots?

2008-10-03T11:21:00.009-05:00

This week, I'm trying an experiment. It's really more of a laziness thing. But more than anything, it's for me to get my butt in gear and do something beside mope around or brood. So here's the thing: I am gonna get a coworker to suggest a random topic and then I am gonna fling a bunch of words at and try to pass it off as funny.

First, here's how went. First, I approached two different people for two different topics. You know, give myself options. This is what I got: the difference between toaster strudels and pop tarts and are we winning the war on terror?

.....yes, I am also wanting to slap both idiots with a halibut. But I brought this on myself, so I gotta man up and put this stuff down. Or like my dad always used to say, "Son, you're an idiot and I'm sorry we adopted you."

So, I'm gonna mash them up and get...what is the difference between toaster strudels, pop tarts and the war on terror and which one is winning? (I could totally see this in some government or sociology college class as an essay question on a test. Be pretty funny to watch as the self important student taking the test head explodes like in "Scanners".)

I'll answer this as such: there is no difference and no one is winning. Except perhaps Pillsbury or Kellogg's. And maybe that's the conspiracy. The hands guiding events behind the scenes. I can easily accept some secret cabal of breakfast food characters meeting around a table, directing world events. A scene played out, something like this....

Scene: An underground bunker, deep in the bowels of the Earth. A dark, forbidding room with a large meeting table. Seated around the table sit several "beloved" characters from various breakfast foods. The Trix Rabbit, Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop, The Pillsbury Doughboy, Lucky the Leprechaun, Cap'n Crunch, Raisin Scoops Sun, Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry, Cookie Crisp Thief, Sonny the Coco Bird and the NesQuik Bunny. A meeting is underway.

Cap'n Crunch: So, we're in agreement then? We continue to slip in mind control drugs in our product?
Tony the Tiger: They'rrreee gggrrrreeeaattt!!!
Cap'n Crunch: All in favor, say 'Aye'.
(A chorus of 'Ayes' follow.)
Crunch: Opposed?
(Crickets chirp.)
Count Chocula: So, the motion is carried, awh-awh-hah.
Lucky: Aye, we'll see those wee little tossers steal me Lucky Charms. I'll just tell them to jump down a f#@$ing well. Where's me bloody drink?
Pillsbury: Hee-hee!
Lucky: Shut it, ya' bloody poofter!
Crunch: Order, order. Now, for the next piece of business-
Snap: Hold it.
Crackle: We want to discuss something.
Pop: Namely, the seating arrangements.
Crunch: Very well, what's the problem?
Snap: We want to move.
Crackle: Like somewhere else.
Pop: This seat sucks.
NesQuik Bunny: Oh, cry me a damn river. I'm stuck over here between the the junkie (gesturing at Sonny)-
Sonny: I can't help it. I'm cuckoo for Coco Puffs. I need the stuff...
NesQuik: -and this creep wants to suck on me because he thinks I'm made of chocolate or some crap...hey! Cut it out!
(Count Chocula was trying to suck his neck in classic vampire fashion)
Count Chocula: Blah-blah, I can't help it. You must be filled with chocolatey goodness.
NesQuik: I'm seriously gonna find a stake of some sort and use it on you.
Snap: Hey, we're talkin' here.
Crackle: We ain't finished yet, jerk weed.
Pop: (Pause) Err, what they said.
Trix: Does anyone else find that annoying?
Snap: Can we get back on topic here?
Crackle: We want to move.
Pop: We're sitting too close to Two Scoops here (He gestures to the Raisin Bran Sun).
Tony: Why? He's gggrrrrreeeaatttt!!
Snap: Um, yeah. Not really.
Crackle: He pulls out these raisins that go everywhere.
Pop: And I think I'm developing skin cancer due to the close proximity to the UV rays.
Snap: Also, he's melting the seat.
Crackle: Burning plastic smells like ass, you know?
Pop: And it burns your lungs, breathing this crap in.
Cookie Crisp: I don't think it's doing Pillsbury any favors either. (He gestures to the Doughboy, seated on the other side of Two Scoops.)
Pillsbury: It's true. My skin is turning a lightly brown, flaky and with a hint of butter.
Crunch: Oh is that it? I thought someone was baking pastries. Delicious and hot pastries...(He's drooling.)
Frankenberry: How is the alliance going with the Taliban?
Crunch: (Hurriedly) Uh, great, great. Al Queda too. But we'll have to table it for now. (He gets an evil look on his face) It's time for a snack break.
(All eyes turn to Pillsbury.)
Pillsbury: Uh-oh. Uh, nothing says lovin' like a hot biscuit..err, I mean, uh...oh crap.
Trix: Get his legs first, that way he can't run.
Tony: Pastry breaks are ggggrrrrrreeeaaa- (He's cut off as gets hit with a large shillelagh.)
Lucky: Oi, stuff it, ya' wanker!

As we leave this happy scene, bear in mind this: This is probably happening as we speak, so beware. Now, I'm hungry for pastries, dammit.

And now for your viewing pleasure, an out of context re-edit of one of the Presidential debates:

The Not So Presidential Debate from aaron sedlak on Vimeo

And now a brief word regarding this rather lengthy intermission...

2008-09-16T12:12:00.005-05:00

Hey peeps, how is it hanging? Well, I'm sure most of you who read this thing (and you know who you are) have been wondering if this thing would ever have any new entries. Well, I have an answer for you. And that definite and defiant answer is this: probably. I'm gonna let that soak in.

....

Has it soaked in yet? Good, I...oh it hasn't? I thought...alright, I'll wait some more.

....

Is this gonna take long? Do I have anything better to do? *indignant sputtering* Well, of course I...how dare you, sir (or madam)? I've got so much going on...I can't believe you would even ask such a stupid...no, I have nothing better to do, I suppose. *sigh*

Alright, continuing on. You may be asking what the impetus is for such a momentous occasion. A couple of things, actually. First, the overwhelming desire to write has been beating me about the ears with a tuna fish for some time now. The itch has grown and I need to scratch it. Or rub some aloe vera on it. Also, as been stated in these very pages and by other people who have a vested interest in my welfare (i.e. friends and family), I need to keep writing. Even if it's just a form of therapy. But probably more to the point, the whole situation that prevented me from writing (at least on a mental level, if not emotional) may finally, blessedly be coming to an end, for better or for worse. Which has had the benefit of freeing up my head to engage once again in the insane zaniness to which it is accustomed.

So, I guess it took a natural disaster to knock me out of my general malaise regarding this thing. But when the Gulf Coast/Houston area takes a pounding from an Ike and our name isn't Tina, it causes you to re-examine things, I suppose. And yes, that last line was just an excuse to throw in a Ike-Tina joke. But I've been holding on to those one-liners since I found out Ike was heading here and dammit, I was gonna use one eventually.

So, I'm back, baby. I guess like Ari Gold would say, "Let's hug it out, bitch."

The funny has been gone lately...

2008-07-21T11:46:00.002-05:00

To the couple of you who read this, I'm sorry I haven't been writing. There has been a lot of stress occupying my personal life lately and it has literally sucked the inspiration to write, er, right out of me. One day, I may or may not reveal everything that is going on at some point down the line as it would probably be a good story and illustrate the importance of faith, leaning on your friends and family and a general appreciation of your life and the things we all take for granted. This entry isn't quite "A Very Special Episode" territory yet. But it has the potential. All I'll say is if you are the praying type, please keep me and the family in your prayers. If you're not, think kindly of us or whatever it is you do.

Having said all of that, I hope to begin contributing more insanity to the world again on a regular basis. School is ending and a new job is hopefully looming on the horizon, so hopefully soon, the Robot Monkey will be flinging cybernetic fecal matter in your direction.

I get confused, remake Star Wars and Peyton Manning should not raise your kids...

2008-05-21T09:29:00.007-05:00

Yup, it's that time again. Punch a chicken, slap a monkey and help an old lady across the street. Your venerable time waster returns with another exciting installment of "Tales of Sweaty, Shirtless Men in Heat"...

In our last installment, Rock Brannigan was just discovering his true feelings for Bucky during a strenous wrestling match. A very private session indeed. Their bodies, glistening with sweat, were entwined in...

Err, hang on a tic. I think this is the wrong blog. Crap...

Hey, welcome back to "My Struggles With Garden Gnomes", a blog dedicated to taking care of your garden and my trials and tribulations with garden gnomes.

Hmm, no....

