Yup, it's that time again. Punch a chicken, slap a monkey and help an old lady across the street. Your venerable time waster returns with another exciting installment of "Tales of Sweaty, Shirtless Men in Heat"...
In our last installment, Rock Brannigan was just discovering his true feelings for Bucky during a strenous wrestling match. A very private session indeed. Their bodies, glistening with sweat, were entwined in...
Err, hang on a tic. I think this is the wrong blog. Crap...
Hey, welcome back to "My Struggles With Garden Gnomes", a blog dedicated to taking care of your garden and my trials and tribulations with garden gnomes.
Hmm, no....
This week on "Llama Love", I discuss proper grooming techniques and the best date spots in Argentina.
Uhm, wait...
Hi, and thanks for reading "Josef Stalin is my baby daddy"...
Sorry, I've got way too many irons in the fire. I get confused easily.
I was watching previews for coming movies recently and saw a trailer for "Get Smart". Now normally, I despise most remakes like I hate "reality" television. But this one may have some things in it's favor. It actually looks funny and it has Steve Carrel, which is a 95% chance that it will be a good movie. But I could be wrong. It wouldn't necessarily be the first time.
Let's face it though. The entertainment landscape is littered with failures that were supposed to be remakes, T.V. and movies. It would actually be easier to name the projects that were successful rather than the failures. In T.V., you've had shows like Battlestar Galactica, The Office and Doctor Who (which is not technically a remake). In movies, you've had Ocean's Eleven, The Departed and Mission:Impossible (I really had to think hard for successes or even good movies). Has Hollywood really come up that short on original ideas? (Answer: yes) The best it can do are sequels, remakes, formulaic crap directly off the Spin-a-Story Mix-n-Match Wheel (Patent Pending) or big fluffy blockbusters, filled with explosions and CGI effects (something I like to call the "Michael Bay Effect")? (Answer: yes again)
C'mon, Hollywood, the only things that should be remade are failures. Like say you have a movie with a good idea but poor execution. Maybe a sci-fi movie with crappy special effects, remade today utilizing the advances in special effect tech. I don't know.
Tell you what, let me know (all 5 of you reading this): If you could remake any movie, what would it be and why? Get as specific or as general as you want. I'm interested to see what other folks say. I'll even start it off.
The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Episodes 1-3
Yes, I know this isn't an old movie and veering into geek territory here, but I had to call "Crap" on this one.
*Spoiler Alert*
Let me get this straight: Anakin Skywalker turns to the Dark Side suddenly (and rather abruptly, I might add) because he's afraid his wife will die? Lucas, c'mon, are you kidding me? You totally mailed it in on this. That is the lamest reason ever. There was so much wrong with the whole prequel trilogy but Anakin's journey to becoming Darth Vader was the absolute worst. This sweet natured kid in "The Phantom Menace" goes to becoming a sullen, rebellious bastard in "Attack of The Clones" after being raised essentially by an order of monks (the Jedi)? What? There was an easy fix for this. Allow me to share my idea.
First, in Episode 1, don't have Anakin go up into space and save the day. Keep him on the ground and let him witness the lightsaber duel with Darth Maul. Let him see Liam Neeson get killed, Obi-Wan beaten and Darth Maul escaping. Thus, you establish a reason for revenge and an even more insidious decent into the Dark Side.
Next, in Episode 2, the movie can remain the same except change the ending slightly. Instead of Dooku being the main villian, make it Maul again. The fight would go essentially the same except Anakin would be getting his ass handed to him but would start tapping into that hate and anger towards Maul and would start putting up a serious fight before pulling back, realizing he was slipping towards the Dark Side.
Lastly, in Episode 3, Anakin would be all conflicted about his drift to the Dark Side until about halfway through the film when he would again be fighting Maul, this time in front of Emperor Palpatine (in a scene eerily similiar to the climactic duel with Vader and Luke in "Return of The Jedi"). He would again be struggling until deciding to make the decision to go to the Dark Side and kill Maul, which he does. This would be a nice juxtaposition with the latter scene in "Return", making it that more poignant and redemptive when Luke decides not to follow the path his father took.
That's the type of remake I would do.
