Osama and Pop Tarts: In Cahoots?

This week, I'm trying an experiment. It's really more of a laziness thing. But more than anything, it's for me to get my butt in gear and do something beside mope around or brood. So here's the thing: I am gonna get a coworker to suggest a random topic and then I am gonna fling a bunch of words at and try to pass it off as funny.

First, here's how went. First, I approached two different people for two different topics. You know, give myself options. This is what I got: the difference between toaster strudels and pop tarts and are we winning the war on terror?

.....yes, I am also wanting to slap both idiots with a halibut. But I brought this on myself, so I gotta man up and put this stuff down. Or like my dad always used to say, "Son, you're an idiot and I'm sorry we adopted you."

So, I'm gonna mash them up and get...what is the difference between toaster strudels, pop tarts and the war on terror and which one is winning? (I could totally see this in some government or sociology college class as an essay question on a test. Be pretty funny to watch as the self important student taking the test head explodes like in "Scanners".)

I'll answer this as such: there is no difference and no one is winning. Except perhaps Pillsbury or Kellogg's. And maybe that's the conspiracy. The hands guiding events behind the scenes. I can easily accept some secret cabal of breakfast food characters meeting around a table, directing world events. A scene played out, something like this....

Scene: An underground bunker, deep in the bowels of the Earth. A dark, forbidding room with a large meeting table. Seated around the table sit several "beloved" characters from various breakfast foods. The Trix Rabbit, Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop, The Pillsbury Doughboy, Lucky the Leprechaun, Cap'n Crunch, Raisin Scoops Sun, Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry, Cookie Crisp Thief, Sonny the Coco Bird and the NesQuik Bunny. A meeting is underway.

Cap'n Crunch: So, we're in agreement then? We continue to slip in mind control drugs in our product?
Tony the Tiger: They'rrreee gggrrrreeeaattt!!!
Cap'n Crunch: All in favor, say 'Aye'.
(A chorus of 'Ayes' follow.)
Crunch: Opposed?
(Crickets chirp.)
Count Chocula: So, the motion is carried, awh-awh-hah.
Lucky: Aye, we'll see those wee little tossers steal me Lucky Charms. I'll just tell them to jump down a f#@$ing well. Where's me bloody drink?
Pillsbury: Hee-hee!
Lucky: Shut it, ya' bloody poofter!
Crunch: Order, order. Now, for the next piece of business-
Snap: Hold it.
Crackle: We want to discuss something.
Pop: Namely, the seating arrangements.
Crunch: Very well, what's the problem?
Snap: We want to move.
Crackle: Like somewhere else.
Pop: This seat sucks.
NesQuik Bunny: Oh, cry me a damn river. I'm stuck over here between the the junkie (gesturing at Sonny)-
Sonny: I can't help it. I'm cuckoo for Coco Puffs. I need the stuff...
NesQuik: -and this creep wants to suck on me because he thinks I'm made of chocolate or some crap...hey! Cut it out!
(Count Chocula was trying to suck his neck in classic vampire fashion)
Count Chocula: Blah-blah, I can't help it. You must be filled with chocolatey goodness.
NesQuik: I'm seriously gonna find a stake of some sort and use it on you.
Snap: Hey, we're talkin' here.
Crackle: We ain't finished yet, jerk weed.
Pop: (Pause) Err, what they said.
Trix: Does anyone else find that annoying?
Snap: Can we get back on topic here?
Crackle: We want to move.
Pop: We're sitting too close to Two Scoops here (He gestures to the Raisin Bran Sun).
Tony: Why? He's gggrrrrreeeaatttt!!
Snap: Um, yeah. Not really.
Crackle: He pulls out these raisins that go everywhere.
Pop: And I think I'm developing skin cancer due to the close proximity to the UV rays.
Snap: Also, he's melting the seat.
Crackle: Burning plastic smells like ass, you know?
Pop: And it burns your lungs, breathing this crap in.
Cookie Crisp: I don't think it's doing Pillsbury any favors either. (He gestures to the Doughboy, seated on the other side of Two Scoops.)
Pillsbury: It's true. My skin is turning a lightly brown, flaky and with a hint of butter.
Crunch: Oh is that it? I thought someone was baking pastries. Delicious and hot pastries...(He's drooling.)
Frankenberry: How is the alliance going with the Taliban?
Crunch: (Hurriedly) Uh, great, great. Al Queda too. But we'll have to table it for now. (He gets an evil look on his face) It's time for a snack break.
(All eyes turn to Pillsbury.)
Pillsbury: Uh-oh. Uh, nothing says lovin' like a hot biscuit..err, I mean, uh...oh crap.
Trix: Get his legs first, that way he can't run.
Tony: Pastry breaks are ggggrrrrrreeeaaa- (He's cut off as gets hit with a large shillelagh.)
Lucky: Oi, stuff it, ya' wanker!

As we leave this happy scene, bear in mind this: This is probably happening as we speak, so beware. Now, I'm hungry for pastries, dammit.


And now for your viewing pleasure, an out of context re-edit of one of the Presidential debates:


The Not So Presidential Debate from aaron sedlak on Vimeo