You know, I'm sitting here and I'm seeing people's best of lists and I'm like, "Dang it, I should make my own list." Yeah, that's pretty much it. Nothing too sexy. Well, there's another reason. It's an appeasement tactic. See, I used to blog on my myspace page. I was writing a series of blogs chronicling what I thought was my picks for the 100 greatest albums of all time. Well, I never finished it. And now, my cousin, who was reading it, has given me grief about not finishing the list yet. I may eventually transfer it over here and finish it up. So in lieu of that for now, I present to you my Christmas gift and end of the year wrap up:
My 10 Best Albums of 2008. Enjoy.
10) "Oracular Spectacular" - MGMT
This is a great album. Electropop indie rock, this album gets started with "Time to Pretend" and just doesn't let up until "Future Reflections". At times sounding like some mash up of Pink Floyd and MUSE by way of the Secret Machines, it wears it's Synthpop label proudly.
9) "The Bedlam in Goliath" - The Mars Volta
I love The Mars Volta. Very eclectic, mixing a lot of different styles, this album just pounds. While "De-Loused in the Comatorium" is still easily their best album, this might be a contender for second best.
8) "Hold On Now, Youngster..." - Los Campesinos!
First heard these guys on their EP "Sticking Fingers Into Sockets", which I fell in love with. Imagine my delight at finely getting and hearing their full album. If your a fan of Architecture In Helsinki or just fun music, then give them a listen.
7) "HAARP" - MUSE
I love, love, love MUSE. One of my favorites bands. And normally, I would probably not do a live album of previously released material. But MUSE is one of the best live bands I have ever heard. They literally rocked my face off. If you haven't had the pleasure, this may be the closest you get.
BONUS: It comes with a DVD of two Wembley Stadium concerts in London which many considered the live event of the year.
6) "Vampire Weekend" - Vampire Weekend
I really dig these guys. They've got a pop sensibility that reminds me of the early Beatles. They are a cool, fun group.
5) "Age of the Understatement" - The Last Shadow Puppets
When you've got the mixture of Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys, Mile Kane of The Little Flames and the Rascals, James Ford of Simian Mobile Disco, the London Metropolitan Orchestra and Owen Pallett of the Arcade Fire, it's something I want to check out. And in this case, it is worth checking out.
4) "Radio Retaliation - Thievery Corporation
Another one of my favorite bands. These guys have taken music to dizzying heights. Blending different styles together to create great, very chilled music. And they don't disappoint here.
A side note: Saw these guys at ACL Fest two years ago. Fantastic. They put on such a good show.
3) "Acid Tongue" - Jenny Lewis
I have been a fan of Jenny Lewis with her band Rilo Kiley and in her incarnation with the Watson Twins. This album is a little jazzy, a little bluesy but really cool. Jenny Lewis has a great voice, a little smoky, a little sexy, very enticing.
2) "Narrow Stairs" - Death Cab For Cutie
This was tough. This one almost got the top spot. I can't help it, I love Death Cab. Or any of Ben Gibbard's side projects. And this one has it's share of great songs, from the dark, troubling beauty of "I Will Possess Your Heart" to "The Ice Is Getting Thinner". A complete album. Unfairly or not, I guess the deciding factor is this just isn't my favorite album from them (that honor going to 2003's "Transalanticism"). And now the top album of 2008 (in my opinion of course, and let's face it, you're reading my list so my opinion is all that matters...)
1) "Fleet Foxes" - Fleet Foxes
This is my top album of 2008. Hands down. A journey into baroque pop and indie folk. Like the best elements of the Beach Boys, Animal Collective and My Morning Jacket, it flows into your ears like some choral syrup. Like hot chocolate for your soul on a cold winter's night. Do yourself a favor and check it out.
Honorable mentions that almost made it:
"At Mount Zoomer" - Wolf Parade
"All or Nothing" - The Subways
"The Stand Ins" - Okkervil River
"Innerpartysystem" - Innerpartysystem
"The Red Album" - Weezer
"One Day As A Lion" - One Day As A Lion
"Off With Their Heads" - Kaiser Chiefs
"Perfect Symmetry" - Keane
"Intimacy" - Bloc Party
Happy 2009 Everyone!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Osama and Pop Tarts: In Cahoots?
This week, I'm trying an experiment. It's really more of a laziness thing. But more than anything, it's for me to get my butt in gear and do something beside mope around or brood. So here's the thing: I am gonna get a coworker to suggest a random topic and then I am gonna fling a bunch of words at and try to pass it off as funny.
First, here's how went. First, I approached two different people for two different topics. You know, give myself options. This is what I got: the difference between toaster strudels and pop tarts and are we winning the war on terror?
.....yes, I am also wanting to slap both idiots with a halibut. But I brought this on myself, so I gotta man up and put this stuff down. Or like my dad always used to say, "Son, you're an idiot and I'm sorry we adopted you."
So, I'm gonna mash them up and get...what is the difference between toaster strudels, pop tarts and the war on terror and which one is winning? (I could totally see this in some government or sociology college class as an essay question on a test. Be pretty funny to watch as the self important student taking the test head explodes like in "Scanners".)
I'll answer this as such: there is no difference and no one is winning. Except perhaps Pillsbury or Kellogg's. And maybe that's the conspiracy. The hands guiding events behind the scenes. I can easily accept some secret cabal of breakfast food characters meeting around a table, directing world events. A scene played out, something like this....
Scene: An underground bunker, deep in the bowels of the Earth. A dark, forbidding room with a large meeting table. Seated around the table sit several "beloved" characters from various breakfast foods. The Trix Rabbit, Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop, The Pillsbury Doughboy, Lucky the Leprechaun, Cap'n Crunch, Raisin Scoops Sun, Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry, Cookie Crisp Thief, Sonny the Coco Bird and the NesQuik Bunny. A meeting is underway.
Cap'n Crunch: So, we're in agreement then? We continue to slip in mind control drugs in our product?
Tony the Tiger: They'rrreee gggrrrreeeaattt!!!
Cap'n Crunch: All in favor, say 'Aye'.
(A chorus of 'Ayes' follow.)
Crunch: Opposed?
(Crickets chirp.)
Count Chocula: So, the motion is carried, awh-awh-hah.
Lucky: Aye, we'll see those wee little tossers steal me Lucky Charms. I'll just tell them to jump down a f#@$ing well. Where's me bloody drink?
Pillsbury: Hee-hee!
Lucky: Shut it, ya' bloody poofter!
Crunch: Order, order. Now, for the next piece of business-
Snap: Hold it.
Crackle: We want to discuss something.
Pop: Namely, the seating arrangements.
Crunch: Very well, what's the problem?
Snap: We want to move.
Crackle: Like somewhere else.
Pop: This seat sucks.
NesQuik Bunny: Oh, cry me a damn river. I'm stuck over here between the the junkie (gesturing at Sonny)-
Sonny: I can't help it. I'm cuckoo for Coco Puffs. I need the stuff...
NesQuik: -and this creep wants to suck on me because he thinks I'm made of chocolate or some crap...hey! Cut it out!
(Count Chocula was trying to suck his neck in classic vampire fashion)
Count Chocula: Blah-blah, I can't help it. You must be filled with chocolatey goodness.
NesQuik: I'm seriously gonna find a stake of some sort and use it on you.
Snap: Hey, we're talkin' here.
Crackle: We ain't finished yet, jerk weed.
Pop: (Pause) Err, what they said.
Trix: Does anyone else find that annoying?
Snap: Can we get back on topic here?
Crackle: We want to move.
Pop: We're sitting too close to Two Scoops here (He gestures to the Raisin Bran Sun).
Tony: Why? He's gggrrrrreeeaatttt!!
Snap: Um, yeah. Not really.
Crackle: He pulls out these raisins that go everywhere.
Pop: And I think I'm developing skin cancer due to the close proximity to the UV rays.
Snap: Also, he's melting the seat.
Crackle: Burning plastic smells like ass, you know?
Pop: And it burns your lungs, breathing this crap in.
Cookie Crisp: I don't think it's doing Pillsbury any favors either. (He gestures to the Doughboy, seated on the other side of Two Scoops.)
Pillsbury: It's true. My skin is turning a lightly brown, flaky and with a hint of butter.
Crunch: Oh is that it? I thought someone was baking pastries. Delicious and hot pastries...(He's drooling.)
Frankenberry: How is the alliance going with the Taliban?
Crunch: (Hurriedly) Uh, great, great. Al Queda too. But we'll have to table it for now. (He gets an evil look on his face) It's time for a snack break.
(All eyes turn to Pillsbury.)
Pillsbury: Uh-oh. Uh, nothing says lovin' like a hot biscuit..err, I mean, uh...oh crap.
Trix: Get his legs first, that way he can't run.
Tony: Pastry breaks are ggggrrrrrreeeaaa- (He's cut off as gets hit with a large shillelagh.)
Lucky: Oi, stuff it, ya' wanker!
As we leave this happy scene, bear in mind this: This is probably happening as we speak, so beware. Now, I'm hungry for pastries, dammit.
And now for your viewing pleasure, an out of context re-edit of one of the Presidential debates:
The Not So Presidential Debate from aaron sedlak on Vimeo
First, here's how went. First, I approached two different people for two different topics. You know, give myself options. This is what I got: the difference between toaster strudels and pop tarts and are we winning the war on terror?
.....yes, I am also wanting to slap both idiots with a halibut. But I brought this on myself, so I gotta man up and put this stuff down. Or like my dad always used to say, "Son, you're an idiot and I'm sorry we adopted you."
So, I'm gonna mash them up and get...what is the difference between toaster strudels, pop tarts and the war on terror and which one is winning? (I could totally see this in some government or sociology college class as an essay question on a test. Be pretty funny to watch as the self important student taking the test head explodes like in "Scanners".)
I'll answer this as such: there is no difference and no one is winning. Except perhaps Pillsbury or Kellogg's. And maybe that's the conspiracy. The hands guiding events behind the scenes. I can easily accept some secret cabal of breakfast food characters meeting around a table, directing world events. A scene played out, something like this....
Scene: An underground bunker, deep in the bowels of the Earth. A dark, forbidding room with a large meeting table. Seated around the table sit several "beloved" characters from various breakfast foods. The Trix Rabbit, Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop, The Pillsbury Doughboy, Lucky the Leprechaun, Cap'n Crunch, Raisin Scoops Sun, Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry, Cookie Crisp Thief, Sonny the Coco Bird and the NesQuik Bunny. A meeting is underway.
Cap'n Crunch: So, we're in agreement then? We continue to slip in mind control drugs in our product?
Tony the Tiger: They'rrreee gggrrrreeeaattt!!!
Cap'n Crunch: All in favor, say 'Aye'.
(A chorus of 'Ayes' follow.)
Crunch: Opposed?
(Crickets chirp.)
Count Chocula: So, the motion is carried, awh-awh-hah.
Lucky: Aye, we'll see those wee little tossers steal me Lucky Charms. I'll just tell them to jump down a f#@$ing well. Where's me bloody drink?
Pillsbury: Hee-hee!
Lucky: Shut it, ya' bloody poofter!
Crunch: Order, order. Now, for the next piece of business-
Snap: Hold it.
Crackle: We want to discuss something.
Pop: Namely, the seating arrangements.
Crunch: Very well, what's the problem?
Snap: We want to move.
Crackle: Like somewhere else.
Pop: This seat sucks.
NesQuik Bunny: Oh, cry me a damn river. I'm stuck over here between the the junkie (gesturing at Sonny)-
Sonny: I can't help it. I'm cuckoo for Coco Puffs. I need the stuff...
NesQuik: -and this creep wants to suck on me because he thinks I'm made of chocolate or some crap...hey! Cut it out!