Oh and one final thought: In "Revenge of The Sith", the Jedi, the supreme badasses of the universe that can handle ANYTHING, are surprised by these clone troops turning on them and killing them. You mean the same guys who because the Force have a spider-sense about when danger is coming? Who can sense emotions or intents? Really? Surprised? All killed except for Yoda? Besides, I thought Vader hunted them all down and killed them? Oh well, geek rant over.
And I meant to post this weeks ago, right before the NFL draft but couldn't find it. Well, here it is now: one of the funniest commercials ever on SNL.
Peyton Manning United Way SNL
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Mothers...and Harry Caray
From the farthest reaches of your imagination and the limits of your moral frontier, here I am to scratch you behind the ears. I hope all is well in your personal hemisphere.
Well, after a week being held captive to the whims and desires of power mad oil magnates and depraved desert sheiks, my great ordeal is over. Or as we like to say around here, "OTC has ended." I won't bore you with specifics, suffice to say OTC is a four day Oil and Technology Conference held here where I work every year. And now it's over. And that's all I have to say about that.
Needless to say, it's been a fairly uneventful time. Which can be a good or bad thing, depending on your viewpoint.
Mother's Day came and went and a good time was had by all. Even me and it is a holiday I usually loathe. Now, before everyone picks up the pitchfork and decides to try and burn down the windmill I'm hiding in, let me clarify. I'm all about moms. I love moms. I have several, including the one that birthed me that still dotes on me. Hell, I married one (I mean, she wasn't one when we got married or anything but I certainly made her one a year later...Hu-wah!). Anyhoo, I don't even have anything against honoring them. The Bible tells us do it, all of us are born (or have it nurtured) with that connection from mother to child. What I hate is the idea of a holiday celebrating it.
(I said to put the damn pitchforks down. Yes, I'm talking to you.)
First, I hate any holiday of this ilk? What ilk, you ask? It's a woodland bovine creature with huge antlers. Haha, silly rabbit, I kid you.
I lump Father's Day, Valentine's Day, Grandparent's Day, Veteran's Day, etc; Any holiday you are mandated to celebrate some idea like this I detest. Unless it is something celebrating a specific event or thing or person, it is a lazy person's built-in escape clause. Don't appreciate your mom for making that trip out of the way, at the last minute, in the bad weather to get that thing you really need for whatever bullshit is important at the moment? Hey, give her a flower on Mother's Day, that'll cover you. Want to tell your dad you appreciate the sacrifices he made in his personal life to provide a better life for you? Buy him a crappy tie one day a year and he'll be filled with a sense of pride that he's doing the right thing. You really love that you significant other and want to make them feel really special? Take 'em out on a date one night a year and paint the town red. You'll be in like Flynn.
These holidays are like getting absolution for your sins for an entire year. I know this isn't applicable to everyone and that's great. But I'd be willing to bet it's true for more people than you think. And that's the reason I hate these holidays. And yes, I partake in them too but I think about these other things as well. My point is don't get sucked into the hoopla of honoring the people in your lives on just one day a year or once in awhile. Make it a more regular thing. That's true appreciation.
Alright, sermon over. Now, hardcore nudity!
...okay, maybe not. But I will tell you what my wife and I did for Mom Day. I leave it up to her. It's her day, whatever she wants to do. So what does she suggest? She wants wings and beer. Blew my mind a little but I roll very casual like so I'm definitely cool with it. Besides, it's her day right? So we go to BW3's, have wings and a beer or two then go see "Iron Man" (which wasn't a bad popcorn movie that appealed to my comic book sensibilities). Had a great time. That's it, nothing really crazy. Funny post script: As we're leaving the theater, I realize we sat and watched the entire movie seated right next to old friends we hadn't seen in like 8 years. So we visit with them for an hour and a half afterwards. Crazy, man.
And now, one of the only good things to come out of SNL since the legendary group of the 1990's, Will Ferrell as one of my favorite characters of his.
"If the moon was made of spare ribs, would you eat it?" Classic stuff.
And remember: Today is "Pick Your Nose And Massage a Wombat For World Peace Day". Don't forget to get a cake and kick a porcupine, because that's what a wombat would want you to do.