This week on "Llama Love", I discuss proper grooming techniques and the best date spots in Argentina.

Uhm, wait...

Hi, and thanks for reading "Josef Stalin is my baby daddy"...

Sorry, I've got way too many irons in the fire. I get confused easily.

I was watching previews for coming movies recently and saw a trailer for "Get Smart". Now normally, I despise most remakes like I hate "reality" television. But this one may have some things in it's favor. It actually looks funny and it has Steve Carrel, which is a 95% chance that it will be a good movie. But I could be wrong. It wouldn't necessarily be the first time.

Let's face it though. The entertainment landscape is littered with failures that were supposed to be remakes, T.V. and movies. It would actually be easier to name the projects that were successful rather than the failures. In T.V., you've had shows like Battlestar Galactica, The Office and Doctor Who (which is not technically a remake). In movies, you've had Ocean's Eleven, The Departed and Mission:Impossible (I really had to think hard for successes or even good movies). Has Hollywood really come up that short on original ideas? (Answer: yes) The best it can do are sequels, remakes, formulaic crap directly off the Spin-a-Story Mix-n-Match Wheel (Patent Pending) or big fluffy blockbusters, filled with explosions and CGI effects (something I like to call the "Michael Bay Effect")? (Answer: yes again)

C'mon, Hollywood, the only things that should be remade are failures. Like say you have a movie with a good idea but poor execution. Maybe a sci-fi movie with crappy special effects, remade today utilizing the advances in special effect tech. I don't know.

Tell you what, let me know (all 5 of you reading this): If you could remake any movie, what would it be and why? Get as specific or as general as you want. I'm interested to see what other folks say. I'll even start it off.

The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Episodes 1-3
Yes, I know this isn't an old movie and veering into geek territory here, but I had to call "Crap" on this one.
*Spoiler Alert*
Let me get this straight: Anakin Skywalker turns to the Dark Side suddenly (and rather abruptly, I might add) because he's afraid his wife will die? Lucas, c'mon, are you kidding me? You totally mailed it in on this. That is the lamest reason ever. There was so much wrong with the whole prequel trilogy but Anakin's journey to becoming Darth Vader was the absolute worst. This sweet natured kid in "The Phantom Menace" goes to becoming a sullen, rebellious bastard in "Attack of The Clones" after being raised essentially by an order of monks (the Jedi)? What? There was an easy fix for this. Allow me to share my idea.

First, in Episode 1, don't have Anakin go up into space and save the day. Keep him on the ground and let him witness the lightsaber duel with Darth Maul. Let him see Liam Neeson get killed, Obi-Wan beaten and Darth Maul escaping. Thus, you establish a reason for revenge and an even more insidious decent into the Dark Side.

Next, in Episode 2, the movie can remain the same except change the ending slightly. Instead of Dooku being the main villian, make it Maul again. The fight would go essentially the same except Anakin would be getting his ass handed to him but would start tapping into that hate and anger towards Maul and would start putting up a serious fight before pulling back, realizing he was slipping towards the Dark Side.

Lastly, in Episode 3, Anakin would be all conflicted about his drift to the Dark Side until about halfway through the film when he would again be fighting Maul, this time in front of Emperor Palpatine (in a scene eerily similiar to the climactic duel with Vader and Luke in "Return of The Jedi"). He would again be struggling until deciding to make the decision to go to the Dark Side and kill Maul, which he does. This would be a nice juxtaposition with the latter scene in "Return", making it that more poignant and redemptive when Luke decides not to follow the path his father took.

That's the type of remake I would do.

Oh and one final thought: In "Revenge of The Sith", the Jedi, the supreme badasses of the universe that can handle ANYTHING, are surprised by these clone troops turning on them and killing them. You mean the same guys who because the Force have a spider-sense about when danger is coming? Who can sense emotions or intents? Really? Surprised? All killed except for Yoda? Besides, I thought Vader hunted them all down and killed them? Oh well, geek rant over.

And I meant to post this weeks ago, right before the NFL draft but couldn't find it. Well, here it is now: one of the funniest commercials ever on SNL.

Peyton Manning United Way SNL

Mothers...and Harry Caray

2008-05-12T08:39:00.006-05:00

From the farthest reaches of your imagination and the limits of your moral frontier, here I am to scratch you behind the ears. I hope all is well in your personal hemisphere.

Well, after a week being held captive to the whims and desires of power mad oil magnates and depraved desert sheiks, my great ordeal is over. Or as we like to say around here, "OTC has ended." I won't bore you with specifics, suffice to say OTC is a four day Oil and Technology Conference held here where I work every year. And now it's over. And that's all I have to say about that.

Needless to say, it's been a fairly uneventful time. Which can be a good or bad thing, depending on your viewpoint.

Mother's Day came and went and a good time was had by all. Even me and it is a holiday I usually loathe. Now, before everyone picks up the pitchfork and decides to try and burn down the windmill I'm hiding in, let me clarify. I'm all about moms. I love moms. I have several, including the one that birthed me that still dotes on me. Hell, I married one (I mean, she wasn't one when we got married or anything but I certainly made her one a year later...Hu-wah!). Anyhoo, I don't even have anything against honoring them. The Bible tells us do it, all of us are born (or have it nurtured) with that connection from mother to child. What I hate is the idea of a holiday celebrating it.

(I said to put the damn pitchforks down. Yes, I'm talking to you.)

First, I hate any holiday of this ilk? What ilk, you ask? It's a woodland bovine creature with huge antlers. Haha, silly rabbit, I kid you.

I lump Father's Day, Valentine's Day, Grandparent's Day, Veteran's Day, etc; Any holiday you are mandated to celebrate some idea like this I detest. Unless it is something celebrating a specific event or thing or person, it is a lazy person's built-in escape clause. Don't appreciate your mom for making that trip out of the way, at the last minute, in the bad weather to get that thing you really need for whatever bullshit is important at the moment? Hey, give her a flower on Mother's Day, that'll cover you. Want to tell your dad you appreciate the sacrifices he made in his personal life to provide a better life for you? Buy him a crappy tie one day a year and he'll be filled with a sense of pride that he's doing the right thing. You really love that you significant other and want to make them feel really special? Take 'em out on a date one night a year and paint the town red. You'll be in like Flynn.

These holidays are like getting absolution for your sins for an entire year. I know this isn't applicable to everyone and that's great. But I'd be willing to bet it's true for more people than you think. And that's the reason I hate these holidays. And yes, I partake in them too but I think about these other things as well. My point is don't get sucked into the hoopla of honoring the people in your lives on just one day a year or once in awhile. Make it a more regular thing. That's true appreciation.

Alright, sermon over. Now, hardcore nudity!

...okay, maybe not. But I will tell you what my wife and I did for Mom Day. I leave it up to her. It's her day, whatever she wants to do. So what does she suggest? She wants wings and beer. Blew my mind a little but I roll very casual like so I'm definitely cool with it. Besides, it's her day right? So we go to BW3's, have wings and a beer or two then go see "Iron Man" (which wasn't a bad popcorn movie that appealed to my comic book sensibilities). Had a great time. That's it, nothing really crazy. Funny post script: As we're leaving the theater, I realize we sat and watched the entire movie seated right next to old friends we hadn't seen in like 8 years. So we visit with them for an hour and a half afterwards. Crazy, man.

And now, one of the only good things to come out of SNL since the legendary group of the 1990's, Will Ferrell as one of my favorite characters of his.

"If the moon was made of spare ribs, would you eat it?" Classic stuff.

And remember: Today is "Pick Your Nose And Massage a Wombat For World Peace Day". Don't forget to get a cake and kick a porcupine, because that's what a wombat would want you to do.

It's a party and the Breakfast Club...

2008-05-02T11:51:00.002-05:00

So, it's Friday, I have two more weeks of class after tonite, a big shindig on Saturday and the rest of the weekend. Suffice to say, I am ready for the weekend. So, hopefully I will come back next week with debauched tales of depraved activity, copious amounts of alcohol and brilliant recitations of Longfellow's "Song of Hiawatha". Enjoy yourself and I promise on Roger Clemen's honor and integrity to have a new and brilliant blog entry next week.

Well, new at least.

And to tide you over, a funny little clip involving many of your favorite cereal characters. A bit of warning: there is some adult language and a little bit of drug references.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

I, Robot Monkey...and Solomon Grundy..