(Count Chocula was trying to suck his neck in classic vampire fashion)
Count Chocula: Blah-blah, I can't help it. You must be filled with chocolatey goodness.
NesQuik: I'm seriously gonna find a stake of some sort and use it on you.
Snap: Hey, we're talkin' here.
Crackle: We ain't finished yet, jerk weed.
Pop: (Pause) Err, what they said.
Trix: Does anyone else find that annoying?
Snap: Can we get back on topic here?
Crackle: We want to move.
Pop: We're sitting too close to Two Scoops here (He gestures to the Raisin Bran Sun).
Tony: Why? He's gggrrrrreeeaatttt!!
Snap: Um, yeah. Not really.
Crackle: He pulls out these raisins that go everywhere.
Pop: And I think I'm developing skin cancer due to the close proximity to the UV rays.
Snap: Also, he's melting the seat.
Crackle: Burning plastic smells like ass, you know?
Pop: And it burns your lungs, breathing this crap in.
Cookie Crisp: I don't think it's doing Pillsbury any favors either. (He gestures to the Doughboy, seated on the other side of Two Scoops.)
Pillsbury: It's true. My skin is turning a lightly brown, flaky and with a hint of butter.
Crunch: Oh is that it? I thought someone was baking pastries. Delicious and hot pastries...(He's drooling.)
Frankenberry: How is the alliance going with the Taliban?
Crunch: (Hurriedly) Uh, great, great. Al Queda too. But we'll have to table it for now. (He gets an evil look on his face) It's time for a snack break.
(All eyes turn to Pillsbury.)
Pillsbury: Uh-oh. Uh, nothing says lovin' like a hot biscuit..err, I mean, uh...oh crap.
Trix: Get his legs first, that way he can't run.
Tony: Pastry breaks are ggggrrrrrreeeaaa- (He's cut off as gets hit with a large shillelagh.)
Lucky: Oi, stuff it, ya' wanker!
As we leave this happy scene, bear in mind this: This is probably happening as we speak, so beware. Now, I'm hungry for pastries, dammit.
And now for your viewing pleasure, an out of context re-edit of one of the Presidential debates:
The Not So Presidential Debate from aaron sedlak on Vimeo
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
And now a brief word regarding this rather lengthy intermission...
Hey peeps, how is it hanging? Well, I'm sure most of you who read this thing (and you know who you are) have been wondering if this thing would ever have any new entries. Well, I have an answer for you. And that definite and defiant answer is this: probably. I'm gonna let that soak in.
....
Has it soaked in yet? Good, I...oh it hasn't? I thought...alright, I'll wait some more.
....
Is this gonna take long? Do I have anything better to do? *indignant sputtering* Well, of course I...how dare you, sir (or madam)? I've got so much going on...I can't believe you would even ask such a stupid...no, I have nothing better to do, I suppose. *sigh*
Alright, continuing on. You may be asking what the impetus is for such a momentous occasion. A couple of things, actually. First, the overwhelming desire to write has been beating me about the ears with a tuna fish for some time now. The itch has grown and I need to scratch it. Or rub some aloe vera on it. Also, as been stated in these very pages and by other people who have a vested interest in my welfare (i.e. friends and family), I need to keep writing. Even if it's just a form of therapy. But probably more to the point, the whole situation that prevented me from writing (at least on a mental level, if not emotional) may finally, blessedly be coming to an end, for better or for worse. Which has had the benefit of freeing up my head to engage once again in the insane zaniness to which it is accustomed.
So, I guess it took a natural disaster to knock me out of my general malaise regarding this thing. But when the Gulf Coast/Houston area takes a pounding from an Ike and our name isn't Tina, it causes you to re-examine things, I suppose. And yes, that last line was just an excuse to throw in a Ike-Tina joke. But I've been holding on to those one-liners since I found out Ike was heading here and dammit, I was gonna use one eventually.
So, I'm back, baby. I guess like Ari Gold would say, "Let's hug it out, bitch."
....
Has it soaked in yet? Good, I...oh it hasn't? I thought...alright, I'll wait some more.
....
Is this gonna take long? Do I have anything better to do? *indignant sputtering* Well, of course I...how dare you, sir (or madam)? I've got so much going on...I can't believe you would even ask such a stupid...no, I have nothing better to do, I suppose. *sigh*
Alright, continuing on. You may be asking what the impetus is for such a momentous occasion. A couple of things, actually. First, the overwhelming desire to write has been beating me about the ears with a tuna fish for some time now. The itch has grown and I need to scratch it. Or rub some aloe vera on it. Also, as been stated in these very pages and by other people who have a vested interest in my welfare (i.e. friends and family), I need to keep writing. Even if it's just a form of therapy. But probably more to the point, the whole situation that prevented me from writing (at least on a mental level, if not emotional) may finally, blessedly be coming to an end, for better or for worse. Which has had the benefit of freeing up my head to engage once again in the insane zaniness to which it is accustomed.
So, I guess it took a natural disaster to knock me out of my general malaise regarding this thing. But when the Gulf Coast/Houston area takes a pounding from an Ike and our name isn't Tina, it causes you to re-examine things, I suppose. And yes, that last line was just an excuse to throw in a Ike-Tina joke. But I've been holding on to those one-liners since I found out Ike was heading here and dammit, I was gonna use one eventually.
So, I'm back, baby. I guess like Ari Gold would say, "Let's hug it out, bitch."
Monday, July 21, 2008
The funny has been gone lately...
To the couple of you who read this, I'm sorry I haven't been writing. There has been a lot of stress occupying my personal life lately and it has literally sucked the inspiration to write, er, right out of me. One day, I may or may not reveal everything that is going on at some point down the line as it would probably be a good story and illustrate the importance of faith, leaning on your friends and family and a general appreciation of your life and the things we all take for granted. This entry isn't quite "A Very Special Episode" territory yet. But it has the potential. All I'll say is if you are the praying type, please keep me and the family in your prayers. If you're not, think kindly of us or whatever it is you do.
Having said all of that, I hope to begin contributing more insanity to the world again on a regular basis. School is ending and a new job is hopefully looming on the horizon, so hopefully soon, the Robot Monkey will be flinging cybernetic fecal matter in your direction.
Having said all of that, I hope to begin contributing more insanity to the world again on a regular basis. School is ending and a new job is hopefully looming on the horizon, so hopefully soon, the Robot Monkey will be flinging cybernetic fecal matter in your direction.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I get confused, remake Star Wars and Peyton Manning should not raise your kids...
Yup, it's that time again. Punch a chicken, slap a monkey and help an old lady across the street. Your venerable time waster returns with another exciting installment of "Tales of Sweaty, Shirtless Men in Heat"...
In our last installment, Rock Brannigan was just discovering his true feelings for Bucky during a strenous wrestling match. A very private session indeed. Their bodies, glistening with sweat, were entwined in...
Err, hang on a tic. I think this is the wrong blog. Crap...
Hey, welcome back to "My Struggles With Garden Gnomes", a blog dedicated to taking care of your garden and my trials and tribulations with garden gnomes.
Hmm, no....
This week on "Llama Love", I discuss proper grooming techniques and the best date spots in Argentina.
Uhm, wait...
Hi, and thanks for reading "Josef Stalin is my baby daddy"...
Sorry, I've got way too many irons in the fire. I get confused easily.
I was watching previews for coming movies recently and saw a trailer for "Get Smart". Now normally, I despise most remakes like I hate "reality" television. But this one may have some things in it's favor. It actually looks funny and it has Steve Carrel, which is a 95% chance that it will be a good movie. But I could be wrong. It wouldn't necessarily be the first time.
Let's face it though. The entertainment landscape is littered with failures that were supposed to be remakes, T.V. and movies. It would actually be easier to name the projects that were successful rather than the failures. In T.V., you've had shows like Battlestar Galactica, The Office and Doctor Who (which is not technically a remake). In movies, you've had Ocean's Eleven, The Departed and Mission:Impossible (I really had to think hard for successes or even good movies). Has Hollywood really come up that short on original ideas? (Answer: yes) The best it can do are sequels, remakes, formulaic crap directly off the Spin-a-Story Mix-n-Match Wheel (Patent Pending) or big fluffy blockbusters, filled with explosions and CGI effects (something I like to call the "Michael Bay Effect")? (Answer: yes again)
C'mon, Hollywood, the only things that should be remade are failures. Like say you have a movie with a good idea but poor execution. Maybe a sci-fi movie with crappy special effects, remade today utilizing the advances in special effect tech. I don't know.
Tell you what, let me know (all 5 of you reading this): If you could remake any movie, what would it be and why? Get as specific or as general as you want. I'm interested to see what other folks say. I'll even start it off.
The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Episodes 1-3
Yes, I know this isn't an old movie and veering into geek territory here, but I had to call "Crap" on this one.
*Spoiler Alert*
Let me get this straight: Anakin Skywalker turns to the Dark Side suddenly (and rather abruptly, I might add) because he's afraid his wife will die? Lucas, c'mon, are you kidding me? You totally mailed it in on this. That is the lamest reason ever. There was so much wrong with the whole prequel trilogy but Anakin's journey to becoming Darth Vader was the absolute worst. This sweet natured kid in "The Phantom Menace" goes to becoming a sullen, rebellious bastard in "Attack of The Clones" after being raised essentially by an order of monks (the Jedi)? What? There was an easy fix for this. Allow me to share my idea.
First, in Episode 1, don't have Anakin go up into space and save the day. Keep him on the ground and let him witness the lightsaber duel with Darth Maul. Let him see Liam Neeson get killed, Obi-Wan beaten and Darth Maul escaping. Thus, you establish a reason for revenge and an even more insidious decent into the Dark Side.
Next, in Episode 2, the movie can remain the same except change the ending slightly. Instead of Dooku being the main villian, make it Maul again. The fight would go essentially the same except Anakin would be getting his ass handed to him but would start tapping into that hate and anger towards Maul and would start putting up a serious fight before pulling back, realizing he was slipping towards the Dark Side.
Lastly, in Episode 3, Anakin would be all conflicted about his drift to the Dark Side until about halfway through the film when he would again be fighting Maul, this time in front of Emperor Palpatine (in a scene eerily similiar to the climactic duel with Vader and Luke in "Return of The Jedi"). He would again be struggling until deciding to make the decision to go to the Dark Side and kill Maul, which he does. This would be a nice juxtaposition with the latter scene in "Return", making it that more poignant and redemptive when Luke decides not to follow the path his father took.
That's the type of remake I would do.
Oh and one final thought: In "Revenge of The Sith", the Jedi, the supreme badasses of the universe that can handle ANYTHING, are surprised by these clone troops turning on them and killing them. You mean the same guys who because the Force have a spider-sense about when danger is coming? Who can sense emotions or intents? Really? Surprised? All killed except for Yoda? Besides, I thought Vader hunted them all down and killed them? Oh well, geek rant over.
And I meant to post this weeks ago, right before the NFL draft but couldn't find it. Well, here it is now: one of the funniest commercials ever on SNL.
Peyton Manning United Way SNL
In our last installment, Rock Brannigan was just discovering his true feelings for Bucky during a strenous wrestling match. A very private session indeed. Their bodies, glistening with sweat, were entwined in...
Err, hang on a tic. I think this is the wrong blog. Crap...
Hey, welcome back to "My Struggles With Garden Gnomes", a blog dedicated to taking care of your garden and my trials and tribulations with garden gnomes.
Hmm, no....
This week on "Llama Love", I discuss proper grooming techniques and the best date spots in Argentina.
Uhm, wait...
Hi, and thanks for reading "Josef Stalin is my baby daddy"...
Sorry, I've got way too many irons in the fire. I get confused easily.
