Politics, schmolitics...

Well, it has been a week. Seven days just completely filled it up. And I swear, each day felt like twenty-four hours long. Seriously, it was...a week.

Seriously, there weren't many opportunities this week to write. Between move-in for "The Incredible Red Neck Circle Jerk" (or Rodeo 2008 as it is more commonly called), training a new employee and just about every concievable interruption you can think of. So, only one sparkling turd of an entry this week.

This week, my mind (or what passes for it) turns to politics. Hold on and calm down, before you go off half-cocked (heh heh, "half-cocked") thinking "Here we go. Now, he begins pushing his personal politics on us", listen to me. Not so and for a couple of reasons.
One, I think all of the candidates are as about as much fun as an oral bowel movement. Couldn't care less about any of them. The only one I am even remotely interested in is Ron Paul and I don't like all of his foreign policy as it seems more suited to a pre-WWI mentality. Isolationism is not the answer. Besides, I sadly think he has less chance of getting elected than that Pauley Shore/ Carrot Top version of "Waiting For Godot" with Wombats wielding chainsaws winning 10 Oscars.
Two, my goal with this blog was not write anything too serious but keep things kinda light-hearted without alienating too many people. So, no fears, folks. If I do offend anyone by writing something they see as "picking" on their candidates, I'm sorry...but don't be so thin skinned for crying out loud. All of these people are snake oil salesmen, if you think these are geniune people you see, I once flew to the moon on the back of large talking rutabaga named "Freddy" who told me all the secrets of the universe but I'm not gonna share them with you because, ummmmm, I'm a meany. Please. While I don't doubt that every single candidate believes sincerely they have the answers to best run the country, they are still doing whatever they need to get elected, even lie to your face.
Here's my random thoughts on politics: In their current state, utterly useless. Not all the way they were intended to be. Career politician was not supposed to be an occupation. It was supposed to be more like military service.

I have to cut this short for now, but I assure I will post something more next week which will include in random order: my finishing thoughts on politics, more pop culture references, random thoughts about the different candidates, childish jokes and vulgar words, despicable acts of cruelty involving fruit, a rhyming game involving all 43 Presidents and lots of turkey slapping.

I will leave you with this one pearl: I was talking to someone who is planning on voting for Hillary and wouldn't vote for Obama because (and I had to laugh my ass off at the sheer stupidity of this comment) he wasn't "black enough". I told him this was funny (and a bit weird) on a couple of levels: A)The term "black enough" boggles my mind because who decides and what the hell does it refer to? When is one "black enough"? Is it something that is voted on by one's peers?
B)The speaker in question was white.
C)He was voting for Hillary who isn't "woman enough".
When will put aside our differences, stop getting caught up on looks and vote for the person with the highest score on "Donkey Kong". Oh well....

(And yes, that was a reference to the documentary "The King of Kong". Do yourself a favor and check it out.).

You don't have a life...

Hello, perfect people.

What a fabulous Monday. Hopefully this week should go by quickly. All I can---

(Inaudible whispering)

Well, I have been informed it is in actuality Wednesday. The reason I may be confused about the day probably stems from the fact that I have been sick for the last two days. I hate being sick. And just so you know, "Going at both ends" means more than just the title of some video tape you found in a closet at your Uncle Frank's one time. Yikes. Kids, be aware of one thing: The only thing I hate more than being sick or nauseous, is playing "The Toilet Turnaround". Oy vay.

But I'm better now and ready to tackle the world. Or some reasonable facsimile thereof.

Currently, I am watching the Clemens/McNamee Congressional hearing. Fascinating stuff. I mean, seriously, this is completely fucked up. A PR nightmare for everybody. It is interesting stuff and I have to admit, I am completely sucked in. But I have one very important question: What the hell does any of this have to do with the government? I'm not trumpeting "Why aren't they more concerned with more important matters?" (although a nice side effect is that having them diverted means they can't think up new laws to enforce). But really, other than taking illegal substance, what the hell does this have to do with the governing body of the land? Needless to say, I'm so distracted, I couldn't even begin to frame a coherent blog. So, once again, my lame ass will try again tomorrow. Without the use of HGH or steroids.

Stay classy.

Fighting with myself and celebrities that aren't yet dead. Hey, it's Friday..

Happy Friday!

It's just so easy to be happy on Friday. In spite of the fact that I'm at work and people were either attempting to run me off the road or flip me off and have class tomorrow and I am dog tired, I'm glad it's Friday.

So, I'm thinking today about lots of random thoughts (the hell you say, Kyle!) and one such thought was about people. The reason they do such stupid things.
Then it occurred to me: People are fundamentally stupid. They are sheep that nine times out of ten will take the path of least resistance. Hence, they do not challenge themselves. Ergo, they will not grow or evolve as humans. Vis-à-vis, I will insert more obscure and vaguely intellectually sounding words in an attempt to mask this as some philosophical lightning strike of brilliance, all the while ramping up the hyperbole.

Eureka, did I just write that? I seem to have slipped into some sort of metafictional writing style where I'm wryly commenting on my own writing. Stop it. Now. Joke's over. (Pause) Was it necessary to add the "Pause"? Dammit stop. *sigh*

Fine. Since, I seem to be unable to stop, I will press on. (Like some sort of wounded martyr, since of course this is important crap and just a fucking blog.) Hey, what the hell do you know, this is damn hard! (Asshole, I'm you. You're basically telling yourself you don't understand what you are going through. What kind of bollocks is that?) Listen, you condescending prick, it's really hard sometimes- (That's what she said) Ha-ha, that joke is definitely fresh. Steve Carrell hasn't gotten maximum usage out of it yet. Please continue. (.......)