2008-04-24T09:38:00.005-05:00

I copied this idea from Liz: (who in turn copied it from somebody else so I guess this can be traced to a guy somewhere in Nigeria). Thanks for allowing me to make a lazy entry today, Lizard.

i am: at work, valiantly fending off the overwhelming tide of boredom.
i think: we would all better off if all of life's problems could be solved by the Kool-Aid Man busting through the walls and yelling "OH YEAH!"
i know: that I can be very infantile 98% of the time
i want: I want a new job that will completely provide for my family
i have: too much I want to do and not enough time to do it in
i wish: I had better focus so that I could take better advantage of all my downtime
i hate: stupid and selfish emotions
i miss: my friends
i fear: not realizing my full potential and wallowing in mediocrity
i feel: tired, but full of excitement
i hear: "Manna" by Rogue Wave
i smell: only the grossly obnoxious odor of the inside of my own nose (being stopped up sucks)
i crave: a pint of Guinness and a plate of fish and chips
i search: constantly for new experiences, whether it be music, movies, events or people
i wonder: will I ever fully realize my dreams
i regret: not making the most of some early opportunities in my life
i love: spending time with friends and family and entertaining the hell out of them
i ache: every time I turn on the news (which is all to often lately) and hear about more crimes committed against children
i care: about all the little things and the big things too
i always: have to respond to things with what passes for "witty" with me
i am not: weak
i believe: we need to be constantly learning and that when we stop, we cease to grow as humans
i dance: only when my wife begs me to
i sing: all the time and fantasize that I am performing for a large audience
i don’t always:
i fight: with the inane stupidity of most Americans on a daily basis
i write: blogs, novels I never finish, poetry, daily action reports. You know, the usual
i win: lose, or draw.
i lose: time. And my head.
i never: eat sushi. (Okay, I had to steal this one from Liz, as I utterly detest sushi)
i confuse: my political parties because honestly, they both seem the same to me either way
i listen: to sports radio talk shows more than I should (but I'm too much of a freakin' sports junkie)
i can usually be found: in front of my computer or in my truck
i am scared: roaches. Those damn things make me cry like a little baby.
i need: more money and a career that provides job fulfillment
i am happy about: the utterly silliness of life
You?

And with that, I sign off for an extended weekend (yay.) as I celebrate my birthday this weekend. And if anyone is in the H-Town area next weekend, we are having a shindig for my birthday (some people were not gonna be available this weekend [..uhm, Ashley...])on Saturday (May 3). So if your interested, give me a yell and I'll give you the pertinent info.

And now, to leave you with the obligatory odd video: a commercial for Cartoon Network from awhile back. The Injustice League in "Whiners can be losers." Enjoy. Because Solomon Grundy wants pants, too.

Because it's Tuesday...

2008-04-22T11:59:00.005-05:00

...and I have no time to actually write an honest-to-goodness blog, I will just post some videos. Cause that's how my lazy ass rolls.

From a couple of years ago, this is called "LARPing". I call it "guaranteeing your virgin status". Funny stuff.

Lightning Bolt!

My favorite fake trailer. Imagine if you will, the cinematic classic "The Ten Commandments" remade today as a romantic teen comedy. With Samuel L. Jackson.

Here's a clip from a Bush press conference you may have not seen. Because THEY didn't want you to.

One of my favorite moments from "The Office"(U.S.). Jim and Dwight imitate each other. This is a great show. If you aren't watching it, you must have head trauma. Or a life, I suppose. *sigh*

Now with subtitles!

And now, music time:

First up, a great band sure to put a smile on your face. At least they do me.
I'm From Barcelona - "Collection of Stamps"

I'm From Barcelona - "We're From Barcelona"

Sufjan Stevens - "Chicago" (While not really video, this is a great song by one of my all time favorite artists)

Next posting should be more the usual thing. Good day.

A good time had by all, I guess...

2008-04-17T09:28:00.003-05:00

Yes, it's Thursday and the majority of this blog is about this past weekend. I'm slow, what can I see. First, some updates for the previous entry (see Bittersweet Return):

A)The bank situation. Not merely content with screwing me once, Wachovia comes back for sloppy seconds. I get hit with more overdraft charges for things that should have gone through 4 or 5 days to a week prior. Which left me with a negative balance. It smelled funny and I never could get a satisfactory answer from anyone with Wachovia. And wouldn't you know it, I had just enabled direct deposit. But due to the time I discovered my account problem, it was too late for me to cancel my direct deposit. So, I went down to Wachovia Friday morning and withdrew everything from my account. I wanted to do this first before closing my account because honestly I didn't want them to attempt some sort of shennanigans with my money or give me grief. But, of course, because I did this and apparently whoever their system admin or bank computer programmer is (I'm assuming it's the same 8 year old child, which could be an unintended insult to 8 year olds everywhere), there was a problem closing out the account. It took me like 15 or 20 minutes for a trip that should have been only 5 minutes. So, if I can reiterate again: if the time comes and you have to make a banking choice between a blind chimpanzee with rabies or Wachovia, go with the blind, rabid chimp, it's definitely the safer bet. Oh and our final banking destination? We went with Capitol One. Meg and I got a good vibe with them (they were honest and upfront with us, which was a definite upgrade). I'll keep you posted on how things work out with them.

B) The hard drive issue. Needless to say, there are lots of things I'm gonna have to leave unsaid about this one at the risk of hurting some feelings with people who may or may not read this thing. Suffice to say, the hard drive cratered before I was actually able to pull anything off it. So over 400 GB of data are gone. All my music, movies, family pictures, some writing, and my detailed catalog of my movie library on DVD (Don't laugh, I have almost 2000 movies and television series collected.). Gone. On the bright side, I got my replacement hard drive yesterday. Yay.

Now, onwards. This weekend my good friend (and godfather to my kids) Marcus, came over for an evening of video games, movies, adult beverages and good food. I played Assassin's Creed (which is a hell of a fun game)and BioShock (another great game). We drank a nice amount of adult beverages, had a great dinner and watched "No Country For Old Men". It was a great movie, beautifully shot, with great characters that drew you in. And yes, the ending is a bit...unexpected (and no, I don't mean it has some sort of M. Night Shyamalan twist ending) but I don't believe it detracted from the film in any way. I highly recommend it. One of the first films in awhile (excluding "The Departed", which also deserved it) that got the "Best Picture Oscar" and deserved it.

Then, Marcus went home and everyone except my sister-in-law and myself went to bed. I wanted to watch another movie, so I fired up "Pathfinder". I thought, "This one has to be kinda good. I mean c'mon, it's gotten Indians and Vikings. Swords, action, one of the guys from 'Lord Of The Rings'." Now, I'm gonna chalk it up to the aforementioned beverages because I was feeling pretty good. But it took until almost the halfway point of the movie when I was struck by an epiphany. I stopped, looked at Jamie and said, "Oh my god. This is a BAD movie. Dammit." The "Dammit" was because I was to the halfway point and I knew was going to have to now sit through the rest, just to finish it. I was too much invested in this steaming pile of celluloid to just quit now. Now, I know some of you would have no problem just picking up the remote and turning it off. But not me. I'm too obsessive to an almost masochistic extent. I have to watch to see the end. Whether it be the morbid fascination we usually attribute to watching a car wreck or wanting to see if there is something to the film, some redeeming quality or just that natural tendency to have any story left unfinished, I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's an amalgam of all these things and more. I just know, at that point I had to finish the stupid thing. Which I did. And I was still left feeling unfulfilled. Oh well.

That's all for now, folks. But mark your calenders as a very important date is approaching. Namely April 26. Or as it is known in parts of the world, "The Celebration of the Day of Birth of Sir Kyle Robot-Monkey." Yes, bee-yotches, it's my birthday so plan accordingly.

And because life can be so confusing sometimes, I present this well viewed video of the infamous Miss South Carolina...with subtitles! Enjoy.

A bittersweet return...

2008-04-09T11:27:00.005-05:00

I know it's been over a month since last I posted (excluding the videos I posted), so in advance, I'm sorry. But you can stop judging me with your holier-than-thou attitude, okay? I saw you, sitting on your couch, eating chocolate bon-bons, watching your "stories". Sitting there in your "Power Ranger" under roos, with Cheeto-stained bathrobe, scratching your butt, awash in your own filth.

...Oh, that wasn't you? Well, who the hell's house was I standing outside of? Well, that will probably be another restraining order. Moving on, it's good to be back in the saddle like Heath Ledger on Jake Gyllenhal. The horse people and sheep molesters finished their big wingding and moved on and then some NCAA regional action and I just had nothing to say. Well, that's kinda still the case. Except it's not. Like last week.