I was watching previews for coming movies recently and saw a trailer for "Get Smart". Now normally, I despise most remakes like I hate "reality" television. But this one may have some things in it's favor. It actually looks funny and it has Steve Carrel, which is a 95% chance that it will be a good movie. But I could be wrong. It wouldn't necessarily be the first time.
Let's face it though. The entertainment landscape is littered with failures that were supposed to be remakes, T.V. and movies. It would actually be easier to name the projects that were successful rather than the failures. In T.V., you've had shows like Battlestar Galactica, The Office and Doctor Who (which is not technically a remake). In movies, you've had Ocean's Eleven, The Departed and Mission:Impossible (I really had to think hard for successes or even good movies). Has Hollywood really come up that short on original ideas? (Answer: yes) The best it can do are sequels, remakes, formulaic crap directly off the Spin-a-Story Mix-n-Match Wheel (Patent Pending) or big fluffy blockbusters, filled with explosions and CGI effects (something I like to call the "Michael Bay Effect")? (Answer: yes again)
C'mon, Hollywood, the only things that should be remade are failures. Like say you have a movie with a good idea but poor execution. Maybe a sci-fi movie with crappy special effects, remade today utilizing the advances in special effect tech. I don't know.
Tell you what, let me know (all 5 of you reading this): If you could remake any movie, what would it be and why? Get as specific or as general as you want. I'm interested to see what other folks say. I'll even start it off.
The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Episodes 1-3
Yes, I know this isn't an old movie and veering into geek territory here, but I had to call "Crap" on this one.
*Spoiler Alert*
Let me get this straight: Anakin Skywalker turns to the Dark Side suddenly (and rather abruptly, I might add) because he's afraid his wife will die? Lucas, c'mon, are you kidding me? You totally mailed it in on this. That is the lamest reason ever. There was so much wrong with the whole prequel trilogy but Anakin's journey to becoming Darth Vader was the absolute worst. This sweet natured kid in "The Phantom Menace" goes to becoming a sullen, rebellious bastard in "Attack of The Clones" after being raised essentially by an order of monks (the Jedi)? What? There was an easy fix for this. Allow me to share my idea.
First, in Episode 1, don't have Anakin go up into space and save the day. Keep him on the ground and let him witness the lightsaber duel with Darth Maul. Let him see Liam Neeson get killed, Obi-Wan beaten and Darth Maul escaping. Thus, you establish a reason for revenge and an even more insidious decent into the Dark Side.
Next, in Episode 2, the movie can remain the same except change the ending slightly. Instead of Dooku being the main villian, make it Maul again. The fight would go essentially the same except Anakin would be getting his ass handed to him but would start tapping into that hate and anger towards Maul and would start putting up a serious fight before pulling back, realizing he was slipping towards the Dark Side.
Lastly, in Episode 3, Anakin would be all conflicted about his drift to the Dark Side until about halfway through the film when he would again be fighting Maul, this time in front of Emperor Palpatine (in a scene eerily similiar to the climactic duel with Vader and Luke in "Return of The Jedi"). He would again be struggling until deciding to make the decision to go to the Dark Side and kill Maul, which he does. This would be a nice juxtaposition with the latter scene in "Return", making it that more poignant and redemptive when Luke decides not to follow the path his father took.
That's the type of remake I would do.
Oh and one final thought: In "Revenge of The Sith", the Jedi, the supreme badasses of the universe that can handle ANYTHING, are surprised by these clone troops turning on them and killing them. You mean the same guys who because the Force have a spider-sense about when danger is coming? Who can sense emotions or intents? Really? Surprised? All killed except for Yoda? Besides, I thought Vader hunted them all down and killed them? Oh well, geek rant over.
And I meant to post this weeks ago, right before the NFL draft but couldn't find it. Well, here it is now: one of the funniest commercials ever on SNL.
Peyton Manning United Way SNL
Monday, May 12, 2008
Mothers...and Harry Caray
From the farthest reaches of your imagination and the limits of your moral frontier, here I am to scratch you behind the ears. I hope all is well in your personal hemisphere.
Well, after a week being held captive to the whims and desires of power mad oil magnates and depraved desert sheiks, my great ordeal is over. Or as we like to say around here, "OTC has ended." I won't bore you with specifics, suffice to say OTC is a four day Oil and Technology Conference held here where I work every year. And now it's over. And that's all I have to say about that.
Needless to say, it's been a fairly uneventful time. Which can be a good or bad thing, depending on your viewpoint.
Mother's Day came and went and a good time was had by all. Even me and it is a holiday I usually loathe. Now, before everyone picks up the pitchfork and decides to try and burn down the windmill I'm hiding in, let me clarify. I'm all about moms. I love moms. I have several, including the one that birthed me that still dotes on me. Hell, I married one (I mean, she wasn't one when we got married or anything but I certainly made her one a year later...Hu-wah!). Anyhoo, I don't even have anything against honoring them. The Bible tells us do it, all of us are born (or have it nurtured) with that connection from mother to child. What I hate is the idea of a holiday celebrating it.
(I said to put the damn pitchforks down. Yes, I'm talking to you.)
First, I hate any holiday of this ilk? What ilk, you ask? It's a woodland bovine creature with huge antlers. Haha, silly rabbit, I kid you.
I lump Father's Day, Valentine's Day, Grandparent's Day, Veteran's Day, etc; Any holiday you are mandated to celebrate some idea like this I detest. Unless it is something celebrating a specific event or thing or person, it is a lazy person's built-in escape clause. Don't appreciate your mom for making that trip out of the way, at the last minute, in the bad weather to get that thing you really need for whatever bullshit is important at the moment? Hey, give her a flower on Mother's Day, that'll cover you. Want to tell your dad you appreciate the sacrifices he made in his personal life to provide a better life for you? Buy him a crappy tie one day a year and he'll be filled with a sense of pride that he's doing the right thing. You really love that you significant other and want to make them feel really special? Take 'em out on a date one night a year and paint the town red. You'll be in like Flynn.
These holidays are like getting absolution for your sins for an entire year. I know this isn't applicable to everyone and that's great. But I'd be willing to bet it's true for more people than you think. And that's the reason I hate these holidays. And yes, I partake in them too but I think about these other things as well. My point is don't get sucked into the hoopla of honoring the people in your lives on just one day a year or once in awhile. Make it a more regular thing. That's true appreciation.
Alright, sermon over. Now, hardcore nudity!
...okay, maybe not. But I will tell you what my wife and I did for Mom Day. I leave it up to her. It's her day, whatever she wants to do. So what does she suggest? She wants wings and beer. Blew my mind a little but I roll very casual like so I'm definitely cool with it. Besides, it's her day right? So we go to BW3's, have wings and a beer or two then go see "Iron Man" (which wasn't a bad popcorn movie that appealed to my comic book sensibilities). Had a great time. That's it, nothing really crazy. Funny post script: As we're leaving the theater, I realize we sat and watched the entire movie seated right next to old friends we hadn't seen in like 8 years. So we visit with them for an hour and a half afterwards. Crazy, man.
And now, one of the only good things to come out of SNL since the legendary group of the 1990's, Will Ferrell as one of my favorite characters of his.
"If the moon was made of spare ribs, would you eat it?" Classic stuff.
And remember: Today is "Pick Your Nose And Massage a Wombat For World Peace Day". Don't forget to get a cake and kick a porcupine, because that's what a wombat would want you to do.
Well, after a week being held captive to the whims and desires of power mad oil magnates and depraved desert sheiks, my great ordeal is over. Or as we like to say around here, "OTC has ended." I won't bore you with specifics, suffice to say OTC is a four day Oil and Technology Conference held here where I work every year. And now it's over. And that's all I have to say about that.
Needless to say, it's been a fairly uneventful time. Which can be a good or bad thing, depending on your viewpoint.
Mother's Day came and went and a good time was had by all. Even me and it is a holiday I usually loathe. Now, before everyone picks up the pitchfork and decides to try and burn down the windmill I'm hiding in, let me clarify. I'm all about moms. I love moms. I have several, including the one that birthed me that still dotes on me. Hell, I married one (I mean, she wasn't one when we got married or anything but I certainly made her one a year later...Hu-wah!). Anyhoo, I don't even have anything against honoring them. The Bible tells us do it, all of us are born (or have it nurtured) with that connection from mother to child. What I hate is the idea of a holiday celebrating it.
(I said to put the damn pitchforks down. Yes, I'm talking to you.)
First, I hate any holiday of this ilk? What ilk, you ask? It's a woodland bovine creature with huge antlers. Haha, silly rabbit, I kid you.
I lump Father's Day, Valentine's Day, Grandparent's Day, Veteran's Day, etc; Any holiday you are mandated to celebrate some idea like this I detest. Unless it is something celebrating a specific event or thing or person, it is a lazy person's built-in escape clause. Don't appreciate your mom for making that trip out of the way, at the last minute, in the bad weather to get that thing you really need for whatever bullshit is important at the moment? Hey, give her a flower on Mother's Day, that'll cover you. Want to tell your dad you appreciate the sacrifices he made in his personal life to provide a better life for you? Buy him a crappy tie one day a year and he'll be filled with a sense of pride that he's doing the right thing. You really love that you significant other and want to make them feel really special? Take 'em out on a date one night a year and paint the town red. You'll be in like Flynn.
These holidays are like getting absolution for your sins for an entire year. I know this isn't applicable to everyone and that's great. But I'd be willing to bet it's true for more people than you think. And that's the reason I hate these holidays. And yes, I partake in them too but I think about these other things as well. My point is don't get sucked into the hoopla of honoring the people in your lives on just one day a year or once in awhile. Make it a more regular thing. That's true appreciation.
Alright, sermon over. Now, hardcore nudity!
...okay, maybe not. But I will tell you what my wife and I did for Mom Day. I leave it up to her. It's her day, whatever she wants to do. So what does she suggest? She wants wings and beer. Blew my mind a little but I roll very casual like so I'm definitely cool with it. Besides, it's her day right? So we go to BW3's, have wings and a beer or two then go see "Iron Man" (which wasn't a bad popcorn movie that appealed to my comic book sensibilities). Had a great time. That's it, nothing really crazy. Funny post script: As we're leaving the theater, I realize we sat and watched the entire movie seated right next to old friends we hadn't seen in like 8 years. So we visit with them for an hour and a half afterwards. Crazy, man.
And now, one of the only good things to come out of SNL since the legendary group of the 1990's, Will Ferrell as one of my favorite characters of his.
"If the moon was made of spare ribs, would you eat it?" Classic stuff.
And remember: Today is "Pick Your Nose And Massage a Wombat For World Peace Day". Don't forget to get a cake and kick a porcupine, because that's what a wombat would want you to do.
Friday, May 2, 2008
It's a party and the Breakfast Club...
So, it's Friday, I have two more weeks of class after tonite, a big shindig on Saturday and the rest of the weekend. Suffice to say, I am ready for the weekend. So, hopefully I will come back next week with debauched tales of depraved activity, copious amounts of alcohol and brilliant recitations of Longfellow's "Song of Hiawatha". Enjoy yourself and I promise on Roger Clemen's honor and integrity to have a new and brilliant blog entry next week.
Well, new at least.
And to tide you over, a funny little clip involving many of your favorite cereal characters. A bit of warning: there is some adult language and a little bit of drug references.
Well, new at least.
And to tide you over, a funny little clip involving many of your favorite cereal characters. A bit of warning: there is some adult language and a little bit of drug references.
See more funny videos at CollegeHumor
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I, Robot Monkey...and Solomon Grundy..