Well, after a week being held captive to the whims and desires of power mad oil magnates and depraved desert sheiks, my great ordeal is over. Or as we like to say around here, "OTC has ended." I won't bore you with specifics, suffice to say OTC is a four day Oil and Technology Conference held here where I work every year. And now it's over. And that's all I have to say about that.
Needless to say, it's been a fairly uneventful time. Which can be a good or bad thing, depending on your viewpoint.
Mother's Day came and went and a good time was had by all. Even me and it is a holiday I usually loathe. Now, before everyone picks up the pitchfork and decides to try and burn down the windmill I'm hiding in, let me clarify. I'm all about moms. I love moms. I have several, including the one that birthed me that still dotes on me. Hell, I married one (I mean, she wasn't one when we got married or anything but I certainly made her one a year later...Hu-wah!). Anyhoo, I don't even have anything against honoring them. The Bible tells us do it, all of us are born (or have it nurtured) with that connection from mother to child. What I hate is the idea of a holiday celebrating it.
(I said to put the damn pitchforks down. Yes, I'm talking to you.)
First, I hate any holiday of this ilk? What ilk, you ask? It's a woodland bovine creature with huge antlers. Haha, silly rabbit, I kid you.
I lump Father's Day, Valentine's Day, Grandparent's Day, Veteran's Day, etc; Any holiday you are mandated to celebrate some idea like this I detest. Unless it is something celebrating a specific event or thing or person, it is a lazy person's built-in escape clause. Don't appreciate your mom for making that trip out of the way, at the last minute, in the bad weather to get that thing you really need for whatever bullshit is important at the moment? Hey, give her a flower on Mother's Day, that'll cover you. Want to tell your dad you appreciate the sacrifices he made in his personal life to provide a better life for you? Buy him a crappy tie one day a year and he'll be filled with a sense of pride that he's doing the right thing. You really love that you significant other and want to make them feel really special? Take 'em out on a date one night a year and paint the town red. You'll be in like Flynn.
These holidays are like getting absolution for your sins for an entire year. I know this isn't applicable to everyone and that's great. But I'd be willing to bet it's true for more people than you think. And that's the reason I hate these holidays. And yes, I partake in them too but I think about these other things as well. My point is don't get sucked into the hoopla of honoring the people in your lives on just one day a year or once in awhile. Make it a more regular thing. That's true appreciation.
Alright, sermon over. Now, hardcore nudity!
...okay, maybe not. But I will tell you what my wife and I did for Mom Day. I leave it up to her. It's her day, whatever she wants to do. So what does she suggest? She wants wings and beer. Blew my mind a little but I roll very casual like so I'm definitely cool with it. Besides, it's her day right? So we go to BW3's, have wings and a beer or two then go see "Iron Man" (which wasn't a bad popcorn movie that appealed to my comic book sensibilities). Had a great time. That's it, nothing really crazy. Funny post script: As we're leaving the theater, I realize we sat and watched the entire movie seated right next to old friends we hadn't seen in like 8 years. So we visit with them for an hour and a half afterwards. Crazy, man.
And now, one of the only good things to come out of SNL since the legendary group of the 1990's, Will Ferrell as one of my favorite characters of his.
"If the moon was made of spare ribs, would you eat it?" Classic stuff.
And remember: Today is "Pick Your Nose And Massage a Wombat For World Peace Day". Don't forget to get a cake and kick a porcupine, because that's what a wombat would want you to do.
Friday, May 2, 2008
It's a party and the Breakfast Club...
So, it's Friday, I have two more weeks of class after tonite, a big shindig on Saturday and the rest of the weekend. Suffice to say, I am ready for the weekend. So, hopefully I will come back next week with debauched tales of depraved activity, copious amounts of alcohol and brilliant recitations of Longfellow's "Song of Hiawatha". Enjoy yourself and I promise on Roger Clemen's honor and integrity to have a new and brilliant blog entry next week.
Well, new at least.
And to tide you over, a funny little clip involving many of your favorite cereal characters. A bit of warning: there is some adult language and a little bit of drug references.
Well, new at least.
And to tide you over, a funny little clip involving many of your favorite cereal characters. A bit of warning: there is some adult language and a little bit of drug references.
See more funny videos at CollegeHumor
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Tunes currently being enjoyed by the Robot Monkey