Last week was, for the most part, normal. Except for three kinda big things. I will now proceed to list them. As follows:

1) My youngest, Ainsley (2 years)got really sick due to a sinus infection. When I mean sick, I mean continous coughing, being irritable and high fever. It got so bad with her fever getting as high as 104.4, which almost meant an ER visit. And since she was not feeling good, she was sharing our bed. Needless to say, not much sleep was gotten all the way around.

2) My computer hard drive decided it was time to die. My 500 GB hard drive. My 500 GB hard drive that is almost filled up with 330 GB's of MP3s, and the rest filled with programs, family pictures and two complete seasons of my all time favorite show, Mystery Science Theater 3000. So, the hardware dying was not a happy development. And that's a lotta data to try and transfer.

3) This one kinda takes the cake. Back in November, I switched banks and joined Wachovia. Big mistake. To start with, their policy is apparently to put holds on random deposits for new accounts for the first 90 days after the account is opened. This was a pain but at least if I knew about it, I could deal with it. The teller would inform me that my check was being held and I would grin and bear it. Now so far, besides the inconvience factor of not having my money immediately available to me(which was a BIG inconvience), the only problem was the fact that none of this was discussed with me when I opened the account. Well, the "probationary" (or whatever the hell you want to call it) period had ended so everything was peachy. So, two weeks ago, I deposit my paycheck and everything is cool, the bank teller lady doesn't say crap and I pocket my receipt and head down the road. Fast forward to to Tuesday morning. I stop and get gas and my account balance is substantially less than it should be. I get to work, go online and check things out. Apparently, I have been hit for (are you ready for this?) $280 in overdraft fees. Of course, this prompts some questions that need answering. First and foremost, what the hell? I do some "research" (I'll spare you the numerous back and forth phone call blow by blow) and come to find out that my bank does this thing where if you have had overdrafts (and I had, like two pay periods back), they will put a hold on random deposits. If that's their policy, that's fine but the pricks should have said that was their policy upfront (which they didn't). And to top it all off, the kindly teller lady mentioned NOTHING about any hold. And yes, I should have checked my receipt because I should have known to be my bank's watchdog. But I didn't and proceeded to treat it as a normal weekend in which we did the grocery shopping (and since my brother and his wife are still living with us, not a cheap thing) and took the family out for dinner. As well as other little charges going through. Which totalled $280 in fees.

For each of these situations, there was a resolution. Only one of the three was not a positive conclusion. Can you guess which one?

Here's how it shook down:

1) The very next day, Ainsley's fever was gone and she started getting better. She is almost back to normal, although she is doing the "terrible two's" dance right now, so give and take I suppose.

2) My hard drive is still covered under warranty by the retailer where I purchased it through. So I just have to pull off the data on there, put it on different drives (which two of my friends have let me borrow hard drives for this purpose) and send back to the supplier for a new one.

3) So, I fought and argued and Wachovia decided they would reimburse me. The entire $280? Well, of course not, silly. It wasn't a bank error, it was mine, didn't you know? So, how much did I get back? $70. Now, I don't know about you, but since Megan lost her job last year in March and got a job making A LOT LESS, we live paycheck to paycheck (and sometimes that isn't enough to pay all the bills). So, I really couldn't afford not to have that $210. But they didn't care. So neither should, I suppose. Hell, my mother was even prompted to vulgarity. She said prostitutes make out better than I did, sometime they even get dinner first. I love my mom. Needless, I'm moving my business elsewhere. Also needless to say, by Friday, I was ready to indulge in copious amounts of adult beverages.

So, if you take nothing else away form this blog, at least take this: steer well clear of Wachovia for your banking or finacial needs. They don't care about you and will screw you at the first opportunity.

Sorry, if this blog was not filled to the brim with more hilarity, but it's been a downer couple of weeks. I promise, I'll do better next time. So, in effort to save this one, I present for your consumption "Coming To Alderaan". Enjoy!

Ahaa!

Robbie Seay had better watch out. There's a new singer in town...

2008-03-17T12:00:00.002-05:00

I know I should feel bad about this because I'm sure this man's version was completely heartfelt.

But, I don't. Because I'm a bastard.

And seriously, don't you kinda reach a point where one of your friends grabs you, pulls you aside and says, "Man, I think this is a bad idea. You sing like a retarded Great Dane. You're just gonna embarrass yourself. Hell, you don't even know the words. Some of them you slur, some you mumble or grunt through and the rest you just make up. Come on. Besides, you know some jerk is just gonna post this on the web and across countless blogs and websites."

Oh, well.

I wanna get a video camera and start filming now...

2008-03-11T11:23:00.002-05:00

Today's dose of wackiness brought to you by the letter D and Fred and Sharon's Video Company.

Worlds Best Video Production Company - Watch more free videos

(Thanks, David Gleason [who lives in Pinehurst with a wife, Katie, and two lovely children, whose names rhyme with Kylan and Balicia and drives GMC Sierra truck and is currently hoping to become Security Manager at Reliant Park] for the head's up.)

I like good covers....

2008-03-07T08:47:00.004-06:00

One of the things I like to do is surf the web and look for new and cool stuff (I know I'm totally the only one who does that). Saw this on one of the sites I occasionally frequent and thought it was just too cool not to share. It's like I'm totally winning the internet. Have a good weekend, all peoples.

Ben Folds covering "Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service

A late follow-up which will please no one, probably...

2008-03-06T10:56:00.005-06:00

Okay, okay. I know, I didn't post anything last week. And I'm gonna upset somebody even more because I have exactly zilch to add about politics. Seriously, what more could I add? Politicians all suck, politics and the government in general are a big joke but the punchline isn't that funny (some might say like this blog) and I could completely throw some well aimed putdowns at the candidates but honestly isn't that like shooting fish in a barrel? So let's move on, shall we?

As previously mentioned, the Rodeo is in town and like the man says, this ain't my first one. But hopefully, it will be my last. Some of you who know me, may or may not know I'm currently endeavoring to change careers. I'm trying to learn the computer program AutoCAD for the purpose of drafting, specifically piping design. It's an industry that's booming and I'm trying to get my hands on some of that sweet, sweet scratch. Hopefully, I can get in the industry, get settled in, get my engineering degree and start working on my true passion in my spare time: writing, acting and film making. We'll see.

As a result, until all this goodness ends, the blogs are gonna be kinda sparse. I hope to be able throw something out there but don't expect too much. So with lowered expectations...

...keep on truckin'.

As a sidenote: It was pointed out to me by someone I respect and sincerely care for that I have gotten way too "vulgar" with these blogs. Does anyone agree? Let me know as I don't wish to turn anyone off reading this thing and sometimes I probably need to be reigned in. As always, I welcome all comments, critiques and criticisms.

Oh, and I put some new pics on my myspace page:

Clickety-click.

Taken with my spiffy new digital camera. Next time, I'll put some up on here.

Politics, schmolitics...

2008-02-22T11:30:00.002-06:00

Well, it has been a week. Seven days just completely filled it up. And I swear, each day felt like twenty-four hours long. Seriously, it was...a week.

Seriously, there weren't many opportunities this week to write. Between move-in for "The Incredible Red Neck Circle Jerk" (or Rodeo 2008 as it is more commonly called), training a new employee and just about every concievable interruption you can think of. So, only one sparkling turd of an entry this week.

This week, my mind (or what passes for it) turns to politics. Hold on and calm down, before you go off half-cocked (heh heh, "half-cocked") thinking "Here we go. Now, he begins pushing his personal politics on us", listen to me. Not so and for a couple of reasons.
One, I think all of the candidates are as about as much fun as an oral bowel movement. Couldn't care less about any of them. The only one I am even remotely interested in is Ron Paul and I don't like all of his foreign policy as it seems more suited to a pre-WWI mentality. Isolationism is not the answer. Besides, I sadly think he has less chance of getting elected than that Pauley Shore/ Carrot Top version of "Waiting For Godot" with Wombats wielding chainsaws winning 10 Oscars.
Two, my goal with this blog was not write anything too serious but keep things kinda light-hearted without alienating too many people. So, no fears, folks. If I do offend anyone by writing something they see as "picking" on their candidates, I'm sorry...but don't be so thin skinned for crying out loud. All of these people are snake oil salesmen, if you think these are geniune people you see, I once flew to the moon on the back of large talking rutabaga named "Freddy" who told me all the secrets of the universe but I'm not gonna share them with you because, ummmmm, I'm a meany. Please. While I don't doubt that every single candidate believes sincerely they have the answers to best run the country, they are still doing whatever they need to get elected, even lie to your face.
Here's my random thoughts on politics: In their current state, utterly useless. Not all the way they were intended to be. Career politician was not supposed to be an occupation. It was supposed to be more like military service.