I copied this idea from Liz: (who in turn copied it from somebody else so I guess this can be traced to a guy somewhere in Nigeria). Thanks for allowing me to make a lazy entry today, Lizard.
i am: at work, valiantly fending off the overwhelming tide of boredom.
i think: we would all better off if all of life's problems could be solved by the Kool-Aid Man busting through the walls and yelling "OH YEAH!"
i know: that I can be very infantile 98% of the time
i want: I want a new job that will completely provide for my family
i have: too much I want to do and not enough time to do it in
i wish: I had better focus so that I could take better advantage of all my downtime
i hate: stupid and selfish emotions
i miss: my friends
i fear: not realizing my full potential and wallowing in mediocrity
i feel: tired, but full of excitement
i hear: "Manna" by Rogue Wave
i smell: only the grossly obnoxious odor of the inside of my own nose (being stopped up sucks)
i crave: a pint of Guinness and a plate of fish and chips
i search: constantly for new experiences, whether it be music, movies, events or people
i wonder: will I ever fully realize my dreams
i regret: not making the most of some early opportunities in my life
i love: spending time with friends and family and entertaining the hell out of them
i ache: every time I turn on the news (which is all to often lately) and hear about more crimes committed against children
i care: about all the little things and the big things too
i always: have to respond to things with what passes for "witty" with me
i am not: weak
i believe: we need to be constantly learning and that when we stop, we cease to grow as humans
i dance: only when my wife begs me to
i sing: all the time and fantasize that I am performing for a large audience
i don’t always:
i fight: with the inane stupidity of most Americans on a daily basis
i write: blogs, novels I never finish, poetry, daily action reports. You know, the usual
i win: lose, or draw.
i lose: time. And my head.
i never: eat sushi. (Okay, I had to steal this one from Liz, as I utterly detest sushi)
i confuse: my political parties because honestly, they both seem the same to me either way
i listen: to sports radio talk shows more than I should (but I'm too much of a freakin' sports junkie)
i can usually be found: in front of my computer or in my truck
i am scared: roaches. Those damn things make me cry like a little baby.
i need: more money and a career that provides job fulfillment
i am happy about: the utterly silliness of life
You?
And with that, I sign off for an extended weekend (yay.) as I celebrate my birthday this weekend. And if anyone is in the H-Town area next weekend, we are having a shindig for my birthday (some people were not gonna be available this weekend [..uhm, Ashley...])on Saturday (May 3). So if your interested, give me a yell and I'll give you the pertinent info.
And now, to leave you with the obligatory odd video: a commercial for Cartoon Network from awhile back. The Injustice League in "Whiners can be losers." Enjoy. Because Solomon Grundy wants pants, too.
i am: at work, valiantly fending off the overwhelming tide of boredom.
i think: we would all better off if all of life's problems could be solved by the Kool-Aid Man busting through the walls and yelling "OH YEAH!"
i know: that I can be very infantile 98% of the time
i want: I want a new job that will completely provide for my family
i have: too much I want to do and not enough time to do it in
i wish: I had better focus so that I could take better advantage of all my downtime
i hate: stupid and selfish emotions
i miss: my friends
i fear: not realizing my full potential and wallowing in mediocrity
i feel: tired, but full of excitement
i hear: "Manna" by Rogue Wave
i smell: only the grossly obnoxious odor of the inside of my own nose (being stopped up sucks)
i crave: a pint of Guinness and a plate of fish and chips
i search: constantly for new experiences, whether it be music, movies, events or people
i wonder: will I ever fully realize my dreams
i regret: not making the most of some early opportunities in my life
i love: spending time with friends and family and entertaining the hell out of them
i ache: every time I turn on the news (which is all to often lately) and hear about more crimes committed against children
i care: about all the little things and the big things too
i always: have to respond to things with what passes for "witty" with me
i am not: weak
i believe: we need to be constantly learning and that when we stop, we cease to grow as humans
i dance: only when my wife begs me to
i sing: all the time and fantasize that I am performing for a large audience
i don’t always:
i fight: with the inane stupidity of most Americans on a daily basis
i write: blogs, novels I never finish, poetry, daily action reports. You know, the usual
i win: lose, or draw.
i lose: time. And my head.
i never: eat sushi. (Okay, I had to steal this one from Liz, as I utterly detest sushi)
i confuse: my political parties because honestly, they both seem the same to me either way
i listen: to sports radio talk shows more than I should (but I'm too much of a freakin' sports junkie)
i can usually be found: in front of my computer or in my truck
i am scared: roaches. Those damn things make me cry like a little baby.
i need: more money and a career that provides job fulfillment
i am happy about: the utterly silliness of life
You?
And with that, I sign off for an extended weekend (yay.) as I celebrate my birthday this weekend. And if anyone is in the H-Town area next weekend, we are having a shindig for my birthday (some people were not gonna be available this weekend [..uhm, Ashley...])on Saturday (May 3). So if your interested, give me a yell and I'll give you the pertinent info.
And now, to leave you with the obligatory odd video: a commercial for Cartoon Network from awhile back. The Injustice League in "Whiners can be losers." Enjoy. Because Solomon Grundy wants pants, too.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Because it's Tuesday...
...and I have no time to actually write an honest-to-goodness blog, I will just post some videos. Cause that's how my lazy ass rolls.
From a couple of years ago, this is called "LARPing". I call it "guaranteeing your virgin status". Funny stuff.
Lightning Bolt!
My favorite fake trailer. Imagine if you will, the cinematic classic "The Ten Commandments" remade today as a romantic teen comedy. With Samuel L. Jackson.
Here's a clip from a Bush press conference you may have not seen. Because THEY didn't want you to.
One of my favorite moments from "The Office"(U.S.). Jim and Dwight imitate each other. This is a great show. If you aren't watching it, you must have head trauma. Or a life, I suppose. *sigh*
Now with subtitles!
And now, music time:
First up, a great band sure to put a smile on your face. At least they do me.
I'm From Barcelona - "Collection of Stamps"
I'm From Barcelona - "We're From Barcelona"
Sufjan Stevens - "Chicago" (While not really video, this is a great song by one of my all time favorite artists)
Next posting should be more the usual thing. Good day.
From a couple of years ago, this is called "LARPing". I call it "guaranteeing your virgin status". Funny stuff.
Lightning Bolt!
My favorite fake trailer. Imagine if you will, the cinematic classic "The Ten Commandments" remade today as a romantic teen comedy. With Samuel L. Jackson.
Here's a clip from a Bush press conference you may have not seen. Because THEY didn't want you to.
One of my favorite moments from "The Office"(U.S.). Jim and Dwight imitate each other. This is a great show. If you aren't watching it, you must have head trauma. Or a life, I suppose. *sigh*
Now with subtitles!
And now, music time:
First up, a great band sure to put a smile on your face. At least they do me.
I'm From Barcelona - "Collection of Stamps"
I'm From Barcelona - "We're From Barcelona"
Sufjan Stevens - "Chicago" (While not really video, this is a great song by one of my all time favorite artists)
Next posting should be more the usual thing. Good day.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A good time had by all, I guess...
Yes, it's Thursday and the majority of this blog is about this past weekend. I'm slow, what can I see. First, some updates for the previous entry (see Bittersweet Return):
A)The bank situation. Not merely content with screwing me once, Wachovia comes back for sloppy seconds. I get hit with more overdraft charges for things that should have gone through 4 or 5 days to a week prior. Which left me with a negative balance. It smelled funny and I never could get a satisfactory answer from anyone with Wachovia. And wouldn't you know it, I had just enabled direct deposit. But due to the time I discovered my account problem, it was too late for me to cancel my direct deposit. So, I went down to Wachovia Friday morning and withdrew everything from my account. I wanted to do this first before closing my account because honestly I didn't want them to attempt some sort of shennanigans with my money or give me grief. But, of course, because I did this and apparently whoever their system admin or bank computer programmer is (I'm assuming it's the same 8 year old child, which could be an unintended insult to 8 year olds everywhere), there was a problem closing out the account. It took me like 15 or 20 minutes for a trip that should have been only 5 minutes. So, if I can reiterate again: if the time comes and you have to make a banking choice between a blind chimpanzee with rabies or Wachovia, go with the blind, rabid chimp, it's definitely the safer bet. Oh and our final banking destination? We went with Capitol One. Meg and I got a good vibe with them (they were honest and upfront with us, which was a definite upgrade). I'll keep you posted on how things work out with them.
B) The hard drive issue. Needless to say, there are lots of things I'm gonna have to leave unsaid about this one at the risk of hurting some feelings with people who may or may not read this thing. Suffice to say, the hard drive cratered before I was actually able to pull anything off it. So over 400 GB of data are gone. All my music, movies, family pictures, some writing, and my detailed catalog of my movie library on DVD (Don't laugh, I have almost 2000 movies and television series collected.). Gone. On the bright side, I got my replacement hard drive yesterday. Yay.
Now, onwards. This weekend my good friend (and godfather to my kids) Marcus, came over for an evening of video games, movies, adult beverages and good food. I played Assassin's Creed (which is a hell of a fun game)and BioShock (another great game). We drank a nice amount of adult beverages, had a great dinner and watched "No Country For Old Men". It was a great movie, beautifully shot, with great characters that drew you in. And yes, the ending is a bit...unexpected (and no, I don't mean it has some sort of M. Night Shyamalan twist ending) but I don't believe it detracted from the film in any way. I highly recommend it. One of the first films in awhile (excluding "The Departed", which also deserved it) that got the "Best Picture Oscar" and deserved it.
Then, Marcus went home and everyone except my sister-in-law and myself went to bed. I wanted to watch another movie, so I fired up "Pathfinder". I thought, "This one has to be kinda good. I mean c'mon, it's gotten Indians and Vikings. Swords, action, one of the guys from 'Lord Of The Rings'." Now, I'm gonna chalk it up to the aforementioned beverages because I was feeling pretty good. But it took until almost the halfway point of the movie when I was struck by an epiphany. I stopped, looked at Jamie and said, "Oh my god. This is a BAD movie. Dammit." The "Dammit" was because I was to the halfway point and I knew was going to have to now sit through the rest, just to finish it. I was too much invested in this steaming pile of celluloid to just quit now. Now, I know some of you would have no problem just picking up the remote and turning it off. But not me. I'm too obsessive to an almost masochistic extent. I have to watch to see the end. Whether it be the morbid fascination we usually attribute to watching a car wreck or wanting to see if there is something to the film, some redeeming quality or just that natural tendency to have any story left unfinished, I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's an amalgam of all these things and more. I just know, at that point I had to finish the stupid thing. Which I did. And I was still left feeling unfulfilled. Oh well.
That's all for now, folks. But mark your calenders as a very important date is approaching. Namely April 26. Or as it is known in parts of the world, "The Celebration of the Day of Birth of Sir Kyle Robot-Monkey." Yes, bee-yotches, it's my birthday so plan accordingly.
And because life can be so confusing sometimes, I present this well viewed video of the infamous Miss South Carolina...with subtitles! Enjoy.
A)The bank situation. Not merely content with screwing me once, Wachovia comes back for sloppy seconds. I get hit with more overdraft charges for things that should have gone through 4 or 5 days to a week prior. Which left me with a negative balance. It smelled funny and I never could get a satisfactory answer from anyone with Wachovia. And wouldn't you know it, I had just enabled direct deposit. But due to the time I discovered my account problem, it was too late for me to cancel my direct deposit. So, I went down to Wachovia Friday morning and withdrew everything from my account. I wanted to do this first before closing my account because honestly I didn't want them to attempt some sort of shennanigans with my money or give me grief. But, of course, because I did this and apparently whoever their system admin or bank computer programmer is (I'm assuming it's the same 8 year old child, which could be an unintended insult to 8 year olds everywhere), there was a problem closing out the account. It took me like 15 or 20 minutes for a trip that should have been only 5 minutes. So, if I can reiterate again: if the time comes and you have to make a banking choice between a blind chimpanzee with rabies or Wachovia, go with the blind, rabid chimp, it's definitely the safer bet. Oh and our final banking destination? We went with Capitol One. Meg and I got a good vibe with them (they were honest and upfront with us, which was a definite upgrade). I'll keep you posted on how things work out with them.