Just like I thought, all out of jokes. Like I was saying, humans will die out as a species if they don't continue to upgrade from the previous model and this will only happen through conflict- (Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis.) What the hell? (I was continuing.) That was just retarded and slightly childish. (I know, I couldn't think of anything. You were right, it is hard to come up with stuff on the fly.) That's what I was saying. (Eh, let's call it a week. We'll start with something fresh next week.) Yeah, that sounds good but we can't just end it on such a shitty note. It's weak. (Well, come up with something pithy and witty.) I'm telling you, I got nothing. (Hmmm....)

Wait, I got it.

And now, to send you off for the weekend on the right foot, here are pictures of random celebrities that you may have thought were dead but are in fact, still alive. Enjoy!


Charlotte Rae, best known as Miss Garrett on "Diff'rent Strokes" and "The Facts of Life". And staying with the "Diff'rent Strokes" theme...



Conrad Bain, Mr. Drummond on "Diff'rent Strokes"


Sasquatch, Err, I mean Burt Reynolds *shudder*


Hal Linden of "Barney Miller" Fame


Gene Wilder


Bob Uecker "Mr. Baseball"


Alex Karras, George Papadopolis on "Webster"

And that perennial favorite to whom many websites are dedicated:


Abe Vigoda, Fish on "Barney Miller" and Sal Tessio in "The Godfather"

Gooooaaaallll.......

Hey, it's soccer (or futbol for those south of the border) time! USA v. Mexico tonight at Reliant. Should be a good game.

I'm glad I won't be there.

As a result, I don't have much time today to write. But fear not, true believers, I'll make up for it tomorrow. Or the next day. Whatever.

Briefly, though, I must say with Valentine's coming up, my mind turns to the same thing everybody else does at this time of year: the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. If you don't know the full details (which would really surprise me since what else are we celebrating really), go here.

I think this year, I'll go beyond the traditional gifts of chocolate bullets or bloody, bullet-filled hearts and go for an Al Capone card. Maybe I'll do something special for the wife and take her to a garage and then beat her senseless with a baseball bat, all the time berating with talk of teamwork ala' Al Capone in the movie "The Untouchables".

Valentine's Day is such a weird holiday. I just don't understand why we are celebrating the deaths of 7 gansters in Chicago circa 1930. Oh well...

I'm lazy, like Garfield...

Today is one of those days where I can barely write a thing, much less wow you with it's execution. So instead, I'll post links to some of my favorite sites.

The Houstonist - A great site for checking out the local scene in Houston. A lot of the big cities have them now. Check out if your city has one.

Cracked - A very funny site that I'm an unofficial contributor to. Funny stuff.

The Comics Curmudgeon - A funny blog that analyzes comic strips in the newspapers. There's a couple of these I read: This Week in Milford (Gil Thorp), Garfield:Permanent Monday, Marmaduke Explained, and Amazing Spider-Blog just to name a few.

The Perry Bible Fellowship - A really funny online comic strip that's slightly twisted. Just the way I like it.

That's all for today. Stay safe out there.

I think a Bangles reference regarding Mondays is too easy here...

It's Monday. I'm back at work after a week off. You know what's coming next. It is really hard to get back into the "swing of things", whatever the hell that means. But really, I am playing catch up with work emails, reading pertinent things, catching up on other websites, generally twiddling my proverbial thumbs. The long and the short of it? Don't expect an entry that will light the world on fire.

Perhaps the general malaise with which I approach my job or just the fact that I can't be bothered to muster up any energy for this poopfest of crappy fecal shitty waste of raw sewage I call a job (which doesn't make any sense whatsoever, I just wanted to throw in as many poop comments into my job description as was possible. Even if it meant making them up. And no, it's not really that bad.). Eh, it's probably both and that's as much analysis as I feel like putting into it.

And yes, if you must know, I did have a fine time off work. Did I do anything? No. I'm too poor for such shenanigans. I did however enjoy catching up on my DVR recordings, playing computer games (like WoW...yes, I'm one of those people), watching movies, going here and there and generally just doing as little as possible. I wish I could have actually traveled somewhere (I need to travel in the worst possible way...and no, I don't mean in the back of a Volkswagen.) but lack of funds prevented. Except I did travel, I guess. Into the realm of my mind. Let me tell you about it.

It was a magical place, full of rainbows and unicorns. There were dancing magical and multicolored little bears, a pot of gold, pixies dressed in the flora and fauna of the pleasant temperate zone, beautiful tree people handing out my favorite food. Foods like peanut butter and elk jerky and Crystal Pepsi. It was tasty and dare I say it, the food of the gods. I danced in a meadow with Orville Reddenbacher while he fed me his savory popcorn out of a golden bowl. We made replicas of Lincoln's Log Cabin out of pretzel sticks to honor President's Day. Because there, everyday was President's Day. And while the beautiful, buxom and barely clothed tree people bathed me, rubbed me with oils scented with cinnamon and fed me hot chocolate chip cookies and a large goblet of ice cold milk, I was struck with an epiphany. A moment of clarity. True knowledge flooded my senses. The secrets of the world and the universe opened before me, saturating my being with enlightenment. The simple perfection of it all caused me to pause, begin giggling a little bit and then collapse with a contented sigh back on the pile of fluffy throw pillows on which I reclined.

I thought, "I hate my fucking job."

Have a gloriously happy Monday!