I have to cut this short for now, but I assure I will post something more next week which will include in random order: my finishing thoughts on politics, more pop culture references, random thoughts about the different candidates, childish jokes and vulgar words, despicable acts of cruelty involving fruit, a rhyming game involving all 43 Presidents and lots of turkey slapping.

I will leave you with this one pearl: I was talking to someone who is planning on voting for Hillary and wouldn't vote for Obama because (and I had to laugh my ass off at the sheer stupidity of this comment) he wasn't "black enough". I told him this was funny (and a bit weird) on a couple of levels: A)The term "black enough" boggles my mind because who decides and what the hell does it refer to? When is one "black enough"? Is it something that is voted on by one's peers?
B)The speaker in question was white.
C)He was voting for Hillary who isn't "woman enough".
When will put aside our differences, stop getting caught up on looks and vote for the person with the highest score on "Donkey Kong". Oh well....

(And yes, that was a reference to the documentary "The King of Kong". Do yourself a favor and check it out.).

You don't have a life...

2008-02-13T10:57:00.003-06:00

Hello, perfect people.

What a fabulous Monday. Hopefully this week should go by quickly. All I can---

(Inaudible whispering)

Well, I have been informed it is in actuality Wednesday. The reason I may be confused about the day probably stems from the fact that I have been sick for the last two days. I hate being sick. And just so you know, "Going at both ends" means more than just the title of some video tape you found in a closet at your Uncle Frank's one time. Yikes. Kids, be aware of one thing: The only thing I hate more than being sick or nauseous, is playing "The Toilet Turnaround". Oy vay.

But I'm better now and ready to tackle the world. Or some reasonable facsimile thereof.

Currently, I am watching the Clemens/McNamee Congressional hearing. Fascinating stuff. I mean, seriously, this is completely fucked up. A PR nightmare for everybody. It is interesting stuff and I have to admit, I am completely sucked in. But I have one very important question: What the hell does any of this have to do with the government? I'm not trumpeting "Why aren't they more concerned with more important matters?" (although a nice side effect is that having them diverted means they can't think up new laws to enforce). But really, other than taking illegal substance, what the hell does this have to do with the governing body of the land? Needless to say, I'm so distracted, I couldn't even begin to frame a coherent blog. So, once again, my lame ass will try again tomorrow. Without the use of HGH or steroids.

Stay classy.

Fighting with myself and celebrities that aren't yet dead. Hey, it's Friday..

2008-02-08T11:26:00.000-06:00

Happy Friday!

It's just so easy to be happy on Friday. In spite of the fact that I'm at work and people were either attempting to run me off the road or flip me off and have class tomorrow and I am dog tired, I'm glad it's Friday.

So, I'm thinking today about lots of random thoughts (the hell you say, Kyle!) and one such thought was about people. The reason they do such stupid things.
Then it occurred to me: People are fundamentally stupid. They are sheep that nine times out of ten will take the path of least resistance. Hence, they do not challenge themselves. Ergo, they will not grow or evolve as humans. Vis-à-vis, I will insert more obscure and vaguely intellectually sounding words in an attempt to mask this as some philosophical lightning strike of brilliance, all the while ramping up the hyperbole.

Eureka, did I just write that? I seem to have slipped into some sort of metafictional writing style where I'm wryly commenting on my own writing. Stop it. Now. Joke's over. (Pause) Was it necessary to add the "Pause"? Dammit stop. *sigh*

Fine. Since, I seem to be unable to stop, I will press on. (Like some sort of wounded martyr, since of course this is important crap and just a fucking blog.) Hey, what the hell do you know, this is damn hard! (Asshole, I'm you. You're basically telling yourself you don't understand what you are going through. What kind of bollocks is that?) Listen, you condescending prick, it's really hard sometimes- (That's what she said) Ha-ha, that joke is definitely fresh. Steve Carrell hasn't gotten maximum usage out of it yet. Please continue. (.......)

Just like I thought, all out of jokes. Like I was saying, humans will die out as a species if they don't continue to upgrade from the previous model and this will only happen through conflict- (Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis.) What the hell? (I was continuing.) That was just retarded and slightly childish. (I know, I couldn't think of anything. You were right, it is hard to come up with stuff on the fly.) That's what I was saying. (Eh, let's call it a week. We'll start with something fresh next week.) Yeah, that sounds good but we can't just end it on such a shitty note. It's weak. (Well, come up with something pithy and witty.) I'm telling you, I got nothing. (Hmmm....)

Wait, I got it.

And now, to send you off for the weekend on the right foot, here are pictures of random celebrities that you may have thought were dead but are in fact, still alive. Enjoy!

Charlotte Rae, best known as Miss Garrett on "Diff'rent Strokes" and "The Facts of Life". And staying with the "Diff'rent Strokes" theme...

Conrad Bain, Mr. Drummond on "Diff'rent Strokes"

Sasquatch, Err, I mean Burt Reynolds *shudder*

Hal Linden of "Barney Miller" Fame

Gene Wilder

Bob Uecker "Mr. Baseball"

Alex Karras, George Papadopolis on "Webster"

And that perennial favorite to whom many websites are dedicated:

Abe Vigoda, Fish on "Barney Miller" and Sal Tessio in "The Godfather"

Gooooaaaallll.......

2008-02-06T11:22:00.000-06:00

Hey, it's soccer (or futbol for those south of the border) time! USA v. Mexico tonight at Reliant. Should be a good game.

I'm glad I won't be there.

As a result, I don't have much time today to write. But fear not, true believers, I'll make up for it tomorrow. Or the next day. Whatever.

Briefly, though, I must say with Valentine's coming up, my mind turns to the same thing everybody else does at this time of year: the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. If you don't know the full details (which would really surprise me since what else are we celebrating really), go here.

I think this year, I'll go beyond the traditional gifts of chocolate bullets or bloody, bullet-filled hearts and go for an Al Capone card. Maybe I'll do something special for the wife and take her to a garage and then beat her senseless with a baseball bat, all the time berating with talk of teamwork ala' Al Capone in the movie "The Untouchables".

Valentine's Day is such a weird holiday. I just don't understand why we are celebrating the deaths of 7 gansters in Chicago circa 1930. Oh well...

I'm lazy, like Garfield...

2008-02-05T11:27:00.000-06:00

Today is one of those days where I can barely write a thing, much less wow you with it's execution. So instead, I'll post links to some of my favorite sites.

The Houstonist - A great site for checking out the local scene in Houston. A lot of the big cities have them now. Check out if your city has one.

Cracked - A very funny site that I'm an unofficial contributor to. Funny stuff.

The Comics Curmudgeon - A funny blog that analyzes comic strips in the newspapers. There's a couple of these I read: This Week in Milford (Gil Thorp), Garfield:Permanent Monday, Marmaduke Explained, and Amazing Spider-Blog just to name a few.

The Perry Bible Fellowship - A really funny online comic strip that's slightly twisted. Just the way I like it.

That's all for today. Stay safe out there.

I think a Bangles reference regarding Mondays is too easy here...

2008-02-04T12:06:00.000-06:00

It's Monday. I'm back at work after a week off. You know what's coming next. It is really hard to get back into the "swing of things", whatever the hell that means. But really, I am playing catch up with work emails, reading pertinent things, catching up on other websites, generally twiddling my proverbial thumbs. The long and the short of it? Don't expect an entry that will light the world on fire.

Perhaps the general malaise with which I approach my job or just the fact that I can't be bothered to muster up any energy for this poopfest of crappy fecal shitty waste of raw sewage I call a job (which doesn't make any sense whatsoever, I just wanted to throw in as many poop comments into my job description as was possible. Even if it meant making them up. And no, it's not really that bad.). Eh, it's probably both and that's as much analysis as I feel like putting into it.