B) The hard drive issue. Needless to say, there are lots of things I'm gonna have to leave unsaid about this one at the risk of hurting some feelings with people who may or may not read this thing. Suffice to say, the hard drive cratered before I was actually able to pull anything off it. So over 400 GB of data are gone. All my music, movies, family pictures, some writing, and my detailed catalog of my movie library on DVD (Don't laugh, I have almost 2000 movies and television series collected.). Gone. On the bright side, I got my replacement hard drive yesterday. Yay.
Now, onwards. This weekend my good friend (and godfather to my kids) Marcus, came over for an evening of video games, movies, adult beverages and good food. I played Assassin's Creed (which is a hell of a fun game)and BioShock (another great game). We drank a nice amount of adult beverages, had a great dinner and watched "No Country For Old Men". It was a great movie, beautifully shot, with great characters that drew you in. And yes, the ending is a bit...unexpected (and no, I don't mean it has some sort of M. Night Shyamalan twist ending) but I don't believe it detracted from the film in any way. I highly recommend it. One of the first films in awhile (excluding "The Departed", which also deserved it) that got the "Best Picture Oscar" and deserved it.
Then, Marcus went home and everyone except my sister-in-law and myself went to bed. I wanted to watch another movie, so I fired up "Pathfinder". I thought, "This one has to be kinda good. I mean c'mon, it's gotten Indians and Vikings. Swords, action, one of the guys from 'Lord Of The Rings'." Now, I'm gonna chalk it up to the aforementioned beverages because I was feeling pretty good. But it took until almost the halfway point of the movie when I was struck by an epiphany. I stopped, looked at Jamie and said, "Oh my god. This is a BAD movie. Dammit." The "Dammit" was because I was to the halfway point and I knew was going to have to now sit through the rest, just to finish it. I was too much invested in this steaming pile of celluloid to just quit now. Now, I know some of you would have no problem just picking up the remote and turning it off. But not me. I'm too obsessive to an almost masochistic extent. I have to watch to see the end. Whether it be the morbid fascination we usually attribute to watching a car wreck or wanting to see if there is something to the film, some redeeming quality or just that natural tendency to have any story left unfinished, I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's an amalgam of all these things and more. I just know, at that point I had to finish the stupid thing. Which I did. And I was still left feeling unfulfilled. Oh well.
That's all for now, folks. But mark your calenders as a very important date is approaching. Namely April 26. Or as it is known in parts of the world, "The Celebration of the Day of Birth of Sir Kyle Robot-Monkey." Yes, bee-yotches, it's my birthday so plan accordingly.
And because life can be so confusing sometimes, I present this well viewed video of the infamous Miss South Carolina...with subtitles! Enjoy.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
A bittersweet return...
I know it's been over a month since last I posted (excluding the videos I posted), so in advance, I'm sorry. But you can stop judging me with your holier-than-thou attitude, okay? I saw you, sitting on your couch, eating chocolate bon-bons, watching your "stories". Sitting there in your "Power Ranger" under roos, with Cheeto-stained bathrobe, scratching your butt, awash in your own filth.
...Oh, that wasn't you? Well, who the hell's house was I standing outside of? Well, that will probably be another restraining order. Moving on, it's good to be back in the saddle like Heath Ledger on Jake Gyllenhal. The horse people and sheep molesters finished their big wingding and moved on and then some NCAA regional action and I just had nothing to say. Well, that's kinda still the case. Except it's not. Like last week.
Last week was, for the most part, normal. Except for three kinda big things. I will now proceed to list them. As follows:
1) My youngest, Ainsley (2 years)got really sick due to a sinus infection. When I mean sick, I mean continous coughing, being irritable and high fever. It got so bad with her fever getting as high as 104.4, which almost meant an ER visit. And since she was not feeling good, she was sharing our bed. Needless to say, not much sleep was gotten all the way around.
2) My computer hard drive decided it was time to die. My 500 GB hard drive. My 500 GB hard drive that is almost filled up with 330 GB's of MP3s, and the rest filled with programs, family pictures and two complete seasons of my all time favorite show, Mystery Science Theater 3000. So, the hardware dying was not a happy development. And that's a lotta data to try and transfer.
3) This one kinda takes the cake. Back in November, I switched banks and joined Wachovia. Big mistake. To start with, their policy is apparently to put holds on random deposits for new accounts for the first 90 days after the account is opened. This was a pain but at least if I knew about it, I could deal with it. The teller would inform me that my check was being held and I would grin and bear it. Now so far, besides the inconvience factor of not having my money immediately available to me(which was a BIG inconvience), the only problem was the fact that none of this was discussed with me when I opened the account. Well, the "probationary" (or whatever the hell you want to call it) period had ended so everything was peachy. So, two weeks ago, I deposit my paycheck and everything is cool, the bank teller lady doesn't say crap and I pocket my receipt and head down the road. Fast forward to to Tuesday morning. I stop and get gas and my account balance is substantially less than it should be. I get to work, go online and check things out. Apparently, I have been hit for (are you ready for this?) $280 in overdraft fees. Of course, this prompts some questions that need answering. First and foremost, what the hell? I do some "research" (I'll spare you the numerous back and forth phone call blow by blow) and come to find out that my bank does this thing where if you have had overdrafts (and I had, like two pay periods back), they will put a hold on random deposits. If that's their policy, that's fine but the pricks should have said that was their policy upfront (which they didn't). And to top it all off, the kindly teller lady mentioned NOTHING about any hold. And yes, I should have checked my receipt because I should have known to be my bank's watchdog. But I didn't and proceeded to treat it as a normal weekend in which we did the grocery shopping (and since my brother and his wife are still living with us, not a cheap thing) and took the family out for dinner. As well as other little charges going through. Which totalled $280 in fees.
For each of these situations, there was a resolution. Only one of the three was not a positive conclusion. Can you guess which one?
Here's how it shook down:
1) The very next day, Ainsley's fever was gone and she started getting better. She is almost back to normal, although she is doing the "terrible two's" dance right now, so give and take I suppose.
2) My hard drive is still covered under warranty by the retailer where I purchased it through. So I just have to pull off the data on there, put it on different drives (which two of my friends have let me borrow hard drives for this purpose) and send back to the supplier for a new one.
3) So, I fought and argued and Wachovia decided they would reimburse me. The entire $280? Well, of course not, silly. It wasn't a bank error, it was mine, didn't you know? So, how much did I get back? $70. Now, I don't know about you, but since Megan lost her job last year in March and got a job making A LOT LESS, we live paycheck to paycheck (and sometimes that isn't enough to pay all the bills). So, I really couldn't afford not to have that $210. But they didn't care. So neither should, I suppose. Hell, my mother was even prompted to vulgarity. She said prostitutes make out better than I did, sometime they even get dinner first. I love my mom. Needless, I'm moving my business elsewhere. Also needless to say, by Friday, I was ready to indulge in copious amounts of adult beverages.
So, if you take nothing else away form this blog, at least take this: steer well clear of Wachovia for your banking or finacial needs. They don't care about you and will screw you at the first opportunity.
Sorry, if this blog was not filled to the brim with more hilarity, but it's been a downer couple of weeks. I promise, I'll do better next time. So, in effort to save this one, I present for your consumption "Coming To Alderaan". Enjoy!
Ahaa!
...Oh, that wasn't you? Well, who the hell's house was I standing outside of? Well, that will probably be another restraining order. Moving on, it's good to be back in the saddle like Heath Ledger on Jake Gyllenhal. The horse people and sheep molesters finished their big wingding and moved on and then some NCAA regional action and I just had nothing to say. Well, that's kinda still the case. Except it's not. Like last week.
Last week was, for the most part, normal. Except for three kinda big things. I will now proceed to list them. As follows:
1) My youngest, Ainsley (2 years)got really sick due to a sinus infection. When I mean sick, I mean continous coughing, being irritable and high fever. It got so bad with her fever getting as high as 104.4, which almost meant an ER visit. And since she was not feeling good, she was sharing our bed. Needless to say, not much sleep was gotten all the way around.
2) My computer hard drive decided it was time to die. My 500 GB hard drive. My 500 GB hard drive that is almost filled up with 330 GB's of MP3s, and the rest filled with programs, family pictures and two complete seasons of my all time favorite show, Mystery Science Theater 3000. So, the hardware dying was not a happy development. And that's a lotta data to try and transfer.
3) This one kinda takes the cake. Back in November, I switched banks and joined Wachovia. Big mistake. To start with, their policy is apparently to put holds on random deposits for new accounts for the first 90 days after the account is opened. This was a pain but at least if I knew about it, I could deal with it. The teller would inform me that my check was being held and I would grin and bear it. Now so far, besides the inconvience factor of not having my money immediately available to me(which was a BIG inconvience), the only problem was the fact that none of this was discussed with me when I opened the account. Well, the "probationary" (or whatever the hell you want to call it) period had ended so everything was peachy. So, two weeks ago, I deposit my paycheck and everything is cool, the bank teller lady doesn't say crap and I pocket my receipt and head down the road. Fast forward to to Tuesday morning. I stop and get gas and my account balance is substantially less than it should be. I get to work, go online and check things out. Apparently, I have been hit for (are you ready for this?) $280 in overdraft fees. Of course, this prompts some questions that need answering. First and foremost, what the hell? I do some "research" (I'll spare you the numerous back and forth phone call blow by blow) and come to find out that my bank does this thing where if you have had overdrafts (and I had, like two pay periods back), they will put a hold on random deposits. If that's their policy, that's fine but the pricks should have said that was their policy upfront (which they didn't). And to top it all off, the kindly teller lady mentioned NOTHING about any hold. And yes, I should have checked my receipt because I should have known to be my bank's watchdog. But I didn't and proceeded to treat it as a normal weekend in which we did the grocery shopping (and since my brother and his wife are still living with us, not a cheap thing) and took the family out for dinner. As well as other little charges going through. Which totalled $280 in fees.
For each of these situations, there was a resolution. Only one of the three was not a positive conclusion. Can you guess which one?
Here's how it shook down:
1) The very next day, Ainsley's fever was gone and she started getting better. She is almost back to normal, although she is doing the "terrible two's" dance right now, so give and take I suppose.
2) My hard drive is still covered under warranty by the retailer where I purchased it through. So I just have to pull off the data on there, put it on different drives (which two of my friends have let me borrow hard drives for this purpose) and send back to the supplier for a new one.
3) So, I fought and argued and Wachovia decided they would reimburse me. The entire $280? Well, of course not, silly. It wasn't a bank error, it was mine, didn't you know? So, how much did I get back? $70. Now, I don't know about you, but since Megan lost her job last year in March and got a job making A LOT LESS, we live paycheck to paycheck (and sometimes that isn't enough to pay all the bills). So, I really couldn't afford not to have that $210. But they didn't care. So neither should, I suppose. Hell, my mother was even prompted to vulgarity. She said prostitutes make out better than I did, sometime they even get dinner first. I love my mom. Needless, I'm moving my business elsewhere. Also needless to say, by Friday, I was ready to indulge in copious amounts of adult beverages.
So, if you take nothing else away form this blog, at least take this: steer well clear of Wachovia for your banking or finacial needs. They don't care about you and will screw you at the first opportunity.
Sorry, if this blog was not filled to the brim with more hilarity, but it's been a downer couple of weeks. I promise, I'll do better next time. So, in effort to save this one, I present for your consumption "Coming To Alderaan". Enjoy!
Ahaa!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Robbie Seay had better watch out. There's a new singer in town...
I know I should feel bad about this because I'm sure this man's version was completely heartfelt.
But, I don't. Because I'm a bastard.
And seriously, don't you kinda reach a point where one of your friends grabs you, pulls you aside and says, "Man, I think this is a bad idea. You sing like a retarded Great Dane. You're just gonna embarrass yourself. Hell, you don't even know the words. Some of them you slur, some you mumble or grunt through and the rest you just make up. Come on. Besides, you know some jerk is just gonna post this on the web and across countless blogs and websites."
Oh, well.
But, I don't. Because I'm a bastard.
And seriously, don't you kinda reach a point where one of your friends grabs you, pulls you aside and says, "Man, I think this is a bad idea. You sing like a retarded Great Dane. You're just gonna embarrass yourself. Hell, you don't even know the words. Some of them you slur, some you mumble or grunt through and the rest you just make up. Come on. Besides, you know some jerk is just gonna post this on the web and across countless blogs and websites."
Oh, well.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I wanna get a video camera and start filming now...
Today's dose of wackiness brought to you by the letter D and Fred and Sharon's Video Company.
Worlds Best Video Production Company - Watch more free videos
(Thanks, David Gleason [who lives in Pinehurst with a wife, Katie, and two lovely children, whose names rhyme with Kylan and Balicia and drives GMC Sierra truck and is currently hoping to become Security Manager at Reliant Park] for the head's up.)
Worlds Best Video Production Company - Watch more free videos
(Thanks, David Gleason [who lives in Pinehurst with a wife, Katie, and two lovely children, whose names rhyme with Kylan and Balicia and drives GMC Sierra truck and is currently hoping to become Security Manager at Reliant Park] for the head's up.)
Friday, March 7, 2008
I like good covers....
One of the things I like to do is surf the web and look for new and cool stuff (I know I'm totally the only one who does that). Saw this on one of the sites I occasionally frequent and thought it was just too cool not to share. It's like I'm totally winning the internet. Have a good weekend, all peoples.
Ben Folds covering "Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service
Ben Folds covering "Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service
Thursday, March 6, 2008
A late follow-up which will please no one, probably...
Okay, okay. I know, I didn't post anything last week. And I'm gonna upset somebody even more because I have exactly zilch to add about politics. Seriously, what more could I add? Politicians all suck, politics and the government in general are a big joke but the punchline isn't that funny (some might say like this blog) and I could completely throw some well aimed putdowns at the candidates but honestly isn't that like shooting fish in a barrel? So let's move on, shall we?
As previously mentioned, the Rodeo is in town and like the man says, this ain't my first one. But hopefully, it will be my last. Some of you who know me, may or may not know I'm currently endeavoring to change careers. I'm trying to learn the computer program AutoCAD for the purpose of drafting, specifically piping design. It's an industry that's booming and I'm trying to get my hands on some of that sweet, sweet scratch. Hopefully, I can get in the industry, get settled in, get my engineering degree and start working on my true passion in my spare time: writing, acting and film making. We'll see.
As a result, until all this goodness ends, the blogs are gonna be kinda sparse. I hope to be able throw something out there but don't expect too much. So with lowered expectations...
...keep on truckin'.
As a sidenote: It was pointed out to me by someone I respect and sincerely care for that I have gotten way too "vulgar" with these blogs. Does anyone agree? Let me know as I don't wish to turn anyone off reading this thing and sometimes I probably need to be reigned in. As always, I welcome all comments, critiques and criticisms.
Oh, and I put some new pics on my myspace page:
Clickety-click.
Taken with my spiffy new digital camera. Next time, I'll put some up on here.
As previously mentioned, the Rodeo is in town and like the man says, this ain't my first one. But hopefully, it will be my last. Some of you who know me, may or may not know I'm currently endeavoring to change careers. I'm trying to learn the computer program AutoCAD for the purpose of drafting, specifically piping design. It's an industry that's booming and I'm trying to get my hands on some of that sweet, sweet scratch. Hopefully, I can get in the industry, get settled in, get my engineering degree and start working on my true passion in my spare time: writing, acting and film making. We'll see.
As a result, until all this goodness ends, the blogs are gonna be kinda sparse. I hope to be able throw something out there but don't expect too much. So with lowered expectations...
...keep on truckin'.
As a sidenote: It was pointed out to me by someone I respect and sincerely care for that I have gotten way too "vulgar" with these blogs. Does anyone agree? Let me know as I don't wish to turn anyone off reading this thing and sometimes I probably need to be reigned in. As always, I welcome all comments, critiques and criticisms.
Oh, and I put some new pics on my myspace page:
Clickety-click.
Taken with my spiffy new digital camera. Next time, I'll put some up on here.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Politics, schmolitics...
Well, it has been a week. Seven days just completely filled it up. And I swear, each day felt like twenty-four hours long. Seriously, it was...a week.
Seriously, there weren't many opportunities this week to write. Between move-in for "The Incredible Red Neck Circle Jerk" (or Rodeo 2008 as it is more commonly called), training a new employee and just about every concievable interruption you can think of. So, only one sparkling turd of an entry this week.
This week, my mind (or what passes for it) turns to politics. Hold on and calm down, before you go off half-cocked (heh heh, "half-cocked") thinking "Here we go. Now, he begins pushing his personal politics on us", listen to me. Not so and for a couple of reasons.
One, I think all of the candidates are as about as much fun as an oral bowel movement. Couldn't care less about any of them. The only one I am even remotely interested in is Ron Paul and I don't like all of his foreign policy as it seems more suited to a pre-WWI mentality. Isolationism is not the answer. Besides, I sadly think he has less chance of getting elected than that Pauley Shore/ Carrot Top version of "Waiting For Godot" with Wombats wielding chainsaws winning 10 Oscars.
Two, my goal with this blog was not write anything too serious but keep things kinda light-hearted without alienating too many people. So, no fears, folks. If I do offend anyone by writing something they see as "picking" on their candidates, I'm sorry...but don't be so thin skinned for crying out loud. All of these people are snake oil salesmen, if you think these are geniune people you see, I once flew to the moon on the back of large talking rutabaga named "Freddy" who told me all the secrets of the universe but I'm not gonna share them with you because, ummmmm, I'm a meany. Please. While I don't doubt that every single candidate believes sincerely they have the answers to best run the country, they are still doing whatever they need to get elected, even lie to your face.
Here's my random thoughts on politics: In their current state, utterly useless. Not all the way they were intended to be. Career politician was not supposed to be an occupation. It was supposed to be more like military service.
I have to cut this short for now, but I assure I will post something more next week which will include in random order: my finishing thoughts on politics, more pop culture references, random thoughts about the different candidates, childish jokes and vulgar words, despicable acts of cruelty involving fruit, a rhyming game involving all 43 Presidents and lots of turkey slapping.
I will leave you with this one pearl: I was talking to someone who is planning on voting for Hillary and wouldn't vote for Obama because (and I had to laugh my ass off at the sheer stupidity of this comment) he wasn't "black enough". I told him this was funny (and a bit weird) on a couple of levels: A)The term "black enough" boggles my mind because who decides and what the hell does it refer to? When is one "black enough"? Is it something that is voted on by one's peers?
B)The speaker in question was white.
C)He was voting for Hillary who isn't "woman enough".
When will put aside our differences, stop getting caught up on looks and vote for the person with the highest score on "Donkey Kong". Oh well....
(And yes, that was a reference to the documentary "The King of Kong". Do yourself a favor and check it out.).
Seriously, there weren't many opportunities this week to write. Between move-in for "The Incredible Red Neck Circle Jerk" (or Rodeo 2008 as it is more commonly called), training a new employee and just about every concievable interruption you can think of. So, only one sparkling turd of an entry this week.
This week, my mind (or what passes for it) turns to politics. Hold on and calm down, before you go off half-cocked (heh heh, "half-cocked") thinking "Here we go. Now, he begins pushing his personal politics on us", listen to me. Not so and for a couple of reasons.
One, I think all of the candidates are as about as much fun as an oral bowel movement. Couldn't care less about any of them. The only one I am even remotely interested in is Ron Paul and I don't like all of his foreign policy as it seems more suited to a pre-WWI mentality. Isolationism is not the answer. Besides, I sadly think he has less chance of getting elected than that Pauley Shore/ Carrot Top version of "Waiting For Godot" with Wombats wielding chainsaws winning 10 Oscars.
Two, my goal with this blog was not write anything too serious but keep things kinda light-hearted without alienating too many people. So, no fears, folks. If I do offend anyone by writing something they see as "picking" on their candidates, I'm sorry...but don't be so thin skinned for crying out loud. All of these people are snake oil salesmen, if you think these are geniune people you see, I once flew to the moon on the back of large talking rutabaga named "Freddy" who told me all the secrets of the universe but I'm not gonna share them with you because, ummmmm, I'm a meany. Please. While I don't doubt that every single candidate believes sincerely they have the answers to best run the country, they are still doing whatever they need to get elected, even lie to your face.
Here's my random thoughts on politics: In their current state, utterly useless. Not all the way they were intended to be. Career politician was not supposed to be an occupation. It was supposed to be more like military service.
I have to cut this short for now, but I assure I will post something more next week which will include in random order: my finishing thoughts on politics, more pop culture references, random thoughts about the different candidates, childish jokes and vulgar words, despicable acts of cruelty involving fruit, a rhyming game involving all 43 Presidents and lots of turkey slapping.
I will leave you with this one pearl: I was talking to someone who is planning on voting for Hillary and wouldn't vote for Obama because (and I had to laugh my ass off at the sheer stupidity of this comment) he wasn't "black enough". I told him this was funny (and a bit weird) on a couple of levels: A)The term "black enough" boggles my mind because who decides and what the hell does it refer to? When is one "black enough"? Is it something that is voted on by one's peers?
B)The speaker in question was white.
C)He was voting for Hillary who isn't "woman enough".
When will put aside our differences, stop getting caught up on looks and vote for the person with the highest score on "Donkey Kong". Oh well....
(And yes, that was a reference to the documentary "The King of Kong". Do yourself a favor and check it out.).
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
You don't have a life...
Hello, perfect people.
What a fabulous Monday. Hopefully this week should go by quickly. All I can---
(Inaudible whispering)
Well, I have been informed it is in actuality Wednesday. The reason I may be confused about the day probably stems from the fact that I have been sick for the last two days. I hate being sick. And just so you know, "Going at both ends" means more than just the title of some video tape you found in a closet at your Uncle Frank's one time. Yikes. Kids, be aware of one thing: The only thing I hate more than being sick or nauseous, is playing "The Toilet Turnaround". Oy vay.
But I'm better now and ready to tackle the world. Or some reasonable facsimile thereof.
Currently, I am watching the Clemens/McNamee Congressional hearing. Fascinating stuff. I mean, seriously, this is completely fucked up. A PR nightmare for everybody. It is interesting stuff and I have to admit, I am completely sucked in. But I have one very important question: What the hell does any of this have to do with the government? I'm not trumpeting "Why aren't they more concerned with more important matters?" (although a nice side effect is that having them diverted means they can't think up new laws to enforce). But really, other than taking illegal substance, what the hell does this have to do with the governing body of the land? Needless to say, I'm so distracted, I couldn't even begin to frame a coherent blog. So, once again, my lame ass will try again tomorrow. Without the use of HGH or steroids.
Stay classy.
What a fabulous Monday. Hopefully this week should go by quickly. All I can---
(Inaudible whispering)
Well, I have been informed it is in actuality Wednesday. The reason I may be confused about the day probably stems from the fact that I have been sick for the last two days. I hate being sick. And just so you know, "Going at both ends" means more than just the title of some video tape you found in a closet at your Uncle Frank's one time. Yikes. Kids, be aware of one thing: The only thing I hate more than being sick or nauseous, is playing "The Toilet Turnaround". Oy vay.
But I'm better now and ready to tackle the world. Or some reasonable facsimile thereof.