And yes, if you must know, I did have a fine time off work. Did I do anything? No. I'm too poor for such shenanigans. I did however enjoy catching up on my DVR recordings, playing computer games (like WoW...yes, I'm one of those people), watching movies, going here and there and generally just doing as little as possible. I wish I could have actually traveled somewhere (I need to travel in the worst possible way...and no, I don't mean in the back of a Volkswagen.) but lack of funds prevented. Except I did travel, I guess. Into the realm of my mind. Let me tell you about it.

It was a magical place, full of rainbows and unicorns. There were dancing magical and multicolored little bears, a pot of gold, pixies dressed in the flora and fauna of the pleasant temperate zone, beautiful tree people handing out my favorite food. Foods like peanut butter and elk jerky and Crystal Pepsi. It was tasty and dare I say it, the food of the gods. I danced in a meadow with Orville Reddenbacher while he fed me his savory popcorn out of a golden bowl. We made replicas of Lincoln's Log Cabin out of pretzel sticks to honor President's Day. Because there, everyday was President's Day. And while the beautiful, buxom and barely clothed tree people bathed me, rubbed me with oils scented with cinnamon and fed me hot chocolate chip cookies and a large goblet of ice cold milk, I was struck with an epiphany. A moment of clarity. True knowledge flooded my senses. The secrets of the world and the universe opened before me, saturating my being with enlightenment. The simple perfection of it all caused me to pause, begin giggling a little bit and then collapse with a contented sigh back on the pile of fluffy throw pillows on which I reclined.

I thought, "I hate my fucking job."

Have a gloriously happy Monday!

We need to have a serious talk....

2008-01-25T08:24:00.000-06:00

Welcome, friends, to another installment of this fantastic voyage through my thoughts. When I started this thing, it was the with intent to keep everyone informed/entertained with the happenings of my life and keep flexing my creative mind and writing muscle. Most times, I tend to straddle a fine line between the sacred, the profound and the profane. And some of these entries aren't for everyone, containing themes with adult language, adult content and sometimes, just good, old fashioned bestiality. I understand that and can completely appreciate it. No problem.

But today, I feel the need to address a very serious issue. Something the mainstream media is not addressing. The world at large seems to be more concerned with the conflict in the Middle East, Iraq, the crisis in Darfur and the worldwide economic slump. But this is bigger than all of those. What is this moral emergency that threatens to engulf with us with anarchy? "Pregnant gals and a mime". What's that you say? You haven't heard of this? I'm not surprised. This is something that is being under reported. Why? Well, I could say it was because of bias in the media, but I think the more likely answer is this: people don't care. And that's just sad.

How did this come to my attention, you ask? (No, I'm not putting words in your mouth. If I was, you would have said "I enjoy rubbing grape jelly all over my body, while furiously masturbating to pornographic German animation from the 1920's. Also, Kyle rocks my world and I wish I was him." That's what you would have said. Oh yeah...) Anyway, it came to my attention through that maverick icon with intestinal fortitude to tell it like it is: Jerry Springer. Yeah, the Springer. Now to be fair, I'm not entirely sure what the hell was going on for a couple of reasons: 1)I was at work and I had a lot of things to keep track of. 2)I kept flipping past it because I don't watch "Springer". Now, as a result of this, I have no idea what the show was about. I don't know if it was a mime, running around getting chicks pregnant or the dual problem of unwanted pregnancies and unwanted mimes or if it was pregnant girls who wanted a mime to help them tell their respective others the news. No clue. I just know that this is our new national emergency and it needs our attention.

Now, the real question: What can we do? A couple of things: 1)Beat the crap out of all mimes because they are all inherently bastards. 2)Warn all pregnant "gals" to stay away from mimes because they are trouble with a capital "T" (and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Pool...oh, we got trouble). 3)Teach all pregnant "gals" the joys and wonder of interpretive dance so they can express themselves without the need for a mime translator. 4)Donate money to charities. And I sense most of you will favor this last option. Therefore, I will be setting up a charity for you to feel better about yourselves. It's called "The Robot Monkey Universal Army Against Mimes Who Knock Up Gals" (or T.R.M.U.A.M.W.K.U.G). I'll set up a link for folks to donate money. For every 10 dollars donated, I will personally say something very mean about a mime. Also, for every 20 dollars donated, I will draw a picture of the mime in a VERY compromising position.

Please, let us all do what we can to combat this horrible epidemic. Besides, mimes suck.

And now, to take our minds off this horrible tragedy, one of my favorite bands: The Decemberists with their hit, "16 Military Wives".

Coughing is not as much fun as it looks like...

2008-01-23T11:30:00.000-06:00

Well, I am still battling this crap infesting my lungs. It's hard to get too enthused about much of anything while this is the case. I promise, my next blog will be one of substance. Or whatever passes for that round here. Until next time...

I'm sick, Ferris. I'm dying...

2008-01-17T13:15:00.000-06:00

I am sick. I feel like dog poopie. And I mean that in the meanest, grossest terms possible. I just wanna go home and hide in my bed. Well, first go to the doctor, get some good drugs and THEN hide in my bed.

So, nothing really worth reading here this week. No funny-funny, all sicky-sick.

The lack of a coherent theme is a a sure sign of being tired...

2008-01-11T16:48:00.000-06:00

Another day, another dollar. Friday is here. Yay. My body is sore from working out with my torture lord (I call him Marcus, affectionately of course.). So what's on my mind as I work a double yet again?

One word: Tired. And brain dead. Okay, so that's more like four words. And that's not counting the previous sentence or this one.

I'm not feeling very witty. Deal with it.

But apparently some people are reading this thing. And it has been suggested I update this thing a little more regularly. So I promise that I will try to update this thing at least once a week from here on out. We'll see....

P.S.- The coworker in question who assisted me with the tire in the previous blog ("The smell of burning rubber haunts me...")is also my friend, David Gleason. It was pointed out to me I marginalized him as a generalization by calling him "generic coworker person". That was not my intent. He is a very special person with a caring heart, a resolute and honest character and a enormous penis. If I was a girl, I would totally let him "do me". But alas ladies, he is taken. And no, he didn't totally harangue me and pester all through the last couple of days to write this since I didn't mention him and he definitely didn't feel left out. It was all me...

P.S.- This David should not be confused with the David with the video phone at the dinner, he of the "Two Girls, One Cup" (Trifecta!) video infamy.

This is the new year...

2008-01-09T11:54:00.000-06:00

And yes, the title to this entry is a Death Cab For Cutie reference. And if you aren't familiar with their body of work, shame on you. Fix this immediately.

I have the sincerest of hopes that everyone had a great holiday season and a hopeful outlook for a new year. As for myself, I'd just as soon forget about 2007. I'll frame my feelings on 2007 in the form of this analogy: Imagine 2007 like this cute chick you hook up with. She's cool, likes a lot of the same things you do, enjoys making fun of the same things you do, enjoys going out but likes hanging at home as well. Every thing's cool and you start thinking about making this a permanent thing. Maybe introducing her to family, going to functions together, thinking about a life together. And man, is she wild in bed. 2007 will fuck your socks off. She's practically insatiable. And she's into anything. ANYTHING. And this is her downfall. Because in the course of raising your freak flag, you find out hers goes higher. Much higher. Like she's one of the chicks in the aforementioned "Two Girls, One Cup" video. And she also made another "questionable" video with a horse called "The Black Stallion Rides Again". Also, she started mentioning that Hitler "wasn't all bad" or that he had "some good ideas" or "we need some strong leadership like that today". So, like any rational person, you get the fuck outta Dodge, change phone numbers, locks, email addresses anything else this crazy bitch might have as a way of contacting you. I mean, Christ, she was talking about matching tattoos, for fuck's sake. And she keeps following you. And you're scared to answer the phone or the door. But she won't stop. She's getting more and more persistent and you're freaked out because you know this crazy bitch is gonna serve you some rabbit stew or kidnap you, lock you in a basement, break your ankles with a sledgehammer and make you write a novella in which you're both together and happy with a house and fifteen kids while at the same time forcing you to watch the best of her "movies" and old Disney cartoons, thereby killing any pleasant memories you might have of childhood and Mickey. So you get a restraining order and she's complying but pushing the boundaries so that every time you make a fuss or complain, YOU'RE the one who looks crazy. You don't know where to turn, everything seems hopeless and then she assaults you with 2008, your new girlfriend, one night, threatening her with a butcher knife and then goes down in a hail of gunfire because one detective believed your crazy story and showed up just in time. And you think every thing's okay but it turns out she isn't dead yet and it turns into a life or death struggle which culminates on a rooftop with her losing her balance and falling to her death on the nearby train tracks, where she is immediately run over by a train. But when the cops go to retrieve the body, it is nowhere to be seen, causing you to keep looking over your shoulder for a very long time.