Currently, I am watching the Clemens/McNamee Congressional hearing. Fascinating stuff. I mean, seriously, this is completely fucked up. A PR nightmare for everybody. It is interesting stuff and I have to admit, I am completely sucked in. But I have one very important question: What the hell does any of this have to do with the government? I'm not trumpeting "Why aren't they more concerned with more important matters?" (although a nice side effect is that having them diverted means they can't think up new laws to enforce). But really, other than taking illegal substance, what the hell does this have to do with the governing body of the land? Needless to say, I'm so distracted, I couldn't even begin to frame a coherent blog. So, once again, my lame ass will try again tomorrow. Without the use of HGH or steroids.
Stay classy.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Fighting with myself and celebrities that aren't yet dead. Hey, it's Friday..
Happy Friday!
It's just so easy to be happy on Friday. In spite of the fact that I'm at work and people were either attempting to run me off the road or flip me off and have class tomorrow and I am dog tired, I'm glad it's Friday.
So, I'm thinking today about lots of random thoughts (the hell you say, Kyle!) and one such thought was about people. The reason they do such stupid things.
Then it occurred to me: People are fundamentally stupid. They are sheep that nine times out of ten will take the path of least resistance. Hence, they do not challenge themselves. Ergo, they will not grow or evolve as humans. Vis-à-vis, I will insert more obscure and vaguely intellectually sounding words in an attempt to mask this as some philosophical lightning strike of brilliance, all the while ramping up the hyperbole.
Eureka, did I just write that? I seem to have slipped into some sort of metafictional writing style where I'm wryly commenting on my own writing. Stop it. Now. Joke's over. (Pause) Was it necessary to add the "Pause"? Dammit stop. *sigh*
Fine. Since, I seem to be unable to stop, I will press on. (Like some sort of wounded martyr, since of course this is important crap and just a fucking blog.) Hey, what the hell do you know, this is damn hard! (Asshole, I'm you. You're basically telling yourself you don't understand what you are going through. What kind of bollocks is that?) Listen, you condescending prick, it's really hard sometimes- (That's what she said) Ha-ha, that joke is definitely fresh. Steve Carrell hasn't gotten maximum usage out of it yet. Please continue. (.......)
Just like I thought, all out of jokes. Like I was saying, humans will die out as a species if they don't continue to upgrade from the previous model and this will only happen through conflict- (Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis.) What the hell? (I was continuing.) That was just retarded and slightly childish. (I know, I couldn't think of anything. You were right, it is hard to come up with stuff on the fly.) That's what I was saying. (Eh, let's call it a week. We'll start with something fresh next week.) Yeah, that sounds good but we can't just end it on such a shitty note. It's weak. (Well, come up with something pithy and witty.) I'm telling you, I got nothing. (Hmmm....)
Wait, I got it.
And now, to send you off for the weekend on the right foot, here are pictures of random celebrities that you may have thought were dead but are in fact, still alive. Enjoy!
Charlotte Rae, best known as Miss Garrett on "Diff'rent Strokes" and "The Facts of Life". And staying with the "Diff'rent Strokes" theme...
Conrad Bain, Mr. Drummond on "Diff'rent Strokes"
Sasquatch, Err, I mean Burt Reynolds *shudder*
Hal Linden of "Barney Miller" Fame
Gene Wilder
Bob Uecker "Mr. Baseball"
Alex Karras, George Papadopolis on "Webster"
And that perennial favorite to whom many websites are dedicated:
Abe Vigoda, Fish on "Barney Miller" and Sal Tessio in "The Godfather"
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Gooooaaaallll.......
Hey, it's soccer (or futbol for those south of the border) time! USA v. Mexico tonight at Reliant. Should be a good game.
I'm glad I won't be there.
As a result, I don't have much time today to write. But fear not, true believers, I'll make up for it tomorrow. Or the next day. Whatever.
Briefly, though, I must say with Valentine's coming up, my mind turns to the same thing everybody else does at this time of year: the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. If you don't know the full details (which would really surprise me since what else are we celebrating really), go here.
I think this year, I'll go beyond the traditional gifts of chocolate bullets or bloody, bullet-filled hearts and go for an Al Capone card. Maybe I'll do something special for the wife and take her to a garage and then beat her senseless with a baseball bat, all the time berating with talk of teamwork ala' Al Capone in the movie "The Untouchables".
Valentine's Day is such a weird holiday. I just don't understand why we are celebrating the deaths of 7 gansters in Chicago circa 1930. Oh well...
I'm glad I won't be there.
As a result, I don't have much time today to write. But fear not, true believers, I'll make up for it tomorrow. Or the next day. Whatever.
Briefly, though, I must say with Valentine's coming up, my mind turns to the same thing everybody else does at this time of year: the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. If you don't know the full details (which would really surprise me since what else are we celebrating really), go here.
I think this year, I'll go beyond the traditional gifts of chocolate bullets or bloody, bullet-filled hearts and go for an Al Capone card. Maybe I'll do something special for the wife and take her to a garage and then beat her senseless with a baseball bat, all the time berating with talk of teamwork ala' Al Capone in the movie "The Untouchables".
Valentine's Day is such a weird holiday. I just don't understand why we are celebrating the deaths of 7 gansters in Chicago circa 1930. Oh well...
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
I'm lazy, like Garfield...
Today is one of those days where I can barely write a thing, much less wow you with it's execution. So instead, I'll post links to some of my favorite sites.
The Houstonist - A great site for checking out the local scene in Houston. A lot of the big cities have them now. Check out if your city has one.
Cracked - A very funny site that I'm an unofficial contributor to. Funny stuff.
The Comics Curmudgeon - A funny blog that analyzes comic strips in the newspapers. There's a couple of these I read: This Week in Milford (Gil Thorp), Garfield:Permanent Monday, Marmaduke Explained, and Amazing Spider-Blog just to name a few.
The Perry Bible Fellowship - A really funny online comic strip that's slightly twisted. Just the way I like it.
That's all for today. Stay safe out there.
The Houstonist - A great site for checking out the local scene in Houston. A lot of the big cities have them now. Check out if your city has one.
Cracked - A very funny site that I'm an unofficial contributor to. Funny stuff.
The Comics Curmudgeon - A funny blog that analyzes comic strips in the newspapers. There's a couple of these I read: This Week in Milford (Gil Thorp), Garfield:Permanent Monday, Marmaduke Explained, and Amazing Spider-Blog just to name a few.
The Perry Bible Fellowship - A really funny online comic strip that's slightly twisted. Just the way I like it.
That's all for today. Stay safe out there.
Monday, February 4, 2008
I think a Bangles reference regarding Mondays is too easy here...
It's Monday. I'm back at work after a week off. You know what's coming next. It is really hard to get back into the "swing of things", whatever the hell that means. But really, I am playing catch up with work emails, reading pertinent things, catching up on other websites, generally twiddling my proverbial thumbs. The long and the short of it? Don't expect an entry that will light the world on fire.
Perhaps the general malaise with which I approach my job or just the fact that I can't be bothered to muster up any energy for this poopfest of crappy fecal shitty waste of raw sewage I call a job (which doesn't make any sense whatsoever, I just wanted to throw in as many poop comments into my job description as was possible. Even if it meant making them up. And no, it's not really that bad.). Eh, it's probably both and that's as much analysis as I feel like putting into it.
And yes, if you must know, I did have a fine time off work. Did I do anything? No. I'm too poor for such shenanigans. I did however enjoy catching up on my DVR recordings, playing computer games (like WoW...yes, I'm one of those people), watching movies, going here and there and generally just doing as little as possible. I wish I could have actually traveled somewhere (I need to travel in the worst possible way...and no, I don't mean in the back of a Volkswagen.) but lack of funds prevented. Except I did travel, I guess. Into the realm of my mind. Let me tell you about it.
It was a magical place, full of rainbows and unicorns. There were dancing magical and multicolored little bears, a pot of gold, pixies dressed in the flora and fauna of the pleasant temperate zone, beautiful tree people handing out my favorite food. Foods like peanut butter and elk jerky and Crystal Pepsi. It was tasty and dare I say it, the food of the gods. I danced in a meadow with Orville Reddenbacher while he fed me his savory popcorn out of a golden bowl. We made replicas of Lincoln's Log Cabin out of pretzel sticks to honor President's Day. Because there, everyday was President's Day. And while the beautiful, buxom and barely clothed tree people bathed me, rubbed me with oils scented with cinnamon and fed me hot chocolate chip cookies and a large goblet of ice cold milk, I was struck with an epiphany. A moment of clarity. True knowledge flooded my senses. The secrets of the world and the universe opened before me, saturating my being with enlightenment. The simple perfection of it all caused me to pause, begin giggling a little bit and then collapse with a contented sigh back on the pile of fluffy throw pillows on which I reclined.
I thought, "I hate my fucking job."
Have a gloriously happy Monday!
Perhaps the general malaise with which I approach my job or just the fact that I can't be bothered to muster up any energy for this poopfest of crappy fecal shitty waste of raw sewage I call a job (which doesn't make any sense whatsoever, I just wanted to throw in as many poop comments into my job description as was possible. Even if it meant making them up. And no, it's not really that bad.). Eh, it's probably both and that's as much analysis as I feel like putting into it.
And yes, if you must know, I did have a fine time off work. Did I do anything? No. I'm too poor for such shenanigans. I did however enjoy catching up on my DVR recordings, playing computer games (like WoW...yes, I'm one of those people), watching movies, going here and there and generally just doing as little as possible. I wish I could have actually traveled somewhere (I need to travel in the worst possible way...and no, I don't mean in the back of a Volkswagen.) but lack of funds prevented. Except I did travel, I guess. Into the realm of my mind. Let me tell you about it.
It was a magical place, full of rainbows and unicorns. There were dancing magical and multicolored little bears, a pot of gold, pixies dressed in the flora and fauna of the pleasant temperate zone, beautiful tree people handing out my favorite food. Foods like peanut butter and elk jerky and Crystal Pepsi. It was tasty and dare I say it, the food of the gods. I danced in a meadow with Orville Reddenbacher while he fed me his savory popcorn out of a golden bowl. We made replicas of Lincoln's Log Cabin out of pretzel sticks to honor President's Day. Because there, everyday was President's Day. And while the beautiful, buxom and barely clothed tree people bathed me, rubbed me with oils scented with cinnamon and fed me hot chocolate chip cookies and a large goblet of ice cold milk, I was struck with an epiphany. A moment of clarity. True knowledge flooded my senses. The secrets of the world and the universe opened before me, saturating my being with enlightenment. The simple perfection of it all caused me to pause, begin giggling a little bit and then collapse with a contented sigh back on the pile of fluffy throw pillows on which I reclined.
I thought, "I hate my fucking job."
Have a gloriously happy Monday!
Friday, January 25, 2008
We need to have a serious talk....
Welcome, friends, to another installment of this fantastic voyage through my thoughts. When I started this thing, it was the with intent to keep everyone informed/entertained with the happenings of my life and keep flexing my creative mind and writing muscle. Most times, I tend to straddle a fine line between the sacred, the profound and the profane. And some of these entries aren't for everyone, containing themes with adult language, adult content and sometimes, just good, old fashioned bestiality. I understand that and can completely appreciate it. No problem.
But today, I feel the need to address a very serious issue. Something the mainstream media is not addressing. The world at large seems to be more concerned with the conflict in the Middle East, Iraq, the crisis in Darfur and the worldwide economic slump. But this is bigger than all of those. What is this moral emergency that threatens to engulf with us with anarchy? "Pregnant gals and a mime". What's that you say? You haven't heard of this? I'm not surprised. This is something that is being under reported. Why? Well, I could say it was because of bias in the media, but I think the more likely answer is this: people don't care. And that's just sad.