That's kinda what my 2007 was like.

Well, I already did the feat of strength, so now, the airing of grievences...

2007-12-24T11:32:00.000-06:00

Well, nothing too profound to pass along today other than it's Christmas Eve: Merry Christmas! I love this time of year. The atmosphere of miracles, and hopes and spending quality time with friends and family. I hope everyone has a good Christmas.

In regards to recent content (or lack thereof), I had a hellish week last week (ended up with 25 hours of overtime) and was just beat down. My creative level had ebbed. And I don't touch this shit on the weekends, way too much going on. I apologize to the three or four of you reading this. So, I probably won't be adding anything till the new year has started next week.

So, everyone be safe, enjoy your loved ones and remember: we are another year closer to the great robot uprising. Continue to prepare yourself.

Thursday, I don't care about you...

2007-12-13T09:40:00.000-06:00

Well, it looks to be a rather busy day today. Let's see, I'm working a 16 hour day at the stadium (due to this week's Thursday NFL game). The Mitchell Report is coming out, detailing who has used HGH and steriods. My brain is slowly melting into a puddle. People not knowing their job, people talking too much, people getting in other people's business, etc; The only positive? I am off tomorrow for the long weekend. Yay. This week, I have felt particularly uninspired, so hopefully I'll be back next week with something much more interesting to read.

Till then....

Everybody's working for the weekend...

2007-12-07T12:30:00.000-06:00

It's Friday. Yay. If I don't sound enthused, well...ehh. I did take a hit off the depression bong, but first, I work a double today. Next, the weekends seem to go so damn fast. I remember as a child, the weekends were long days of glorious freedom that stretched out for weeks. They never seemed to end. Now...? They are over before you know it. Oh well, c'est la vie (Forgive me, my French is rusty.)

But it should be another busy weekend. Clean the house up and the garage out. The house definitely needs it and the garage needs to be done in prep for my Aunt Mary's garage sale next weekend. After that, have to go Meg's work Christmas party. And then, concert down at Fitzgerald's. And Meg owes me some unfilled promises from this past week as well, so there's that too. Hopefully, I'll have some time for relaxation this weekend. We'll see.

Well, everybody have a good weekend and remember: Only you can prevent forest fires. Or other stuff. Whatever.

The smell of burning rubber haunts me...

2007-12-05T12:59:00.000-06:00

Today was one of those days (as my father has said), "I shoulda stood in bed." First off, I'm frickin' tired and sleepy. Secondly, I had a tire blowout on the freeway (always fun). I drive it about another mile, to get it somewhere safe (in this case, a Shell station) and contemplate what to do. See, I'm already riding on my spare. To make matters worse, it's at least two hours before something like a Discount Tire opens. I figure, I'll leave the truck here for an hour and a half, go get a new tire, come back and put it on and move on down the road. My brother (who is carpooling with me) goes in the gas station to inform the clerk and he comes back with "She said the parking lot's too small to leave it here, so we have to move it." As I begin to curse up a blue streak , knowing this is about to go from costly to expensive as I contemplate calling a wrecker to tow me elsewhere...a solution presents itself. Luckily, I was close to work and a coworker drives the same type of truck so he let me borrow his spare. So, problem solved for now. But I know a certain gas station chain that has lost my patronage.

Next, I get to work and it's the usual parade of ass clowns and mental midgets. From toadie contract security guards to departments not communicating with each other because we are looking for a stolen pallet that isn't stolen. It's pretty much downhill from there.

I am ready for the weekend.

One last thought....

2007-12-03T12:52:00.000-06:00

Regarding the stories I've just related, let me emphasize something again on the (slim) possibility one of the people involved in these stories actually surfs over here to read this: I would do this again. I had a good time. And I enjoyed everyone there and those I have known as friends, I still consider friends. Thanks for the memories, folks.

I wanna dip my balls in it! And other crassness...

2007-12-03T08:11:00.000-06:00

Last time I wrote, I was beginning my tale of my first dark steps into the secret and taboo world of penguin sex. Err, no, wait. Uh, fondue. Yeah, that was it. Anyhoo, I was giving out some context and relevant circumstances (Or "setting the table" as it is known in some circles.). And now, I get to the event (Or "serve the meal" as it is again known in food analogies.).

As previously stated, we were heading to a rendezvous with friends at a place called "The Melting Pot". So, I pick Megan up from work (with the requisite change of clothes) and we're on our way. First off, the moment we hit the freeway heading into town, there is traffic. Which is bizarre because it's after 6 PM and I expect all traffic to be heading out. This, in of itself, while not fun, is not horrible. The un-fun part comes from my motion sick prone wife. Already battling nausea due to sinus drainage, the constant starting and stopping of the traffic is starting to do a number on her. So as I drive and attempt to negotiate the heavy traffic as I inch my way right for our exit, I am also scoping out feasible areas to pull over so Meg can make room in her stomach for the dinner to come. Not the worst time for this to happen (Please reference the infamous "The Blair Witch Project, then pizza and a mountain drive back to camp in Pennsylvania while Meg yaks her guts out while Kyle stands, looking around anxiously, smoking a cigarette in the middle of the woods at night" story for worst time to vomit.) but certainly not the best. Luckily, nothing does happen and we get to the restaurant with no incident. And wouldn't you guess, we're the first to arrive. So, we stand outside while Megan gathers herself. Then, Craig's (the birthday boy) friend Aaron arrives and we catch up for a bit. As the reservations are for 7:30 (we had arrived at roughly 7:10) we decide to move inside the place and see if we might go ahead to the table. We are told we are the first to arrive and could we sit down in the waiting area. So we wait for a little under 10 minutes when Craig and Jillian arrive. The normal pleasantries are exchanged and then everyone begins arriving. We are taken to a cozy little area in the back and people continue to arrive (the finally party tally is 14, I think). So, it's me, Meg, Aaron, Craig, Jillian, Ranjit, Chad, Kelly, David, Mike and his girlfriend (who seemed to be a genuinely nice person but whose name escapes me), two of Jillian's friends (who I don't remember their names either) and Tom. Drink orders began going out and despite my previously listed problems, I am having a good time. This happens 97% of the time I am out with Craig because we feed off each other. There is a vibe we both exude which seems to make most nights we go out a "good night". Beyond having a good night, I am "on". In comedians parlance, I am "killing". Every joke I am chucking out is garnering laughs. And the humour is coming out effortlessly. Even our waiter acknowledges it (More on him shortly), pointing out the obvious to people already in the know. Everybody was my straight man, I'm running bits off everyone. I'm not trying to sound cocky, but it was just one of those nights, you know? Our waiter (whose name, if we ever got, I have forgotten) was an interesting individual. An early forties man who (and I'm just guessing here) was desperately into musical theatre and frustrated by the experience of constantly being turned down for roles, decided to make the best of the situation by being a waiter. He attempted comedy and with a slightly sardonic wit and dry delivery, failed miserably. For example: Aaron attempted to order a beer, asked the waiter if they had beer, the guy (we'll call him "Waiter") said "I don't know what that is.....(One Beat) Do you mean do we have Budweiser, Bud Light, Amstel Light, Sam Adams, Heinken, etc....?" And proceeded to list off every beer they offered. Wow. Another example: Tom (I think) was trying to order another beer, asking, "Can I have another beer?" at which point Waiter tersely replied "No". Fucking hi-larious. While all this is going on, it is becoming patently obvious that this group is gonna be too large for the area we are currently occupying . Cozy has become cramped. So, Waiter comes back and informs us we are moving to a new, bigger table with four fondue pots as opposed to three.

Meg and I are looking at the menu trying to decide on a course of action (which is of course, a little pricey) and we decide on the Pacific Rim entree for two. Sounds great. Somewhere, in this time, it is explained to us the process we will be following for our meal. Namely, we will be placing the meat on a fondue fork and placing it in one of the pots to cook it. See for me, my image of this thing was we would be receiving a large platter of cooked meat to dip in some obsequious pots of boiling sauce. Apparently not. Apparently the meat comes uncooked and you get the pleasure of doing it yourself. *sigh* Whatever.

Everyone chit-chats and generally has a good time. Waiter keeps coming back doing drinks, bring salads, dispensing the cheese fondue appetizer shit. And it's during this time I notice some things.