How did this come to my attention, you ask? (No, I'm not putting words in your mouth. If I was, you would have said "I enjoy rubbing grape jelly all over my body, while furiously masturbating to pornographic German animation from the 1920's. Also, Kyle rocks my world and I wish I was him." That's what you would have said. Oh yeah...) Anyway, it came to my attention through that maverick icon with intestinal fortitude to tell it like it is: Jerry Springer. Yeah, the Springer. Now to be fair, I'm not entirely sure what the hell was going on for a couple of reasons: 1)I was at work and I had a lot of things to keep track of. 2)I kept flipping past it because I don't watch "Springer". Now, as a result of this, I have no idea what the show was about. I don't know if it was a mime, running around getting chicks pregnant or the dual problem of unwanted pregnancies and unwanted mimes or if it was pregnant girls who wanted a mime to help them tell their respective others the news. No clue. I just know that this is our new national emergency and it needs our attention.
Now, the real question: What can we do? A couple of things: 1)Beat the crap out of all mimes because they are all inherently bastards. 2)Warn all pregnant "gals" to stay away from mimes because they are trouble with a capital "T" (and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Pool...oh, we got trouble). 3)Teach all pregnant "gals" the joys and wonder of interpretive dance so they can express themselves without the need for a mime translator. 4)Donate money to charities. And I sense most of you will favor this last option. Therefore, I will be setting up a charity for you to feel better about yourselves. It's called "The Robot Monkey Universal Army Against Mimes Who Knock Up Gals" (or T.R.M.U.A.M.W.K.U.G). I'll set up a link for folks to donate money. For every 10 dollars donated, I will personally say something very mean about a mime. Also, for every 20 dollars donated, I will draw a picture of the mime in a VERY compromising position.
Please, let us all do what we can to combat this horrible epidemic. Besides, mimes suck.
And now, to take our minds off this horrible tragedy, one of my favorite bands: The Decemberists with their hit, "16 Military Wives".
But today, I feel the need to address a very serious issue. Something the mainstream media is not addressing. The world at large seems to be more concerned with the conflict in the Middle East, Iraq, the crisis in Darfur and the worldwide economic slump. But this is bigger than all of those. What is this moral emergency that threatens to engulf with us with anarchy? "Pregnant gals and a mime". What's that you say? You haven't heard of this? I'm not surprised. This is something that is being under reported. Why? Well, I could say it was because of bias in the media, but I think the more likely answer is this: people don't care. And that's just sad.
How did this come to my attention, you ask? (No, I'm not putting words in your mouth. If I was, you would have said "I enjoy rubbing grape jelly all over my body, while furiously masturbating to pornographic German animation from the 1920's. Also, Kyle rocks my world and I wish I was him." That's what you would have said. Oh yeah...) Anyway, it came to my attention through that maverick icon with intestinal fortitude to tell it like it is: Jerry Springer. Yeah, the Springer. Now to be fair, I'm not entirely sure what the hell was going on for a couple of reasons: 1)I was at work and I had a lot of things to keep track of. 2)I kept flipping past it because I don't watch "Springer". Now, as a result of this, I have no idea what the show was about. I don't know if it was a mime, running around getting chicks pregnant or the dual problem of unwanted pregnancies and unwanted mimes or if it was pregnant girls who wanted a mime to help them tell their respective others the news. No clue. I just know that this is our new national emergency and it needs our attention.
Now, the real question: What can we do? A couple of things: 1)Beat the crap out of all mimes because they are all inherently bastards. 2)Warn all pregnant "gals" to stay away from mimes because they are trouble with a capital "T" (and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Pool...oh, we got trouble). 3)Teach all pregnant "gals" the joys and wonder of interpretive dance so they can express themselves without the need for a mime translator. 4)Donate money to charities. And I sense most of you will favor this last option. Therefore, I will be setting up a charity for you to feel better about yourselves. It's called "The Robot Monkey Universal Army Against Mimes Who Knock Up Gals" (or T.R.M.U.A.M.W.K.U.G). I'll set up a link for folks to donate money. For every 10 dollars donated, I will personally say something very mean about a mime. Also, for every 20 dollars donated, I will draw a picture of the mime in a VERY compromising position.
Please, let us all do what we can to combat this horrible epidemic. Besides, mimes suck.
And now, to take our minds off this horrible tragedy, one of my favorite bands: The Decemberists with their hit, "16 Military Wives".
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Coughing is not as much fun as it looks like...
Well, I am still battling this crap infesting my lungs. It's hard to get too enthused about much of anything while this is the case. I promise, my next blog will be one of substance. Or whatever passes for that round here. Until next time...
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I'm sick, Ferris. I'm dying...
I am sick. I feel like dog poopie. And I mean that in the meanest, grossest terms possible. I just wanna go home and hide in my bed. Well, first go to the doctor, get some good drugs and THEN hide in my bed.
So, nothing really worth reading here this week. No funny-funny, all sicky-sick.
So, nothing really worth reading here this week. No funny-funny, all sicky-sick.
Friday, January 11, 2008
The lack of a coherent theme is a a sure sign of being tired...
Another day, another dollar. Friday is here. Yay. My body is sore from working out with my torture lord (I call him Marcus, affectionately of course.). So what's on my mind as I work a double yet again?
One word: Tired. And brain dead. Okay, so that's more like four words. And that's not counting the previous sentence or this one.
I'm not feeling very witty. Deal with it.
But apparently some people are reading this thing. And it has been suggested I update this thing a little more regularly. So I promise that I will try to update this thing at least once a week from here on out. We'll see....
P.S.- The coworker in question who assisted me with the tire in the previous blog ("The smell of burning rubber haunts me...")is also my friend, David Gleason. It was pointed out to me I marginalized him as a generalization by calling him "generic coworker person". That was not my intent. He is a very special person with a caring heart, a resolute and honest character and a enormous penis. If I was a girl, I would totally let him "do me". But alas ladies, he is taken. And no, he didn't totally harangue me and pester all through the last couple of days to write this since I didn't mention him and he definitely didn't feel left out. It was all me...
P.S.- This David should not be confused with the David with the video phone at the dinner, he of the "Two Girls, One Cup" (Trifecta!) video infamy.
One word: Tired. And brain dead. Okay, so that's more like four words. And that's not counting the previous sentence or this one.
I'm not feeling very witty. Deal with it.
But apparently some people are reading this thing. And it has been suggested I update this thing a little more regularly. So I promise that I will try to update this thing at least once a week from here on out. We'll see....
P.S.- The coworker in question who assisted me with the tire in the previous blog ("The smell of burning rubber haunts me...")is also my friend, David Gleason. It was pointed out to me I marginalized him as a generalization by calling him "generic coworker person". That was not my intent. He is a very special person with a caring heart, a resolute and honest character and a enormous penis. If I was a girl, I would totally let him "do me". But alas ladies, he is taken. And no, he didn't totally harangue me and pester all through the last couple of days to write this since I didn't mention him and he definitely didn't feel left out. It was all me...
P.S.- This David should not be confused with the David with the video phone at the dinner, he of the "Two Girls, One Cup" (Trifecta!) video infamy.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
This is the new year...
And yes, the title to this entry is a Death Cab For Cutie reference. And if you aren't familiar with their body of work, shame on you. Fix this immediately.
I have the sincerest of hopes that everyone had a great holiday season and a hopeful outlook for a new year. As for myself, I'd just as soon forget about 2007. I'll frame my feelings on 2007 in the form of this analogy: Imagine 2007 like this cute chick you hook up with. She's cool, likes a lot of the same things you do, enjoys making fun of the same things you do, enjoys going out but likes hanging at home as well. Every thing's cool and you start thinking about making this a permanent thing. Maybe introducing her to family, going to functions together, thinking about a life together. And man, is she wild in bed. 2007 will fuck your socks off. She's practically insatiable. And she's into anything. ANYTHING. And this is her downfall. Because in the course of raising your freak flag, you find out hers goes higher. Much higher. Like she's one of the chicks in the aforementioned "Two Girls, One Cup" video. And she also made another "questionable" video with a horse called "The Black Stallion Rides Again". Also, she started mentioning that Hitler "wasn't all bad" or that he had "some good ideas" or "we need some strong leadership like that today". So, like any rational person, you get the fuck outta Dodge, change phone numbers, locks, email addresses anything else this crazy bitch might have as a way of contacting you. I mean, Christ, she was talking about matching tattoos, for fuck's sake. And she keeps following you. And you're scared to answer the phone or the door. But she won't stop. She's getting more and more persistent and you're freaked out because you know this crazy bitch is gonna serve you some rabbit stew or kidnap you, lock you in a basement, break your ankles with a sledgehammer and make you write a novella in which you're both together and happy with a house and fifteen kids while at the same time forcing you to watch the best of her "movies" and old Disney cartoons, thereby killing any pleasant memories you might have of childhood and Mickey. So you get a restraining order and she's complying but pushing the boundaries so that every time you make a fuss or complain, YOU'RE the one who looks crazy. You don't know where to turn, everything seems hopeless and then she assaults you with 2008, your new girlfriend, one night, threatening her with a butcher knife and then goes down in a hail of gunfire because one detective believed your crazy story and showed up just in time. And you think every thing's okay but it turns out she isn't dead yet and it turns into a life or death struggle which culminates on a rooftop with her losing her balance and falling to her death on the nearby train tracks, where she is immediately run over by a train. But when the cops go to retrieve the body, it is nowhere to be seen, causing you to keep looking over your shoulder for a very long time.
That's kinda what my 2007 was like.
I have the sincerest of hopes that everyone had a great holiday season and a hopeful outlook for a new year. As for myself, I'd just as soon forget about 2007. I'll frame my feelings on 2007 in the form of this analogy: Imagine 2007 like this cute chick you hook up with. She's cool, likes a lot of the same things you do, enjoys making fun of the same things you do, enjoys going out but likes hanging at home as well. Every thing's cool and you start thinking about making this a permanent thing. Maybe introducing her to family, going to functions together, thinking about a life together. And man, is she wild in bed. 2007 will fuck your socks off. She's practically insatiable. And she's into anything. ANYTHING. And this is her downfall. Because in the course of raising your freak flag, you find out hers goes higher. Much higher. Like she's one of the chicks in the aforementioned "Two Girls, One Cup" video. And she also made another "questionable" video with a horse called "The Black Stallion Rides Again". Also, she started mentioning that Hitler "wasn't all bad" or that he had "some good ideas" or "we need some strong leadership like that today". So, like any rational person, you get the fuck outta Dodge, change phone numbers, locks, email addresses anything else this crazy bitch might have as a way of contacting you. I mean, Christ, she was talking about matching tattoos, for fuck's sake. And she keeps following you. And you're scared to answer the phone or the door. But she won't stop. She's getting more and more persistent and you're freaked out because you know this crazy bitch is gonna serve you some rabbit stew or kidnap you, lock you in a basement, break your ankles with a sledgehammer and make you write a novella in which you're both together and happy with a house and fifteen kids while at the same time forcing you to watch the best of her "movies" and old Disney cartoons, thereby killing any pleasant memories you might have of childhood and Mickey. So you get a restraining order and she's complying but pushing the boundaries so that every time you make a fuss or complain, YOU'RE the one who looks crazy. You don't know where to turn, everything seems hopeless and then she assaults you with 2008, your new girlfriend, one night, threatening her with a butcher knife and then goes down in a hail of gunfire because one detective believed your crazy story and showed up just in time. And you think every thing's okay but it turns out she isn't dead yet and it turns into a life or death struggle which culminates on a rooftop with her losing her balance and falling to her death on the nearby train tracks, where she is immediately run over by a train. But when the cops go to retrieve the body, it is nowhere to be seen, causing you to keep looking over your shoulder for a very long time.
That's kinda what my 2007 was like.
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