First, Aaron beats me to the punch on a joke. In a reference to the late, great (and short) MTV sketch comedy show from the 90's "The State", he says "I wanna dip my balls in it!" regarding the fondue. No one else but the two of us remember the sketch with "Louie, the guy who constantly says his catchphrase" so maybe it's better he said it than me. The skit basically consisted of the character Louie walking around at a party and as people approach him with dips, sodas or whatever, he tells them "I wanna dip my balls in it!" The skit culminates with him pulling two golf balls out of his pocket to proudly display to them. I guess you had to be there. And if I might digress for a rant for a moment: Fuck...MTV, Paramount, Viacom, whoever has the right to this series, put it out on fuckin' video already...Geez, we have other pieces of shit that these guys have released on DVD (Andy Milonakis anyone? I don't care what anyone says, that fucktard is a one note joke that's as funny as internal bleeding for a hemophiliac.). Alright, rant over. Anyways I laughed at the reference.

Next, Waiter keeps coming back and when giving me service, leaning over the table (and David) to do it. This is making David uncomfortable. This is a short trip. Let me preface this by saying I like David. I really do. There have been times when he has grated on me but generally, I like the guy. But David is homophobic. And I don't mean a casual, un-PC attitude towards gays and lesbians (because for that, I could care less). I mean, a hostile, don't touch me or I'll hit you attitude. And while I have no idea what the sexual proclivities of our server were, it was clearly making David uncomfortable. Which to me, was very funny. Now, I don't proscribe to the school of thought that someone who acts this way is a closet homosexual but with Dave, I was beginning to wonder. To combat this, he begin to act extremely antagonistic. He started to speak in that pseudo gay voice often employed on "Family Guy". He was throwing the "fag" and "faggot" insult at everybody. Every time Waiter would lean across, he would get pissy and act sarcastic. Now, I don't know if Waiter picked up on any of this...but I did, and so did Megan.

Lastly, Craig seemed to be having a good time. And that's the important part, as far as I'm concerned. And I have a good time as well, focusing most of my conversations on Ranjit, Chad, Kelly, Mike's girlfriend (I'm sorry I don't remember her name), and when he's not being obnoxious, David. I really was glad to be around these people talking since we hadn't in awhile.

And then the food arrives. Bear in mind as all courses have been distributed, they have a) explained all the spices and components involved in making the dish or fondue and b) explaining how the the whole fondue thing works. So, the entrees arrive and everyone proceeds to fix their food. And by fix, I mean fucking cook! Luckily, God bless her, my wife is right beside me and takes care of me for part of the food and I handle the the dipping in batter and frying chicken portion. And the food is great. My favorites are the teryiaki sirloin and the duck (I had never had duck before). I am in heaven. And it really is a fun experience with everyone moving around sampling different combinations with the sauces and meats. It is a very social experience much like how the French and Italians like to eat. I comment on this and Mike's girlfriend inserts that she doesn't think the French eat this way. I didn't mean the food, I meant it being such a social thing, but I end up making a joke out of it which gets me some points.

As we finished the entrees and the plates are cleared, several people decide on dessert and chocolate fondue. Other people (*ahem* David) decide it's time to get crasser. Now to be fair, the evening had already been fairly rife with loudly raucous behavior (that's normal for this crowd). Now, with full bellies, it was time to get cruder. Starting us off, David had a video on his phone which I had the misfortune to view. I refuse to describe any of it for you. Suffice to say it was titled "Two Girls, One Cup" and urge you NOT to seek out this video as that it will not serve you in any way. Remember: you cannot un-see something. Following that up was a rather robust session of some (thankfully) odorless, but loud farting. Did I mention the name of the restaurant was not T.G.I. Friday's? Fucking Philistines...

Megan and I decided to forgo dessert and just get the check (Remember I mentioned in the previous blog I had to get up early? It was already 10:30.). Ranjit insisted I have some of the dessert and so he totally twisted my arm and we had some (Besides, it was taking 500 fucking years to get us our bill.). Finally the bill gets arrive and it's...$76.58. For two people. Like I said...

We take a funny picture in which I look like I'm Pavarotti performing La Boheme and everyone goes our separate ways. It is after 11. Luckily, traffic is light as one would suspect for a Wednesday night for 11 PM. I get Meg to her job/car and we proceed to head home, arriving at our domicile a little after midnight. I am tired. We trudge upstairs and our bed has two extra occupants, two little girls who aren't sleeping well, so by proxy, I don't sleep well. Yay. I get about 4 hours of sleep and go to work. My body is visibly calling me an asshole. So I tell people my experience at work and what's the first thing (without fail) everyone says? The same thing I said when I learned what the meal consisted of.."You mean, I am basically paying to cook this meal myself?"

Exactly.

(Much love to my girl Jillian for being a sweetheart and my boy Craig. Hope you had a happy birthday, you bastard. And to everyone else who was there, I was happy to see you and hang out.)

Going out was easier when we were younger...

2007-11-30T09:09:00.000-06:00

So, Wednesday night, my wife and I travel to an interesting eatery called "The Melting Pot" to celebrate one of my closest friends' birthday. Before I continue this, here are a couple of things you, the reader, need to know.

First things first, his girlfriend was the one setting up this surprise party, but honestly I was relieved it was a somewhat normal food place. And when I say "normal", I mean "food I would eat". Because, quite frankly, I am a notoriously picky eater. I can't help it. Someone mentions Thai food and my stomach starts sinking. My friend mentions Indian food and my sphincter begins to pucker. I just don't like getting too experimental with my food. Well, my friend does. I couldn't tell you how many times we would agonize over trying to find some place to eat because he likes more exotic fare. I am the complete opposite of this. Which is kinda funny because "The Melting Pot" is anything but conventional. It is a fondue restaurant. Now as a food illiterate buffoon, the only thing I knew of fondue was melted cheese or chocolate. So, I wondered, how the fuck does one make a meal out of appetizers and dessert?

Secondly, without getting too into my personal business, I am (and have been for sometime) experiencing a very tight money situation. And when I say tight, I mean as tight as Hillary Clinton's vagina. Seriously, we have had zero extra money since circumstances caused my wife to change jobs. So, anytime we are asked to go out I am as hesitant to accept as I would be accepting an invitation to join Dick Cheney on a hunting trip (how's that for equal time political bashing?) Now this time, we actually had a little extra scratch and we're able to go. So no problems there, though I did have a little voice in the back of my head praying that dinner would not be too pricey. And I'm not announcing this so as to garner pity, just noting it's relevance to it's context later in the story.

Next, I work what I consider to be a fairly normal work schedule. Specifically, M-F 6 AM to 2 PM. Not a bad schedule considering. But what utterly sucks about it is the early start. I'm not a morning person to begin with but even worse is we live in a northwest suburban area of Houston and I work on the south side of Houston, so I have to get up really early for work. Like between 4 and 4:30 AM. Now, the restaurant where the birthday was taking place was in midtown Houston with reservations at 7:30 PM. And to top it all off, I was picking up my wife from work. Which meant that whenever this shindig ended, it was still gonna be awhile before I got home and got to bed.

Lastly, I was not feeling well. Due to a couple of days of near constant sinus drainage, I was nauseated. So was the wife. We both were not feeling tip top.

If I had my druthers, we would have stayed in. This was definitely the night for it. In fact, my brother counseled me to do this. He would have. He would have stayed home, content to relax. A couple of things prevented me from doing this: 1)Now that he has a job where he travels so much I don't see Craig (the friend in question) that much. So, when he's in town, I try to connect with him when I can. 2)Jillian (his girlfriend) had earnestly asked if we could attend, and I had said yes. 3)I hadn't seen some of the other people that were going to be there in awhile. 4)He is one of my closest, best friends and this was his birthday. As I tried to explain to my brother, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for friends. And I'm not running for sainthood or trying to win a free "Martyr" t-shirt or some such shit, sometimes friendship means going out of your way for that person you call "friend" because you know it's going to mean a lot for them. And don't get me wrong, there have been times when I haven't succumbed to that siren call of hanging out with Craig, but I generally have a good reason that I am unable to.

Now I know this sounds like this was going to be a recipe for disaster, but I think you might be surprised. To be continued...

Well, well....

2007-10-02T12:45:00.000-05:00

Formally, I was posting a blog on Myspace page exclusively. But I may shift some of that rambling crap to over here. Huzzah! Stay tuned....